Summer's End

I started work this week. It is now October. Costco already has Christmas trees. All signs point to summer being increasingly a memory. But, I find it appropriate to sit down and take some time to think through what this summer did for me. So, here are my summer thoughts.
Feeling Unlike a Failure:
I set out this summer with the intention of raising support to intern with Cru at UCSB. It did not happen: my support did not fully come in and my God led me in a different direction. It's weird to think back on it as support raising now seems like such a distant memory, but believe it or not, despite not even getting halfway to my goal, I do not feel like a failure. I know that God brought me through the season through a very particular set of reasons, and I am so thankful that I did. I feel unlike a failure.
Why?:
That is a question that I was essentially forced to ponder this summer-why? Why would God take me through a season of support raising, only to inform me that interning was not what He had for me. Why did He not keep me in Santa Barabara so that I could get a job and make money? The answer is multi-fold. I did not realize that there were blatant parts of my heart that I was withholding from my Lord. Staying in SB, I never would have come to this realization, but it was in going to a city that I was not particularly fond of, forced to be always around people who did not think of me in the way people in SB do, without anyone daily keeping me accountable, going to a city where sin, not serving God was the norm, and the latter almost seemed foreign. It was in all of that that I realized I was not on fire for my King. No, my heart was actually rather far from Him, and it took a summer of confusion, difficult choices, perpetual sin, at times loneliness, and not really doing what I was supposed to to help me see it. Two months later I felt as though the sheath had been lifted from my eyes and I could really finally see what giving God all of me regardless of circumstance or situation looks like a lot better. I am still learning but I know much more what it looks like now. That is why.
New Friends:
It's odd, but one of the brightest spots about my summer was the acquisition of new friends. People that I did not expect but whom God nonetheless used to impact my life in such a huge way this summer. One in particular I call bloodbath (it's from a movie, not as creepy as it sounds). He became like a brother to me this summer, and I did not expect to find someone with whom I had so many of the same interests at with whom I thought so similarly. He reminded me of what mutually, intentionally pursuing someone looks like. I am honestly not sure if I will ever live with him again, but I nonetheless consider him a brother because of the intentionality with which he was my friend, even when our worldviews are so different. I miss him.
Oldies:
Another bright spot was a weekly prayer meeting that I went to at my church with about 7ish other elderly people to pray and intercede for people in the church together. I saw what it was to unquestionably believe on God and love Him and trust Him. To just take for granted, in the best way, His presence, faithfulness, and existence. Surrounded by young people who often have trouble believing it was very refreshing to pray with these pillars who prayed to a God they believed on like their own lives. I will miss that prayer meeting.
Straining Towards what is Ahead:
After a long, difficult, joyful summer my opinion of the definitions of 'good' and 'bad' have changed. It was only a bad summer in the sense that it was hard, but it was great in the sense that God taught me very important lessons. I have grown more over the past four months than over the previous 12, and it was through difficulty. Now, I am more joyful than I have been in a very long time, straining toward what God has in store for me in the coming months, ripe with anticipation and excitement. Traditional struggles are not for sure gone, but my mindset and attitude has completely changed in the best way. More updates to come soon.
Summer Thank-Yous:
Thank you to Sandra Parker for opening up your home to me and allowing me to stay there and feel very much part of the family. I appreciate it more than I could ever say.
Thank you to Mike Medieros for believing in me to the point of going out of your way to support me.
Thank you to Tyler French and Greg Leech for being one of the few peers I feel like I had this summer who pursued me and with whom I felt exceptionally comfortable.
Thank you Sarah Fullham for showing me through your blog what a ripe love for Jesus looks like.
Thank you to my sister Courtney for more than I could ever say. I love you.
Thank you to the many who enjoyed a meal or sat down and talked with me this summer-Eric S., J-Flo, Andy Martin, Mr. and Mrs. Leech, Rob Lee, and a few others.
Thank you to Lex Darko for always being generous and showing that you still care about me and my family.
And thank you to the readers of my blog through the summer, I hope that this post was a good wrap-up for you, and I ensure you that there is more to come.
~Good Luck and Good Eats

What do you Love?

Muslims love obedience,
Buddhists love devotion,
Catholics love tradition,
New Age-rs love the ocean,
Hindus love sacrifice,
Jews love the scriptures,
Christians 'love' Jesus,
but what do you love?
yourself? Jesus? comfort? conformity? ease? wealth? fame? pleasure?

What do you love? And is it worth it?

Love is Lordship

Continuing on in my series on what Love is, I have realized that Love is lordship. Humans are naturally self-consumed and self-obsessed, which you may push back against, but I would tell you to look inwardly and outwardly and try and fight back against me. An implication of this is that we are biased and have a very narrow view of things, and we need people to tell us what the best way to do things is. We need to submit to those that we love.
Looking at what Love really is exemplifies this further; Love is fighting for the best for the beloved, even when they do not know what that is or are fighting against their own best (another ill humans often are guilty of). Something we must do then, is contend lordship for those that we love and those that Love us. If lordship is too harsh or difficult of a word in this, then replace it with the word authority. Once again, I am not quite getting out what I am thinking exactly as I should, but my point is that I believe that if we love someone, that admits us a certain amount of lordship over their lives. The reality is people just do not tend to know what is best for their own lives, so we need others to speak into our lives. Often, the most qualified people to do so are those who love us and those whom we love.
Examples: Parents love their kids, kids know this and therefore permit the parents a certain level of authority and lordship over their lives. Spouses permit their significant others to have authority over their lives. Now, you could claim that these examples signify the most intense types of love between people. But even a friend will take another friend's advice over a stranger, even when it is difficult advice. Furthermore, I would claim that if you love someone, you are obligated to take some level of authority over their lives, even if they may not want it, you are obligated to pursue their best. That is hard, on all levels, and it is not what love is portrayed as or shown to be in our culture, but I believe that that is what true love for someone is.
All things considered, I believe that love has as an essential component lordship. This goes many ways and is different in many situations. Again, I apologize for the lack of well-written prose in this post, but I was trying to form my thoughts as I wrote them. I permit you lordship enough to forgive me.

Love is Sacrifice

I already know this, but God taught it to me again, because as often with lessons, He needed to impress it on my heart. Love is sacrifice. Sacrifice, I would claim, is a necessary component of Love. If you love something then you will give up, surrender, go so far as to die, whether physical or a smaller death, for that thing or that one. But I am a philosopher, and I will not give you an idea, without at least trying to back it up with evidence.
Take the story of Jacob-he worked for 7 years in order to marry the woman that he loved. Then, when he was duped, he worked another seven-14 years. This man sacrificed 14 years of his life in for love.
God Himself, to show us His love, sacrificed His only son, obviously that is the best, clearest, most palpable example of this.
Look at the story of any romantic comedy and many other movies-there is almost always an element of sacrifice implicit or explicit within the love story, and if there is not, then it is fake.
This notion has come to my attention for much of this summer specifically when thinking through, processing, praying, and dealing with my apathy. If I do not really care about things, then I notice a much greater reluctance and often even an unwillingness to sacrifice for it. But care, love, friendship, all of these require love. Otherwise, we are all just playing pretend. Think of how much parents give up for their kids. Parents lives change dramatically for their kids, and they do it, hopefully, cheerfully and not tearfully. Whenever I have, at least this summer, been tempted to tell anyone that I love him, I have been forced to stop and think-about sacrifice and my willingness to do it if I do indeed really love these people. It is hard, but nobody ever said love was easy, at least they should not have. Maybe this is me holding myself to a higher standard, as some have accused me of doing, but I think that our cultural representation of Love is piss-poor at best. It does not show sacrifice.
Maybe you have not seen this on a large scale so allow me to illuminate this on a smaller-scale. Are you accommodating? Recently a friend and I got the gift of being able to spend some time together, and we were trying to think through what to do. He suggested a movie that he has been talking about, but I suggested something else because I really did not want to watch the movie. But I needed to sacrifice that in order to show him love, but I was unwilling. We are like little children that are not satisfied unless we get our own way.
We can debate endlessly but at the end of the day nothing that we think of as belonging to 'us'. I can try to convince you religiously or philosophically, but that's not the point. The point is that even if you contend that you worked hard for everything you own and that all of your desires and everything contained therein is completely and fully yours-it is not worth keeping. You are better off giving it up for the sake of the welfare of others or The Other, because that is what Love is.
The Good Samaritan was highly put out tending to his Jewish neighbor, but he did it anyways, cheerfully, gladly, because he loved him. I encourage you to think twice about love; contemplate, meditate, consider, change if need be. God, and I would claim people as well, just are not interested in broken, selfish love, and although I have not done the best job at expressing what is currently on my heart, I hope that you get the gist of it; Love requires sacrifice and if you are not willing to be put out, either via financial, physical, internal, or otherwise, for someone or something, you simply do not love him/her/it.

20 X 100

I am close, close to the finish line, so close in fact that my brain constantly wanders into what it would be like to be done. Of course, I am not there yet. God has been incredibly faithful to me, and I am so very thankful for that, because I in no way deserve it. This summer has been hard but incredibly enjoyable and has had some real bright spots despite all of the teaching moments that God has given me. As it stands right now, I am about half way to my monthly support goal, and very close to being done with my one-time goal, needing less than 1000 dollars left. However, it is my monthly goal that looms large. As it stands as I write this I need slightly more than 2000 monthly committed to me in the span of a week. I believe that God will bring it in like I believe the sun will rise-He is so much more faithful than the sun. However, He might be using you to do it. I want to challenge you, reader to be a part of this ministry or to help introduce me to someone or multiple someones who might be. It's easy to give and I cannot describe the blessing that will result from your giving, not just in my life but in the lives of many students currently and incoming to UCSB and people around the world. That's right, your donation to my ministry can help further the spread of God's Kingdom throughout the world. Please consider partnering with me and joining my team. If you want to know more, please ask me and I will be diligent and would love the opportunity to tell you more about what God has done and why I am so excited to get the opportunity to partake in this ministry. UCSB is a place that needs Jesus, needs to know who He is. Will you help make that possible?
"We are either called to go or we are called to give."

Faith, Despite...

I will have faith in the Faithful one,
despite what the numbers say, I will have faith,
I will have faith, despite my own deceitful heart,
despite a summer that has renovated my heart, I will have faith,
I will have faith, despite an apathy that I have discovered this summer,
despite poor work ethic, I will have faith,
I will have faith, despite the need for a miracle,
despite my thoughts that betray me, I will have faith,
I will have faith, despite the people who have not believed in me,
despite my own faithlessness, I will have faith,
I will have faith, despite the waves,
despite a lack of contacts, I will have faith,
I will have faith, in the midst of finding a new faith,
despite the emptiness of sin and everything not of God, I will have faith,
I will have faith, despite the programs that with which I try to manufacture it,
despite this world telling me to give up and give in, I will have faith,
I will have faith, despite the faithlessness of others,
despite what my heart has told me this summer, I will have faith;
I will have faith in The Faithful one to raise my support because He has proved Himself more faithful than the morning, proved Himself more faithful than the rising sun, more faithful than the chairs I sit in, more faithful than every other thing that I have faith in, I will have faith in the Faithful One because He has asked me to do so, and ultimately because it is all I can do, is trust the One who has never failed and who is not about to start.
Thank you, oh my father.
"The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?"

Reconstruction

There are several things that I have wanted to write on over the past couple of weeks, but focus and time have unfortunately not permitted it. I'm trying to fix both of those. I titled this post, 'Reconstruction' because I feel like there is a reconstruction project happening in my life right now. Understand two things about all of the which I am about to say: it is all related to my last post on apathy, so I suggest reading that one first in order for this one to make more sense. And two, this has been a difficult but incredibly blessed summer for me, and there is still a month to go yet, so understand that this is all in light of this.
I feel like my faith has been deconstructed this summer. I honestly feel like I realized all of the erroneous things about my faith this past month of July and just how pathetic my faith was. Understand the sense that I am using pathetic in; I mean pathetic as in, not what it should be, to such a laughable degree. I realized far more about my faith this summer than I ever expected to. I was away from my home, away from the familiar, away from so much that I have come to rely on, but maybe that reliance had bred comfort. My faith was heavily deconstructed last month, and I am so very thankful that it was. It was needed. I could go into how exactly it was and all of what I realized about my own faith and my own character this summer in this post, but that would take up a lot of room, and I plan that for a post later this month. This deconstruction was hard, but the reason that it was hard has been changing. By that, I mean that while it was happening it was difficult in that time. In retrospect it is difficult for how it is calling into question things about my life and bringing me face to face with conviction and really challenging me. This deconstruction has begged the question, "Are you really willing to change, or are you going to be ok with the way that things have been, even though you know that that is not how things are supposed to be?"
Now is reconstruction month. This month, at least so far, I am re-learning to say to God the words 'I love you,' and try to mean them. And I am having to answer the aforementioned question that has been banging around in my head throughout much of July. Ultimately, I do not want to be ok with the way that things are now, and there are parts of me that I do not want to exist, but the reality is that they are still part of me, they still have some level of control, still coercing me on some level into efficacious action. Maybe this post has become too literary and metaphysical to really make sense, but my point is that right now I feel like I am at a point of decision, and this decision is a pruning. I am being pruned. Cutting off branches, offshoots within me that are taking vital nutrients away from the shoot that I want to grow. I praise God for this season, because it will make the parts that remain that much brighter and fuller.
Ultimately, although life is hard right now, I am so thankful for it, clinging to the truth that I am more blessed than I ever imagined or hoped to deserve. I can see my own sin and errors so clearly right now, but that also means that I can see God's grace so much more brightly.

And I love it.

Apathy

In my humanities majors, I was taught to notice trends, extremely helpful in any humanity major. I have also been able to notice trends in my own life, and one characteristic of the season that I am in now is the grace of an acute self-awareness: God has been making many things apparent to me about myself that I did not know. One of these things I have been searching for for years.
Over the past two years I have noticed a startling and very unfortunate trend in my life: desensitization. I have noticed that many things that used to affect me simply no longer do. I had been noticing myself getting tired more and the things that I saw, that I did, that I sang, that I read, that I prayed, the people I saw and listened to and loved, none of these things affected me the same. It was as if I had been becoming desensitized to them. I cried less the past two years (which believe it or not is actually not a good thing), and I just felt more checked out of life. I sometimes felt like this manifested in lower love for people, decreased ability to feel emotion, or some other way that I felt just...less than I used to be. This was most noticeably evident in my faith; my prayers had become more mundane, my worship was no longer tearful, tear-jerking, and overall I just cared less, about everything. I noticed these trends, and they hurt. I doubt anybody else noticed them, only occasionally did people say, "You haven't really seemed like yourself lately," which I could always chock up to misinterpretation or increased fatigue. But I noticed it a lot this year, it felt like my drives were not as fired up, and while I was still growing, a lot, there was something off. Songs that used to bring me to tears, like John Mark McMillans How He Loves Us hardly had any affect on me. I hid this all very well, yet it was always, always in the back of my mind, occasionally pushing its way to the front to taunt me. At times I thought it spiritual attack, other times I just felt overwhelmed with inquiries about if I was still the same person. And all I heard from God on it was to trust Him with everything, to seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and He would take care of everything else, and He had, always. The weird thing about it always was that I did not understand my own depravity or God's own goodness any less, I actually understood those tenants more, yet it still felt like those truths were not pushing me like they used to. Eventually I learned to ignore these things as the business of life and the need to keep going shoved these thoughts much further back in my mind.
Lately though, I have noticed my life described perfectly by Paul's words in Romans 7: "18b For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." I have noticed another trend lately, a lack of desire, a decreased drive, the usual trend and hurts, just a dull, frightening, numbness. And finally today, after years of searching, bandaging, thinking more programs or a better understand of myself would be the answer, after thinking this was the new me, after near despair, I believe that God has given me the answer: I am apathetic.
I realized today that there is a part of me that just does not care, about anything. It is why it is so hard for me to be good, hard for me to be selfless, to not be lazy, because part of my soul has been rotting. I am still trying to figure out why, and I do not know. Perhaps it is due to stuff buried very deep, I'm sure part of it is poison that this culture has dealt me. But the simple reality is that part of me just does not care, about God, about my life, about the numerous people I Love, about doing what I am supposed to. It hurts me, but it makes so much sense; this part of me has flared up to various degrees and frequencies over the past couple of years. It ultimately puts a limit on how well I will know my God, and how much I will serve Him. This relatively small part of me shapes the character I have and the good I want to do. And I hate it. I wish that there is just some internal switch that I could flip and once again the fullness of who I am would care. I am nearly in tears writing this, and I am not fully sure what to do with this information, except pray, finally knowing exactly how to, finally with possession of the decrepit answer that I have been searching for for years. I feel like a certain part of my soul has been rotting away, and at least in part, affecting the rest of me. I feel my brokenness so tangibly today, and even now, I can feel this poison trying to work on me.
Again, I do not know what to do. I have a deep fear that this is not going to go away. That I will simply, sadly, be more aware of it. I have to trust God to take it away, or else my soul will continue to rot. At the very least, I know how to pray now, and I am confident that the month of August will be a busy, busy wrestling match. Life does not slow down in order to allow me to learn how to be effective again, life does not stop so that I may apply the antidote, so that I can let things affect me again. Oh, how I desire that, deeply, deeply.
Reader, if you have made it this far, I thank you. It means you really care about me. I do not understand this fully, but I know that I do not want to face this alone. I will be praying that things once again affect me, and that I learn to care, deeply, about the things I Love.
The start of the wikipedia article on apathy unfortunately describes me so well:
"Apathy (also called impassivity or perfunctoriness) is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and passion. An apathetic individual has an absence of interest in or concern about emotional, social, spiritual, philosophical and/or physical life.
They may lack a sense of purpose or meaning in their life. An apathetic person may also exhibit insensibility or sluggishness. In positive psychology, apathy is described as a result of the individual feeling they do not possess the level of skill required to confront a challenge (i.e. "Flow"). It may also be a result of perceiving no challenge at all (e.g. the challenge is irrelevant to them, or conversely, they have learned helplessness)." I need to pray through the fear.

Terrifying Devotion

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." If this is at all true, then the shepherds at the beginning of Luke had at least the stepping stones of wisdom. The glory of the Lord shone around them and they were terrified. And really, that makes sense if you take God at His word, for who He is. God is terrifying, and I do not apologize if that is not how you think about God. Because if it is not, then you have an incorrect view of God. I think Leonard Ravenhill gets something right when he speaks on this:
"Listen, when you see Jesus, you’re not going to go up and say “Hey buddy, I’m glad You died for me.” When you see Jesus you will be almost paralyzed with fear unless you have a glorified body and a glorified mind."
And this is something that I have realized so palpably lately. There's a lot that has been on my mind, believe me, and thus there will likely be a lot of blog posts to come, but this one is on devotion. I just have to set it up with the fact that God is terrifying. Even angels, when seen in scripture, are terrifying and have to assure people not to be afraid. How much more so would God just make you shudder in fear of who He is? The greatest thing is that we have no need to fear anything else as long as we are with God, but God is frightening.
However, another thing that I have come to realize is that my faith is pathetic, utterly, laughably pathetic. I profess to follow God and yet so often I do things that I have not earned the right to do. I have not lived a perfect life, no my life has been grossly imperfect. Therefore, I am in debt. The scandal of grace that somehow my debt has been paid, but I have to understand that until I have lived an utterly perfect, flawless life, which I have already squandered the opportunity to do, I have no right but to live every moment in sheer devotion to the one who saved me; I must die to myself that He may be lifted higher, every second of my day, my life, giving up things that I love and long for so that He may be lifted higher. If that does not sit well with you, check your heart, that you understand what you have been saved from, the depths of depravity that you are, you redeemed sinner.
As I sit here now writing this, I quake at the thought of what my life looks like. Would somebody be able to boldly, confidently proclaim that I love Christ by looking at my life? Sadly, I am not sure, but I am frightened of the presence of this God. I think that is a good place to start.
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of Wisdom."

What Have you Been Saved From?

This is the question that has been buzzing around in my heard the past few days. I have been listening to a few things by Leonard Ravenhill, a man who knows who he is and what he has been saved from and to. Of course, I also purport to have been saved, I frequently say that Christ has saved me and that I am better off because I am with Him, but from what have I been saved? One of Ravenhill's main tenants is that if I am indeed changed by the love and life and death of Christ it should show; my life should look differently certain than beforehand but also different than those around me. I have the Spirit of the Living God inside of me, and that should affect my entire life. I have been saved, but if that is ever just something that I say and not something that is noticeable than there is something entirely wrong. If that is just something that I say and change is not immediately noticeable than I need do some very serious heart searching. The reality is that I want "eternity stamped on my eyeballs." I have been saved, from a worthless, valueless, purposeless, jealous, lustful life, swayed so easily by simple, fleeting pleasures that hold no real meaning. I have been saved to the man that now writes these words. I in no way deserve it, but I have been saved from so much, changed, sanctified, or should I say being sanctified into perfection. I will never get there, and I am certainly no there now, but I desire death, not physical death, but I desire to be held with a man who died, a man who gave himself up for my sake. The scandal of Grace. I desire to put to death my sin and live as though it has lost all power in my life. I desire fire, fire does not need to be advertised, it does not need to be exclaimed, it draws people in, draws people to itself. I do not want to draw people to myself, but to Him, the real heat source. I have been saved from so much. And my prayer now is enunciated so accurately and appropriately by Ravenhill:
"You know, if we can’t live as a different breed of people on this earth, we have no right to live here. And if we get back to a people who are really baptized with obedience, submissive to the total will of God. Not concerned about human opinion, not asking for more to spend prodigally on ourselves but say, “Oh God, I want this life of mine adjusted so when I stand in Your awesome presence.” As James says – we shall not be ashamed of His appearing."
I want to be of Christ, to spend time on my knees to Him. Oh that I would understand this more, that I would value Him so much more, that I would Love Him so much more, because the simple fact is that I have been saved, saved from tangible sins to heaven on earth, life abundant lived now.
So, what have you, reader, been saved from? Surely you have been saved, and from what? And if you feel as though you have not been saved, understand that you can be, it is offered free of charge, you need simply accept it. Free for you that is, it was more costly than anything else. You can be saved. And believe me, it is Grace.

Without Him

What will I do without him next year? We have woven our lives together for more than three years and I am at a loss for how to make up for this loss. He has loved me well, rebuked me well, and been a safe, open place for me to come to. He has helped pick me up after failures and has rejoiced with me through victories. He was always quick to ask what was on my heart, and more than that, there was perhaps nobody better at noticing when I was hiding something. We ate together, we laughed together, we lead together, and in the process he became a brother and a friend of the highest quality. There are other people I will miss, certainly, but he has been with me through so much these past four years, always been an ally, even when I treated him poorly. He reflected my God to me in the way that he acted, what he said to me, and how he encouraged me. I have written about him before, but there is saying that says, 'you do not know what you have until it is gone.' I know what I have in a friend like him, but likely will not truly understand until he is not there to come home to anymore, than it will really hit me. We each were placed, I believe into each others lives at crucial points and for crucial reasons. He is a man that I was able to love well, but I do not know, and I highly doubt, that I meant nearly as much to him as he did to me, and that reflects nothing more than the sheer volume of love that I felt from him. I searched for a friend like him for a long time, and when I delighted and thanked God for him and how often he prayed for me. This is a commemorative post, but as with much of the summer, it is a post about what is on my mind and my heart, and that is a man that I love so much.

Depriving a King of What is Rightfully His

What is rightfully the King's? Everything, and nothing short of it. The crazy thing is, the crazy gospel thing, is that the King of creation, He whom creation was created to worship, Loves us each intimately more than we could know. This being said, you are his treasure, his inheritance, and there is little that the King loves more than to spend time with you. The sad thing is how often we deprive Him of that, using the free will that He has graced us with to deny Him time with us. How perverse is this in light of everything. You see, when you neglect to spend time with God, it is not just you not spending time with God, it is that you are denying God time to be with you. It is amazing that we have the ability to deny the King the right to time with His bride, but we do.
So read carefully, reader and do not walk away and forget what you look like; you were created to worship. There is a King who so enjoys being with you, a creator who knit you together perfectly before time began, giving you gifts in yourself and in Him, twisting you together uniquely so that you could enjoy Him. Do not deny Him what is rightfully His, but allow Him the fullness of time with you that He deserves. It is in your best interest, where you find the fullness of life, peace, love, and correction. You are not right, evidenced by the fact that you would ever deny the King what is rightfully His. Enter His presence, His correction, His peace, and His joy. Ultimately you're doing yourself a favor, but how crazy that the King loves it too!

Thursday Post-Mark 15

It was just like any other story. They have seen it countless times, a criminal hung on a tree to be put to death. This type of execution is not all that uncommon in the Roman World. The thought of it is repulsive, but that is what they are going for: people would be so repulsed that they would dare not commit a similar crime, ever. But what is His crime, exactly? The two around him are clear: crooks, thieves, even rumors of murders. We put up with the often bizarre Jewish customs, but why hang this man? I have asked around and nobody can give me quite the same answer. And of all the Centurions, I have been assigned the task of standing here, watching Him die, making sure nobody comes and tries to stop it. And I oblige them, but his breathing is not like other men.
Why do they hate Him so? I have asked around and nobody can give me a straight answer beyond some remark about religious doctrine and conflicting reports of blasphemy. Everyone around reacts with some emotion toward this man, some with sheer hate, some with jealousy-driven suspicion, some with weeping and deep sorrow. I see His mother, at least I have been told that it is His mother. I have never seen someone weep the way that she does now. But anybody who thinks that this is some ordinary criminal is overlooking the facts, the darkness, the emotions, the touch of radiance in a face bruised beyond recognition.
My fellow soldiers sneer, the religious leaders sneer, the common folk sneer, all because He claimed He was God. And yet I have the best view, of death. It is clear as he breaths His last, speaks words I understand, yet do not. It is clear this is no ordinary story, this is no ordinary execution. He claimed to be a Son of God, they say. I see the Glory literally fade from His eyes as His Spirit leaves. I do not fully know where His Spirit is going, but one thing is clear from the debacle of a death: this man, whomever He was, was a Son of God. That cannot be denied.
He claimed to be a Son of God. He was not wrong. He could not have been wrong, and yet, as this darkness claims the land, despite the earthquake, He must have been a Son of God. I see the blood and water pour out, I see His death. Why? Why would a God kill his Son? What would compel a God to torment His Son so viciously, so completely obliterating Him?
I must seek Him out. He is dead, but perhaps His witnesses remember His words, remember more fully that glory that I only saw a mere fading glimpse of. I will seek these people out, to remember this man, this Son of God. Come, let us inquire of Him.

Home?

"When are you heading home?" "You going home this weekend?" "I might be going home for a few weeks this summer."
These are all things that you hear frequently when you live in a college town like I do. It's strange, but I assume that these sentiments come from people who have at least outwardly Pristine families. It is different for me though. Do not get me wrong, I Love my family a lot, but it is not at all cookie cutter. Santa Barbara is more of my home than anywhere else, but I engage in the lingo. I say "I'm going home this weekend," but it is more because "I'm going back to the city that I grew up in" is far too verbose. All this to say, I often feel a tad nomadic, and I have posed the question many times to people-at what point are you no longer going home, and instead going to visit family? Nobody seems to have a clear answer, and perhaps there is not one.
But I feel like the point is that we need reconsider our definition of "home," because for me it is where I live, in a Podunk, ghetto, overcrowded, college town. This is my home, and when I leave, I am never going home, but leaving home. Philosophically though, it is a question as to what "home" actually is-where the heart is? where your family is? wherever the individual chooses? a physical building? I honestly do not have an answer. I just am commenting that all of this lingo seems incorrect to and for me. Some small part of me thinks that home is somewhat impossible to define, especially without a wife and kids. Then you bring in more lingo "oh, he went home home." It all just gets lost on me.
Final thoughts: I am so very glad that I do not belong to this place, not the house that I am writing this in, that is up for debate, but to this plant, this world itself. I was made for somewhere greater, and that is my home, my heavenly home. No matter where I am here I am simply passing through, and I so look forward to the day that I am able to be truly home. Regardless of how you define family, my father will be there, and that is enough for me. I trust Him and if the house that He is preparing for me is half as beautiful as He is, I have much to look forward to.

Relationships

"Relationships are fun, but that's not what they are." That is a quote by Jordan Marshall, a now married man who has poured his life into me for the past four years. He is a man who's advice I generally take no matter what, and when he tells me something, I am inclined to believe him. I think that this quote gets at something, but really the word that is left out is "about." "Relationships are fun, but that's not what they are about." This is the backdrop to my thoughts on relationships.
Relationships are fun, but they are also really difficult and extremely risky. Risky in that I have seen the absolute most hurt in relationships. Divorces, break-ups, tears, etc. It so often leads to pain. And we all try to avoid pain, consciously or not. The thing is, we love relationships. There is an allure about them that draws us in. It's something that we do not otherwise have the same element of touch, the same person who will continually support us and build us up and point us. We lose someone who has 'those feelings' for us, which always feels good. There is nothing quite like relationships, but they are incredibly dangerous. Investing emotionally, spiritually, and especially physically that much into someone only to have them change and turn their back can be heartbreaking, or worse. I have seen so many tears, so much pain; worse, I have caused much pain. I would implore anybody to take relationship risk seriously and enter into it with only the fiercist of calculation and trepidation. Trust God, most definitely, but understand that there is a risk that is always run. That risk is serious and undeniably difficult to traverse, but must be done so carefully.
"Relationships are hard, but that is not what they are." Some very wise words, right there. We need not engage willy-nilly, but must be extremely careful.
~Good Luck and Good Eats.

Teleology: Attitude and Purpose

There are two facts that have become apparent to me about humanity-we are teleological in our purpose, and we all love to think of ourselves as Kings. In some sense everyone does have a Kingdom-the influence people have, how people spend their time, energy, and resources, are all evidences of a person's given kingdom. So in some sense, we are all Kings of a kingdom, whether that kingdom is a tiny, just self kingdom, or whether it is much more far reaching than that. Ironically though, we also all worship.
That is our teleology, or our purpose. I think that having a view of humanity that is not a teleological view is silly, we clearly have a purpose; we do not exist simply to exist. And I believe that we were all created to worship. Every single person was created with the expressed and specific purpose to praise, with our lives and all of who we are, we were created to bring praise. Specifically, we were created to bring praise to a King, King Jesus. All of creation was created for Him, to honor and praise Him.
However, these two truths combined leaves us with an ironic dichotomy. We are all kings, all created to worship something, so naturally we tend to focus that praise inwardly, as one would think. However, that is emptiness, or at least results in it. So, we deceptively turn our praise outward. I say deceptively because we do it only with the intention of acquiring more praise for ourselves. We worship and praise education in order to feel smarter than others, or perhaps to get a good job to be richer than others. You see, a by-product of thinking of ourselves as kings is that we are prideful, and to emphasize my point on worship, I remind you of what C. S. Lewis says about pride in Mere Christianity: “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man... It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition is gone, pride is gone.” In other words, we like to think that we our better than other people, since we indeed think that we are kings. However, we are pretty frivolous and petty kings. We as kings care about the most trivial, unimportant, silly things and thus our kingship is frivolous. Even the most important king, take one who is actually king for example, will have his kingdom crumble upon death. We try and gain more worship and praise for ourselves by tricking ourselves. We think that we are so much better off than others, and pride loves comparison, we worship ourselves internally. And as I said earlier, this leads to more emptiness, nothing else. Our own praise is vain, which transitions me to what the Apostle Paul wrote in Philippians. He says to do nothing out of "vain conceit" or "selfish ambition." What then are we to do things for or out of? Paul answers that in the next sentence and in doing so gives us the solution to the emptiness that comes from exalting our own kingdom.
"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus..." in that one verse, found in the second chapter of Philippians, Paul gives us the solution. He reminds us to take the focus, take the worship off of our own kingdoms, and put it all on one that will last. But you must understand the absurdity and transcendental profundity of Pual's sentence. Paul here is saying that your attitude should be the same as that of a being for whom all of creation was created to worship, and even though creation refused to do so, He came off of His throne to die for them. Jesus, forewent His glory for the sake of wretches who hated Him. Paul implores us to have the same attitude, with all of the wonder of the sacrifice of a King coming off of His throne to live among His creation.
That is the solution; that is what we must do as well. We must leave our thrones for the sake of bringing Christ greater glory, and bringing the focus on Him and on others, not on us. That is wondrous, and that is what our attitude, our purpose, should be.
~Good Luck and Good Eats.

Psalm 86

"You seem pensive," said my good friend to me as he drove me home from a BBQ. It was then that I divulged to him what was going on in my head over the past day. Please, allow me to back this post up and begin it by saying that no matter what, my heart is rejoicing today. I have a God who is so much bigger than my situation and forever foresees each of my situations and always works for my good. If that is true, which I firmly believe that it is, I have no reason for anything by rejoicing. However, do not mistake what I am about to say either, these truths by no means mean that life is always going to be easy. On the contrary, it simply means that there is still reason to rejoice throughout the difficulty. And today I felt that difficulty as I viewed my bank account last night and saw a significantly lower amount, 15$ish, than I ever imagined I would have. Couple that with still having a swollen, sore ankle, having affections for a woman that I cannot now pursue, and not having a car to assist me in it all, and it feels like the deck is somewhat stacked against me right now. However, upon praying and processing it is the case that I realized the truths of Psalm 86. It is a psalm, a prayer, a song of David, and a beautiful one. Reading its truths and letting those truths wash over me did not make it better, but the reality that they spoke to me did. I have a God, slow to anger, abounding in Love and Faithfulness. I have a God who is unable to let me go, who will never leave nor forsake me. When I am with that King, the odds are forever in my favor. The most powerful God works for my good, the warrior King is protecting, providing for, and perfecting me. He will not let me see harm. His power is made perfect in weakness, which means this summer His power is going to be perfected over and over to me. He is the perfect, powerful King, and I have every reason to trust Him as He has proved Himself over and over. There is literally nothing I have to doubt, absolutely no reason. He is my best friend, my father, my groom, my savior, my King. I know that I can conquer every mountain, and I rest in that truth now. So, despite the realization of it seeming like the deck is stacked against me, I need not forget that I AM created the deck and the game. He has given me support meetings, encouraging. He has given me support, bountifully. He has taken me through every step of life throughout 22 years, this is simply one more. I Love my God. I also love the people He has put here in my life to Love and bless and me.

F-in Girls

I'm not sure that I will ever have a living experience quite like I did this past year. I lived in an apartment complex wherein I knew literally every other of the 32 neighbors that I had, and most all of them had similar world-view to what I have. I could write a blog about the overall experience, about the dudes that I shared my life with, about any of it really, and perhaps there will be time to get to that in a later post, but I woke up this morning and I knew that I had to write about the girls next door, because I missed them so.

What did I miss-so much! I will miss so much. I will miss the way that they took care of me when I needed it (like this week after I sprained my ankle) even despite my own stubbornness at times. I will miss being on my computer, knowing that they will walk by my door smiling and stopping to say hi and see genuinely how my life is. I will miss the forgiveness, so much, the forgiveness of my crudeness, my rudeness, the things I say that should never be uttered that come from a heart still in process. They forgave me of all of that. I will miss Chloe singing 'We're never ever getting back together' fall quarter and 'Oceans' incessantly spring quarter. I will miss 9 times out of ten Amanda saying no to playing basketball, but I will especially miss the 1 time she did every so often, all of those threes that she made. I will miss Samri always checking in to see if I was making something sweet, always requesting cobbler and reaffirming that none were as good as mine, which they're not. I will miss Katie locked out of her apartment, sitting in ours like a lost puppy. I will miss Katie in the same boat, support raising, being able to talk about it so closely. I will miss the beach bbqs, the constant dinners, spurred on by a random suggestion I had one night while we were making pizzas one night that lead to an admittedly awkward dinner as we did not know each other that well then. I will miss prank wars, all done in god fun and loving spirits. But most of all I will miss growth. These are girls that I have known for four years and have not had real relationships with until this year. Girls I only really knew about until this year. Girls that have finally allowed me to have relationships with women my own age and be able to see Christ in it and be able to experience so much grace in it. It was awkward going into their apartment fall quarter, as everybody else poured in over the year prior, and I felt awkward the moment I took that first step. But we grew, as neighbors, as friends, as eternal beings, and now I can, confidently, securely, assuredly, proudly, thankfully, graciously, lovingly, call them sisters. I will miss those neighbors of mine and how we grew together. I am a man who struggles to feel Loved. For much of the case this year, that was not my reality. Much of that was due to four women; I now understand why they are so loved. Because they Love.

What Now?

That is the question that I am left with upon graduating-what now? What now, now that people that I have lived with, even intertwined my life with over the past few years are just simply taken from my life? What now, now that what I have done since kindergarten, learn, I no longer have an outlet to do? What now, now that I have to continue to grow, continue to become the man that God envisioned when He was designing me, only in a much different setting? What now, now that I am called to live in and pursue a city that most people dare not enter again, mocking the very prospect? What now, now that I have worked for years for a sheet of paper? What is it now that makes me a more desirable candidate? What now, now that I was finally starting to hit my academic stride, GPA increasing, every professor this year able to call me by name? What now, now that my 'glory days' are behind me, the 'best four years of my life' a thing of the past? What now, now that life moves on inside and around me? What now, now that I come off of a year in which I was generally more tired than I ever have been before? What now, now that I can see my failures face-to-face, but feel totally and completely forgiven and free? What now, now that I forgo my summer break for the sake of support raising? This is my sentiment, one of where do I go now? What do I do? Whom do I pursue? What now? now that I sit in my living room, hobbled because of a sprained ankle, but, once again, as it has before, life goes on, not batting an eyelash? What now? What now? What now? What now, now that it feels like I am on just another summer break and will come back and be in classes next year, learning more about philosophers and world views? What now, now that friends, good friends, have moved on, are moving on, will move on? What now, now that The King has called me to stay, when everyone and everything tells me to go? What now, now that my only passions are Him and them and you? What now? What now? What now? What now, now that there is nobody to keep me accountable constantly, except my own self and the Holy Ghost? What do I do now? No more classes, where do I land? No more teachers, how do I find my way? No more instructors, from where do I receive my guidelines? And all of this comes rushing in, as I sit here, in an apartment that I am soon to vacate. I am forced to think, with tired eyes, hobbled, hungry, quiet, contemplative, graduated, trudging through the mud of post-graduation, trying to be the best man I can be, knowing that means losing as much of myself as possible, in order to gain as much of who I AM as possible, saying 'goodbyes,' but praying for 'hellos', all I have left is prayer. All I have left is prayer and trust in a God who has brought me through far, far worse and will do so again. I know that King. That is my King. That is my warrior King who fights for me. And after a four years that I leave a much different person than I entered in as, all I can do is pray and trust in a God who is so much bigger than me and knows exactly what I am doing. He knows exactly what He is doing. He directs my steps, and guides my path. Ultimately, in the end I am not left with reputation, memories, knowledge, a degree, a greater moral code, or anything the sort. I am left with a God, unchanging, never-leaving, always-forgiving, always kind, always loving, a God who will outshine the darkness, and heal the hurt, in my ankle, in my heart. One day, I will see Him face to face.

People: Colette Cabaniss

I'm a senior, my last quarter in college. There are a lot of people who have made a major impact in my life over the past four years and I want to make sure that I tell them how much I Love them. This space is for that, to tell people what I really think, how much I really Love them, while holding nothing back. I'm going to try and do two a day this quarter, making sure to get at least 100 people in. This post is about a youngin, Colette Cabaniss. Colette, when I first met you I think that it was at tea time last year and you certainly were new to everything. I did not know anything about you beyond you being Meredith's sister and I really did not know what to think of you. I was not totally enamored that you were at a male-dominated event. However, over last summer we moved into the plex together and I saw God take you to places that you had never been before. I saw you one night at the bottom of the stairs with tears in your eyes and I decided to stop and talk with you, and it marked the beginning of a very beautiful friendship that I cherish to this day. You were honest with me about what was going on in your heart, why you were crying, and what was weighing heavy on you. You let me into your life, and that is such a prerequisite for my friendship with someone. Since then you have been like a little sister to me, always there fore me when I need someone to talk with. It is clear, left without a doubt inside my mind, that you honestly Love me and that is something that I can be sure of. You have shown me what being friends with a younger sister in Christ really looks like and how I can be open with someone without fear, and seeing you even pursue me in times when I wanted to be open with you. You are also someone whom I could joke around with and that has been grace to, getting to make you laugh. Colette, you are someone who is so full of life and being around you so much this year has been just pure joy for me. You have pointed me towards Christ so much more than you know, in not only your words but your actions as well. I have seen you grow from someone who does not know Christ at all, to someone who is firmly grounded in Him and a woman of principles. I have known you for only about a year, but you have blessed me so much with you life and your time and even consistently caring about me and affirming me in the way that you have and as much as you have. I never hesitate to call you a sister, that is for certain because you have been like a surrogate little sister to me in the time that you have been here. I hope that I can continue to bless you in the similar fashion to how much you have blessed me. I pray that God continues to bless you in the way that I nor anybody else really can. I pray also that God continues to show you more and more parts of His heart and leads you by His Spirit to a way that will bring more glory to Jesus. Something that I have never told you: I feel like you have grown not just in Christ, but in maturity as well this year. It has been a delight to be a part of.

People: Eddy Monge

I'm a senior, my last quarter in college. There are a lot of people who have made a major impact in my life over the past four years and I want to make sure that I tell them how much I Love them. This space is for that, to tell people what I really think, how much I really Love them, while holding nothing back. I'm going to try and do two a day this quarter, making sure to get at least 100 people in. This post is about a Salvadorian, Eddy Monge. Eddy, I remember when I first met you at a destino main meeting near the beginning of sophomore year. I had been going pretty consistently freshmen year, but meeting you there my sophomore year was a real treat. You always made me feel welcomed even though I am not Hispanic and you provided me with something so invaluable: friendship. You are and have been a friend to me, Eddy, with the way that you have been open with letting me into your life and how you feel about things. You are one of the most unique individuals that I know, but I mean that in the best way. I have seen you grow so much throughout these years, and it has really been sweet for me to see you grow and evolve into a man. I have seen you mature so much through these years, going from a very baby Christian into a man in many senses of the word. You have let Christ transform you and I have had the grace of being a witness to that. You have always Loved me, Eddy, no matter how often our paths cross, you always get such a big smile when you see me, and it is clear to me that you get joy from seeing me. That is something that I am often unsure of in people, but I cherish it with all of me. You were someone that I also got to share a couple of classes with, and you always freaked out more than I did, but it was still so sweet having someone that loved me so much to study with. I really have a lot of love for you, Eddy, going back to our days of eating and enjoying destino together, evidenced by the picture in this post. I had to include you in this project because I can honestly say about you that I do not know how I would have gotten through college without you. You have been if nothing else kind to me and I am so very appreciative for that. Thank you for being such a brother to me throughout these years, Eddy, and for loving me in a way that only you can, in a way that made me feel honestly cherished. I cherish you and our friendship and it has been so crucial to me to walk and grow with you. You are someone whom I feel like I have not grown in front of or behind but honestly alongside. Ultimately Eddy, I am simply very thankful for your friendship in my life and the way that you have always loved me. I pray that God continues to strengthen you and bring you closer into His presence. I pray also that you flourish and thrive in LA next year as you continue to grow as a Jesus lover and as a man. Something that I have never told you: Most of the above. But also there was a period when I wondered why you walked away from leadership in Destino, but I understand it a lot better now.

People: Hank Stoeckmann

I'm a senior, my last quarter in college. There are a lot of people who have made a major impact in my life over the past four years and I want to make sure that I tell them how much I Love them. This space is for that, to tell people what I really think, how much I really Love them, while holding nothing back. I'm going to try and do two a day this quarter, making sure to get at least 100 people in. This post is about a lovely little freshmen, Hank Stoeckmann. Hank, I first met you at a starbucks social earlier at the beginning of this year. You were a freshmen from FT and I was a senior trying to meet freshmen. We have had a long and illustrious relationship ever since then and I have plenty to say to you. You are a stud. I have seen you grow and change throughout this year, from when I saw you at the corner store buying candy at the beginning of this year, to just this week of hanging out and watching you be kidnapped. You have been a force in my life most notably in the area of encouragement. You have often informed me that I have contributed to you feeling Loved this year, at times when I have needed to hear it the most. You have showed me a lot of what encouragement actually is by giving it to me generously and freely, and I do not readily forget that. Additionally, our relationship has a distinct arc that I can follow very readily, and I have seen our relationship grow and twist with time, but always resulting in something ultimately beautiful. I like to think that I have helped you and loved you through your first year of college and have been a good friend to you but in all honesty I feel very insecure that that is actually the case. Nonetheless, it has been a joy to me to see your heart see that you have your values at least preliminarily in the right place. You have passed me into the dinning commons a couple times, one of the easiest ways to show Love to me. I thoroughly enjoyed our pillow talk at men's retreat and how long it lasted. I always enjoy seeing you, hugging you, and just talking life with you. You are not perfect, Hank, and I appreciate that you understand that and do not profess to be perfect but you adamantly try to be closer to Jesus. Do not ever lose that spirit about you, my boy. You are a man whom I have had the grace of witnessing grow, but what is more, I have had the joy of growing with you and experiencing life with you. You have been a grace to the movement that I have such a passion for as well, and have through this first year, endured through the tough and the easy. You endured through trying to figure out housing, through experiencing the stress of being a BotA captain, through suffering and internal struggles. But I have alwso seen you enjoy the little moments; continue to do so. I pray that God gives you a heart radically on fire for Him and a personality that does not take life too seriously. I pray also that you press into Him, all the time, do not ever stop, and the out of that He gives you a sweet balance. Something that I have never told you: I honestly wish that I could have done more for you this year. I do hope that I can do so next year though.

People: Ian Amunrund

I'm a senior, my last quarter in college. There are a lot of people who have made a major impact in my life over the past four years and I want to make sure that I tell them how much I Love them. This space is for that, to tell people what I really think, how much I really Love them, while holding nothing back. I'm going to try and do two a day this quarter, making sure to get at least 100 people in. This post is about a man who Loves the attention, Ian Amunrund. Ian, you are a man that I am more than glad to be able to call my brother and my friend. Freshmen year and sophomore year you showed so much Love to me than I could ever say. I remember at sophomore retreat you were my saving grace and I hung out with you for much of it. I have seen distinct growth in you throughout these past four years and it has been so exciting. I have witnessed passion but also perseverance from you, commitment, but also an unwillingness to quit. You are an undeniably silly man, but your silliness has brought so much joy to me. You have taught me a lot as well. You taught me so much about what Loving God looks like and also about what making disciples, and being faithful therein looks like. I went through a period last year when, because of my own sin, I did not really want to be around you, but I am so thankful that you approached me one day at reality about it and we were able to reconcile. At the time, I did not realize what was happening but I am so thankful for that day and how it repaired our relationship and gave back to me a good friend and brother. Since then I have again been able to enjoy the person that you are, I got to lead on the same team as you last summer and then again on lead team this year and in doing so I was able to witness your leadership style and they exact way in which you chase after people. Please, never stop doing that. I want to continue to see you grow and be shaped by God but if there is one thing that I have seen in you, Ian, it is an utter willingness to allow God to shape you, to allow Him to tweeze out all of the ugly parts in you and replace them with beautiful parts. I know that this year has not been entirely easy for you and by my own admittance, I have not been a brother to you in the ilk that you have needed, but at least I have been given the grace of spending some time with you as a neighbor. I am so thankful that you have been a part of my college experience, Ian, and especially my first two years I am at a loss as to what I would have done without you. Who knows if I would have even ever gotten involved with a community that has embraced me, because I always felt so comfortable with you, and that I am so thankful for. I pray that God continues to guide your steps and leads you with His right hand. I pray that He aligns your desires with His and then grants you those desires. Something that I have never told you: I used to be intimidated by how passionately you worshiped. Now it is something beautiful that I enjoy.

People: Danny Philips

I'm a senior, my last quarter in college. There are a lot of people who have made a major impact in my life over the past four years and I want to make sure that I tell them how much I Love them. This space is for that, to tell people what I really think, how much I really Love them, while holding nothing back. I'm going to try and do two a day this quarter, making sure to get at least 100 people in. This post is about another tall man I Love, Danny Philips. Danny, I first met you our freshmen year while taking the freshmen class BotA pic, not sure if you remember that or not. Ever since then, I have been able to see first hand your character and the type of man that you are. Most of all, when I think of you the word that comes to mind is caring. You are an extremely caring person, who seeks out others' good above your own and it is a beautiful thing to see. I feel like so much of what you have done over the past few years, Danny, has been to bring people together and cultivate relationships, that is just how you think. I have Loved every single one of our times on the basketball court together, but I have Loved every single one of our times off of the court as well. You are a man that I respect because you have proved yourself respectable. You are beautiful, Danny because of the way that earthly things are just tools to you, tools that can bless others, not worth pursuing in their own right. That is, I believe, the total and correct attitude to have in life. You are also an engineer so the fact that you have been able to do al of this and the fact that, so far as I can tell from the conversations that we have had, you are not wrapped up completely in money. You have also always given me someone with whom to discuss basketball and cultivate my passion, and I really appreciate that. To me you have been a brother over the past few years and it is not like we have been best friends, but you have shown that caring about people, and I am among them, and that has been grace in my life. It is enjoyable your outlook on life, the way that you do not take life too seriously, but you enjoy life so much. That has rubbed off on me in more ways than you could know. You have a silliness that has occasionally gotten on my nerves, like when you insist on playing knockout instead of basketball, but there is such beauty in how you use that silliness as well. You have such a bright future in front of you and it has been such a sweet thing having a friend throughout college who is so tall and that I can relate with so well. I also am a fan about how you are selfless with your things and about how you manage to plan events for people. I Pray that God continues to grow your heart for the things that break His, that He leads you down sweet, euphoric paths in your life. I pray that no matter when you would draw closer to Him through any and every situation that you go through in life. Something that I have never told you: I really do see you as a brother and look up yoyou in the way that you spend your time.

People: Charyse Betts

I'm a senior, my last quarter in college. There are a lot of people who have made a major impact in my life over the past four years and I want to make sure that I tell them how much I Love them. This space is for that, to tell people what I really think, how much I really Love them, while holding nothing back. I'm going to try and do two a day this quarter, making sure to get at least 100 people in. Don't get this post twisted, Charyse Betts. Charyse, your name means grace and that is exactly what you were and are in my life. I met you on project and you had an immediate impact in my life, constantly encouraging me and always making me laugh. At a time when I still very heavily struggled with who I was and my identity, you were a constant source of light in my life. The thing is, that continued even after we left project and has continued up until today. We do not talk often but when we do it brings me so much joy. A lot of people here in Santa Barbara encouraged me and have encouraged me a lot and on summer project I began to wonder if I was simply a product of the system, but I met you and you encouraged me on so much that it convinced me that I was worthy of the words that people gave to me, the little and the large. You are a woman who Loves well and a woman who is able to stand on her own two feet, a rare occurrence at any rate. That is one thing that I think of when I think of you, that you are truly a woman, and one who loves Christ and really does so much for Him at all times. I do not expect that life is always going to be easy, it often is not, but you made my life significantly better while I was on project and even ever since. I always said that you were one of the people that impacted me the most that summer and that has bled over into you being one of the people that have impacted me the most throughout college over the past four years. Your laugh simply brought so much joy to me and made me enjoy life so much more. I was able to make you laugh and I was incredibly thankful for that. The thing that I really liked about you is that it seemed that the longer that project went on, the closer it seemed that we became. You have so many good and beautiful traits within you, Charyse, that I do not have the time to fully go into. You are a woman that I would hope would be in my life no matter what stage of life I was at because you exuded a certain grace that you gave to others with a striking constancy. Ultimately, Charyse, I am so very thankful to have met you over the last four years and I am certain that God knew what He was doing when He put us both on that porject together because you were always someone that it was so easy to talk with about anything and everything. I pray that God uses you no matter what your next stage of life is, that He continues to take care of and provide for you, and that you experience a depth of His presence that you never have before. Something that I never told you: For some reason because of my own sin when I first met you on project I did not have the highest opinion of you. That quickly changed.

People: Jessica Williams

I'm a senior, my last quarter in college. There are a lot of people who have made a major impact in my life over the past four years and I want to make sure that I tell them how much I Love them. This space is for that, to tell people what I really think, how much I really Love them, while holding nothing back. I'm going to try and do two a day this quarter, making sure to get at least 100 people in. This post is about Smiley, Jessica Williams. Jess, I first met you on summer project, obviously. You were a delight to be friends with during those weeks. You are this passionate, small girl who always had energy and always Loved well. You continually pointed me back to Jesus and reminded me that my insecurities, worries, and fears have already been conquered. You were the first and mostly only person to partner with me in feeding homeless people, evidence of your heart. And that is the thing about you that really stuck out to me, Jessica, your heart. You Love weak people who have no voice, you are passionate about reaching out to people who would not otherwise be reached out to, you Love the meek. You showed me a good deal about what it actually looks like to truly Love God, truly step out in faith, truly chase after God with everything that I possibly could give to Him. These things have stuck with me and even as I sit down writing this, trying to think through all of the things that you have taught me, it occurs to me how much of pursuing Jesus, Loving and giving everything to Him you taught me, not just through your words, although that was part of it, but through your devotion, your personality, and just the way that you acted. These things were and continue to be groundbreaking for me. Even your excitement, evidence of the joy of Christ in you, was an example of the way that you selflessly let God work through you to bless others. As for our relationship, you showed a lot of Love to me, Jessica, more than I ever did or could tell you. I made a lot of mistakes on project, but you were lovingly willing to look past all of those to be friends with me and always Love me. We have similar hearts, and I could tell that from the beginning, and you always took care of me when i had bum ankles, which was the beginning of our friendship. You took extra care, showing extra doses of Love and I always felt close to you after that. I was just a shy kid back then who was being sanctified into a leader but who was not one yet. You showed me a good deal of what being a leader actually looks like. You taught me so much on project and showed so much to me Jessica, not just lessons, but Love. Smiley is the perfect name for you because you were always a ray of light to me in a time when I needed light in my life. You showed me what that looks like. Thank you so much. I pray that God gives me the grace of continuing our friendship as you return from overseas. I also pray that God shows you the depth of His Love and presence and that you experience those things so much more so than you ever have before. Something that I have never told you: You give really great hugs.

People: Cori Stritzel

I'm a senior, my last quarter in college. There are a lot of people who have made a major impact in my life over the past four years and I want to make sure that I tell them how much I Love them. This space is for that, to tell people what I really think, how much I really Love them, while holding nothing back. I'm going to try and do two a day this quarter, making sure to get at least 100 people in. This post is about the happiest person I know, Cori Stritzel. Cori,you are one of the most loving people that I have ever met. I first met you at terrible movie thursday and I really did not know your spiritual background at all. You were just a girl who had given up sweets for lent. However, in the time since, God has given me the grace of getting to know someone who truly displays God's light. You pursue people, people feel Loved because of you and your sister. Whenever I knew that a female was going to come to Real Life main meeting, I did not have to worry about if they would feel Loved because I knew that you two would be there. You always say hi to me and genuinely care about how I am doing and the person that I am. Santa Barbara, Real Life, and everyone that you have met are significantly better off because you are around. You are joyful and Loving to anyone and everyone. Cori, nobody else that I have ever met has such unconditional joy as you and your sister. It is incredibly enjoyable to be around you all the time and it is a treat to know someone who so unashamedly pursues Christ. You have been busy in your college years, but I can say honestly that California now has a leg up on Chicago because you are here and not there. Everyone that you know would agree with me in these things, Cori; ask and find out. People just feel Loved from you being around by very nature of your personality. There has never been any doubt as to whether or not you honestly care about me. Cori, the way that you live your life is inspiring to me in every aspect. For one, you are a woman who is unwilling to compromise what you believe; you honestly just want more of God in your life and that is so encouraging for me to see and so very rare. Secondly, you are a woman of such uncompromising joy and commitment and devotion to people. I have seen in you a willingness to die to yourself that the name of Christ may be made higher and the way that you use what God has given you to further His kingdom in the people and the place around you. I really cannot hope to say enough about you, Cori. You are a one of a kind woman who has a bright future and who gives people around you hope. I pray that God continues to grow you where you are weak as He has so clearly done with already in the time that I have known you. I pray also for a continued heart of devotion and commitment within you. Something that I have never told you: You have always helped me to feel Loved. I do not feel Loved easily, so I very much appreciate that.

People: Ariel Bournes

I'm a senior, my last quarter in college. There are a lot of people who have made a major impact in my life over the past four years and I want to make sure that I tell them how much I Love them. This space is for that, to tell people what I really think, how much I really Love them, while holding nothing back. I'm going to try and do two a day this quarter, making sure to get at least 100 people in. This post is about a man who is always open, Ariel Bournes. Ariel, I first really got to know you last year after the summer and I have really enjoyed every minute of our friendship. You have always been exceptionally loving to me for no real reason. You are a man who teaches: you teach other people explicitly as well as implicitly, through your actions as well as through your words. You and I have more similar hearts, I am starting to notice, than either of us really quite understands, I think; we both have real hearts to reach the lost and the poor and the broken and the needy. I see that in you, and I have seen how God has given that to you in increasing measure. It has been real grace having you in my life over the past two years to play ball with, to laugh with, to talk ball with, to talk Jesus with, and just to have around. There are many times that I can think of that are indicative of the type of friendship that we have: playing ball over thanksgiving break last year against some little kids, watching 'The Other Guys' really randomly one day at the Love dungeon and talking about girls afterward, having a conversation this year on the court about cheating on your wife and all that that entails. Our conversations, no matter what the content or duration, frequently make me think and perpetuate my Love for Jesus. It has been exciting being your friend and you have helped me a long at several crucial junctures and introduced me to several people that I have cherished as well. I am a huge fan of how dedicated you are to so many things-Jesus, basketball, impact, pursuing people, growing closer in your knowledge of God. I hope that my relationship with you only ever continues because there has been a lot of grace in it over the years. People can say what they want about you, but God has given me the ability to discern your heart and that has been coool. We've also been able to work out our differences, although they have been few, strikingly well, and that example has set for me what it looks like to pursue reconciliation. I aso really enjoyed being a groomsmen with you in Jake's wedding this year; having you there to talk with helped a lot. Ultimately, although we are not the best of friends, you are a man that I am proud to call a friend, and I do not hesitate to do so. You are and have been a friend to me, Ariel and have showed me more Love the more I think about it. I am increasingly thankful for that. I pray that God continues to take you closer into His presence, teaches you more about Him and His heart, and continues to align your heart with His. Something that I have never told you: Your consistent Love last year came at a very crucial time for me and I am so very thankful for that. I never really told you, but I cherish your friendship.

People: Philippe Lazaro

I'm a senior, my last quarter in college. There are a lot of people who have made a major impact in my life over the past four years and I want to make sure that I tell them how much I Love them. This space is for that, to tell people what I really think, how much I really Love them, while holding nothing back. I'm going to try and do two a day this quarter, making sure to get at least 100 people in. This post is about a true vagabond, Philippe Lazaro. Philippe, we have never been incredibly close but that alone fails to capture accurately the influence you have had in my life. You have a spirit and passions that are so similar to mine, with a fire and a desire to bless people that is so strong that it cannot be extinguished. I have seen you go above and beyond for the sake of blessing people, and that is an inspiration to me to do the same, or at least attempt to do so. You are a man who has a passion for the lost and for the needy, which is true of God as well. That all being said, I think one of the most beautiful qualities about you is that you do not take life too seriously. I mean that in the best possible way: you eat more slowly than most, content to live and thrive at your own pace; you insist that life conform to your pace and your passions, not the other way around, and it has been an outlet through which you have done some truly beautiful things. I am always excited to hear about your life because I see the beautiful things that you do, the way that you serve God and Love people in your own unique way. You are an extremely unique person and someone who has not only inspired me from afar through the actions that you do, but has also poured into me personally on a one-to-one basis. That has taken many different forms: tea time, which was always so beautiful and so needed. making flower tea and encouraging me to try some, having lunch with me on a come-what may walk. You always had this odd, unusual, yet oh so effective way about you of the way that you Love. You definitely do not conform to the pattern that this world insists you do, but in a most beautiful way. Philippe, I am a big fan of you, for your heart for international students, the way that you sacrificed to pursue and Love them, for your heart for the lost throughout the world, and for the way that you were and always are so intentional with people. It is so cool to see someone who knows what he believes, knows what he needs to do, and does it unashamedly. I pray that God continues to guide your passions and desires, and gives you the ability to follow through with these passions in your own unique way the way that He always has. I pray also that people the world over would be influenced by your unique brand of Loving people and really be transformed by how powerful it is. Something that I have never told you: I always thought that we could have been closer based on how similar our passions and hearts are. It is always encouraging to see you whenever, wherever.

People: Amanda Chiang

I'm a senior, my last quarter in college. There are a lot of people who have made a major impact in my life over the past four years and I want to make sure that I tell them how much I Love them. This space is for that, to tell people what I really think, how much I really Love them, while holding nothing back. I'm going to try and do two a day this quarter, making sure to get at least 100 people in. This post is about a real baller, Amanda Chiang. Amanda, this is one of the most difficult of these that I have had to do. I only have tons of respect for you, for the way that you Love and pursue people constantly, always giving yourself over to them. It is an encouragement to me to do the same. I have seen you endure through difficult times and through smooth, easy times and all the same you do not stop Loving, trusting in God. I felt so much Love from you freshmen year in the way that you actually paid attention to me and showed an interest in my life. That is something that I am not soon to forget. I had the grace this year of getting to know you much better than I had ever prior, and it is one of the reasons that I just think that Christ has blessed you with a beautiful soul and I see the way that you pour that outward from yourself. It is crazy to see how much you have grown and even blossomed over the past four years and the way that you have let God just shape and mold the woman that you are becoming. I am being honest when I say that I thank God for our friendship, I do. it has always been really cool to me the way that we can bond over basketball and Jesus. You have taught me a lot in four years here and shaped the way that I see several things. You Love people very well, and people look up to you and Love you so much. You are one of the most Loved people that I know, Amanda and that is evidenced in your facebook and the way that people Love you therein as well as the interactions that people have about you and the way that people talk about you. From these things it is clear that you have really had a deep impact on so many people here in SB. It is an encouragement to see someone who is just simply seeking to live the way that Jesus lives, and out of that having your life reflect it in the impact that you have had. You are a very beautiful spirit and you have this certain silliness about you, and I mean that in the best sense, not at all any offense meant by it in the least. It adds to who you are, showing that you do not take life too seriously. In the end, I am very thankful for the friendship that I have with you and the friendship that God has given me with you over the past four years. You have always been there for me, especially freshmen year when I really desperately needed to feel Loved. I pray that God so powerfully and wonderfully uses you while you are in Hawaii like He has while you have been here. I pray also that He is gracious to you in your support raising endeavors, and brings by people in your life who Love you for you. Something that I have never told you: I have frequently wondered why you are so dang Loved, especially freshmen year. This year, God has answered a small part of that question, but it still really sticks out to me.

People: Kevin Thompson

I'm a senior, my last quarter in college. There are a lot of people who have made a major impact in my life over the past four years and I want to make sure that I tell them how much I Love them. This space is for that, to tell people what I really think, how much I really Love them, while holding nothing back. I'm going to try and do two a day this quarter, making sure to get at least 100 people in. This post is about a man who cares a lot about a lot, Kevin Thompson. KT, I was the first person you met when you moved to IV, and it was totally Jesus. I followed God's call in walking down dp, simply carrying my bible, and you followed God's call to approach me about it. You are a man who Loves Jesus, and I can say that with more confidence than I can with almost anybody else. I can say that with a good degree of certainty because I see that you Love not just the people easy to Love but you Love those on the outskirts, you are understanding as any man I know, gentle as a dove and yet joyful as a bee. You have this unique combination of traits that I when I really sit down and analyze things, it all equates to you looking quite a bit like Jesus, my friend. I think that I really cannot say enough about you and every time I get the joy and grace of spending time with you it reminds me of just how wonderful you are. You and I really pursued each other practically over the summer and since you have been back and in more ways than I could hope to tell you, KT, you are a man that I look up to and respect. You Love people far better than I love people and you pursue people with such a vigor and a constancy that I wish that I had. You are also very respectful and polite towards the people around you and that has spread so much the Love of Christ in this community. I've said it before and I will say it again: I Love the way that you pursue not just the popular but the unpopular. You have showed me what that looks like on a practical level, KT. I remember once going downtown with you and Lindsey to drop him off and just getting to spend some quality time with you. You are someone whom it is just very easy and enjoyable to be with and the way that you have embraced this community from the moment that you got here has been just beautiful and such a practical example of God' grace in my life and in the lives of many others as well. It also really impacted me when you wrote me a letter when you were leaving for summer. The kind words that you said still ring encouragement for me today. You have always been such a huge encouragement for me all the time, Kevin, and I will never forget the way that you live your life. One of my favorite nights this entire year was the last night before Christmas when I got to hang out with you on your first night back. You are a lovely individual. I pray that God continues to bless this community with your presence because it needs you here. I pray also that He continues to give you adequate pleasure and pursuits and I really thank my God that you will be here next year. Something that I have never told you: I really needed to see God that first summer day when we met and you approaching me was such a big part of that that day. Those few first moments with you will probably do a lot more for me than you or I will ever fully understand and it is beautiful in my memory.