Beauty and Zombies

Zombies are real. That is irrefutable. Not in the eat-your-flesh, mindless type of zombies that so many movies portray, but in the sense that a lot of people walk around purposeless, mindlessly infecting others with their own dreary lives, yes; zombies exist. When you think about it, there are many more people who are zombies then we probably realize. I've been going to coffee shops lately and seen tons of people plugged in, out of tune with the world around them. They are, like almost all zombie portrayals, concentrated on themselves only, focusing primarily on what they can get from all of the other zombies. It may seem like a morose, almost tragic view of human existence, but in this 21st century, communication-friendly world, it is also an accurate one. Gone is the old-world hospitality, gone is going to the neighbors to borrow a cup of sugar, gone is any attempts to help a fellow man, gone is compassion, gone is sympathy. Replacing all of these lovely things: zombies, created by a virtual world, so content to wander purposelessly through the life, devouring other zombies as they strive toward a final goal of apathy and wanderlust.
The goodness however, is that we have a God who can take us from the point of being apathetic, uncaring zombies, and turn us into Loving human beings. This past week I have seen so much beauty: sun rays, coming onto the ocean, illuminating a spot in one of the most beautiful sites I have seen in nature, outside decorations, glistening with the light placed in them by the designers, and kids, playing in a water playground, unaware of their afflictions and the corruptions so replete within their destitute parents. All of it, is beautiful. The reason that such beauty exists is because He has allowed it to. He has taken us, insistent on becoming zombies, with maggots eating away at our flesh, and has made us sons of the Most High. His sacrifice changed this, me, my zombified heart, into a heart transformed, even when I ran to the other zmbies and wanted to be a zombie. And that is beautiful.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

Why I do It

Why do I do it?
Is it for the response, to feel the vibration in my pocket, to feel more Loved and Accepted than I did before?
Why do I do it?
Is it to feel more Loved, feel like I did not start it?
Do I do it because I think that this time it will be different? Do I think that this time they might see me differently?
Why do I do it?
Ultimately is it about feeling different, about looking different?
No, it is not about myself,
it is about the marginalized, the poor, the broken, the beaten down, the weary, those who need it.
Why do I do it?
I do it to make you feel Loved, to make you feel accepted, so that you have a greater understanding of the way that God, your father and heavenly king, sees you.
I do it because I want to put into some sort of words, the immense Love I have for you, the immense impact that you have made
on my life.
I want to do it for you, so that you feel Loved,
by me,
by your Father,
by yourself.
That is why I do it
That is why I encourage.

Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

A Dependency Strip Tease

I must have been getting too independent. Not of people, not of money, but of God. The last 5 days have, from a strictly worldly, not eternal perspective, been one of the worst weeks I have had. God has stripped my dependency on all things that are not Him and His perfection. Before I tell you, reader, all of what has happened, I want to remind you of 2 Corinthians 12. My weakness, according to Paul, is where God's glory shines brightest. He tells us to thank God for our weaknesses, so that God's power and perfection shine through. I want to encourage you also to listen to Beautiful Things by the band Gungor; God can use our messiness to make beautiful things.
That being said, the last 5 days have been a whirlwind. It started Saturday when I went to deposit my paychecks after work and saw that my account was at 313$ Below zero. It was the first time I had ever seen a negative sign in front of my bank account. It freaked me out a little bit, but I thanked God that I was getting paid and deposited the checks and moved on. I will be needing to raise some support, but the bottom line is that any dependency I had in money is gone. I have not felt poorer in my entire life, feeling like I literally have no money and yet trusting in God to do what He always has. That was Saturday evening. Sunday I had nobody to evangelize with based just on circumstances and happenstance. I ended up sitting on a bench and praying for people, but I did feel a little left out as I saw pair after pair walk by. Then I tried to organize a dinner excursion with my dear friend Radford and some others, and failed. Sunday God took away any dependency I had on people. I felt isolated socially because of circumstance and other social attacks. I felt like I had nowhere to go, and that sentiment has carried over somewhat into the week. Monday started off better, until I walked into my room and found a rather large crack across the screen of my laptop. I have no money to fix it and indeed even now I type this on a laptop that has hundreds of dead pixels. Good took away my dependency on anything material, reminding me that my laptop and anything else I have, any reputation, is just a tool to serve Him better. Tuesday was the grand finale. Having all of this in mind, I did what I do to clear my mind, played basketball. Only this time I twisted my good ankle and it swelled to tennis ball sized. Not only did God lastly strip my dependency on even my own body, but also on my own intuition. I couldn't work today even after finding out that I really, desperately need to. I was, and still am, in so much pain, and can do nothing of myself to fix it. Now it is Wednesday, and I am sitting in my room, typing this up, listening to the joy and laughter outside, unable to join in because of the pain, feeling completely stripped, naked, empty. And yet, somehow, strangely, it is a good thing. Right now I understand that there is nothing that I can rely on beyond my God. Money, materials, friends, even my own body will all fall away, they have. Now I am left with the one thing that remains, my God and King, and I trust Him more now that I have perhaps ever before. So, from an earthly perspective, yeah, I've had a pretty terrible week. But from an eternal perspective, I am excited.
In closing I would like to leave you with some lyrics from David Crowder's Light and Shadow song that really exemplifies what I am going feeling right now.
When all seems lost
When we're thrown
and we're tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in the
Shadow of the cross.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

Class Clash and Disconectedness

There is a stark class clash in Santa Monica. I've already talked a little bit about the diversity earlier this summer, but I have realized that it goes so much deeper. Santa Monica is an obvious microcosm for the world, and the class struggles in the world, are easily echoed in Santa Monica. It's hard to get a full picture of because people are stuck in the class that they are already in and do not have the capability to see outside of it. I am merely a visitor to Santa Monica however, and one that likes to observe. I have seen plenty of the lowest class, the homeless, constantly breaking my heart with their stories of despair and sadness. Then comes the poor, working class with all of its many people who take the bus together and work together in their dead-end jobs, vocationally hopeless but sentimentally beautiful. These two classes are both very connected with the other people in their class. I have had fairly extensive experience with both of these types of people: the homeless need each other to survive, to learn where to get food and how; the working class need each other as a reprieve from their fairly humdrum lives. The other two classes do not need each other. The fairly well-off foreign people that frequent my work are well-off and are only staying temporarily anyways, so they have no need of anyone but family, and usually then just spouse. The rich in Santa Monica are a plenty, and their frequency often masks the presence of all of these groups. I saw a bunch of the houses of a lot of these rich people yesterday and I have no idea what you have to do to be able to afford one of these houses, but they were ridiculous. These people are the ones who are so well off that they feel that they do not need each other. They accept families because they feel as if it is the right thing to do. There is an intense disconnectedness between all four group and among the members of each of the groups.
The whole class clash in SM is a good allegory for the clique clash in SMSP. All of the cliques fighting with each other, there is a certain degree of unity within some, but it is difficult to say if the project as a whole is unified or disconnected, just as it is hard to decide for Santa Monica as a city. The class clash is extremely interesting to me as an outsider and an observer whereas the clique clash is less interesting because it actually affects me. Just as SM is a unique microcosm of the world, SMSP is a unique allegory for Santa Monica as a whole, although either of these things are hard to connect in the grand scheme of things. We will see the outcome as Santa Monica Chocolate winds down.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

Real World: Senegal

I hear people described as 'fake' a lot. I used to wonder what that meant; I had a general idea, but there are a lot of words that I only have a general idea about. One of my dear friends, Lindsey, has always talked with me about fake people and about people that irritate him because of how fake they are. I typically agreed with him about a lot of it. A month and a week into Santa Monica Chocolate and I have a greater understanding of what not being real is than I ever have before. People Love to put on a facade. So many people wear masks so big it makes me think I'm at a masquerade. People hide who they really are: they keep inside all of their struggles, their feelings of inadequacy, their emotions, repressed, so afraid of judgement that they would sooner reveal to everyone that which doesn't exist than expose the themselves truly. People have been too hurt by judgments that they are now afraid to be judged. To those people I have one thing to say: get over it. It's true that those who judge you based on your character and act accordingly are ridiculous and often cruel, but that is no reason to be a cruel and go into a shell. It sounds harsh, but right now I am very frustrated with people who do not admit to being broken, people who put on a veil of perfection, covering up all of the judgments and sin that they attribute to other people. And Christians are the worst at it. They have this impression that they cannot be broken, that anytime someone sees what they really think and their real motives they will be destroyed. I think that it is a two-way street: stop judging and stop covering up; be real, be open. One cannot happen without the other.
I went sharing with a guy from Senegal yesterday. I was with my friend Alexa, and we just wanted to talk with Josheph. He was an extremely interesting guy: the son of an Imam, twelve siblings, could sing in four languages and do so beautifully, loved religion, was stoked on the very idea of freedom, and just enjoyed our company. He was real. Their was no facade no idea of being fake within him. He was so thankful to meet us that he was upfront and honest with us just because. He revealed to us some of his thoughts, some of his opinions, some of the injustices he's faced, some of his struggles, and sang us a beautiful African song. He never put up a mask, there was never pressure, on the conversation. It was literally just a chill conversation.
Now I am left to try and reconcile the two: the realness of Joe, from Senegal, and Lindsey and other people who care not about the savior that I so vehemently serve, yet the fakeness of people who serve the same God I do, when these are the people who should. I do not know what the difference accounts for, but I do know that I hope it changes. I hope the people who insist on putting up a front would bring it down and settle with who they are.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

2 Steps Forward, X Steps back

I think that I am in an existential mood. I've been thinking a lot recently, about relationships, both with God and with people. Buty told me a quote once that resonates with me a lot: "Comparison is the thief of joy." I think it is so true and a lot fo the comparisons I make only result in a breakdown of joy. Truth be told, I think I do altogether too much comparing. I do not really know why I've been thinking so much about relationships recently, but I have been. I Love people, undoubtedly so. However, I am also infuriated that people have such short relationship memories. People do not remember pleasant times for very long and thus I am constantly afflicted by the sentiment that I need to serve people in order to be their friends or hang out with people constantly lest they lose interest in me or no longer desire deep friendship. These are some seriously sinful, sinful thoughts, but they plague me pretty constantly.
It has lead me to this view of relationships that is admittedly pretty negative: the notion that it always seems like I am taking two steps forward in relationships only to take 1, 2, or even 3 steps back. Sometimes it seems like I'm going forwards in my friendships, other times I get so frustrated that they are not progressing that it seems like they are stagnating, or worse, going backwards. It is the worst thing in the world for me to think that I constantly have to impress people or serve people in order that people would continue to love me and that I cannot just chill with people, just recline at the table, like Jesus did. These thoughts plague me, and I am trying to rid myself of it, trying to befriend only consistent people who are intent on Loving me, making me feel like I can just relax and that friendships are no pressure situations. I do not want my relationships to regress, but sometimes it seems as if that is the destiny of many of them, and it makes me want to punch a wall.
Project has been great, but it has also been frustrating in that I feel like the friendships I made near the beginning of project, or the ones I strengthened, are now eroding as people are losing interest and moving on to more novel relationships. I do not want to feel like this. I want to feel as though I am Loved, as though these Santa Monica project people Love me simply because Christ did as well. I have trouble seeing that though and now it just has me twisted into a knot in my stomach, thinking that I do not Love people enough to keep friendships going or get into people's lives the way that other people do with each other. More comparison, more joy pressure vacuum. At the same time, I feel as though there are only certain people I can come to with it because it is a somewhat not important struggle. We'll see what happens in the next month, as new friendships appear, and old ones take one new legs. Ultimately I just hope people do not forget where we have been with each other; we have experienced so much growth and only continue to grow. Please God, may I not feel paralyzed.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

Desiring Painful Confidence

I am writing this blog about confidence, but not confidence as you probably are thinking of it. I'm not talking about self-confidence which is what we typically refer to when we say confidence, but rather someone confiding in you, someone coming to you with something that they cannot come to other people with and you becoming their confidant. That is the confidence that I will be talking about in this post, just to preface.
This is the type of confidence that I desire; I desire to be the confidant of all. For some reason, I just want people to feel like they can come to me with any and everything and know that I am here, know that I will not judge, know that I am here to listen and show grace. I desire it to an unhealthy point, to the point even of jealousy, wherein I get jealous when people tell others secrets or struggles. I shouldn't, but I do. It's a strange dichotomy too, because when people tell me their struggles I am such a compassionate person that I get sad for them and my heart breaks for them. So, in a way, I desire a large volume of things that I know will hurt me, make me sad for others, but I want to be sad with them.
This is so evident here on summer project. So many people struggle with little things here and there, and I find myself prodding and poking to be able to find out what. So many people have so much that they need to get off their chests, and I just long to be the one that they share it with, every time. I don't know why, maybe it is a way that I feel Loved. It always comes back to Love. Maybe I just want to get to know people so well and this is a way to feel undoubtedly closer with them. Still trying to process if it is healthy or not, in its totality. For whatever the reason and however detrimental to m well-being the fact remains that I desire this painful confidence with a strong, fierce desire. Let's go hang out.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

Counter-Culture

The 60s and 70s were defined by counter-culture, rebelling against everything that counter says is the right and correct method. They burned down the BofA in IV because they were 'rebelling' against corporations and culture. There was another man who rebelled against culture, and He was killed for it. His name was Jesus, of Nazareth. The way that He loved people was so atypical of the culture in which He lived. People tried to tell Him the way to act and in response He acted in a way that would please his father. It upset people, it did, but He did it anyways, to the point that they killed Him for it.
That is why my goal is to love people counter-culturally. I hate that people's Love, both reception and donation, is defined by culture and anything that is against culture they reject. They way that culture suggests that we Love people is so perverse and ugly and yet we just so willingly give into it. In the words of Voddie Baucham, we have been sold a bill of goods. All of our 'Love' that is within cultural bounds, is not really love at all, but rather a shallow interception of affections we may or may not have for one another. Really, think about it. Culture's perception of love is not real Love at all. So, if we give this, then Loving counter-culturally would mean that Love is real, genuine. If Cultural love is so perverse than there has to be something against which it is measured, and I would postulate that this is biblical Love. I would also postulate that this Love is inside of us, we all have the capacity for Love but the culture has so poisoned us that we have begun to agree with it. It is my commitment to Love people counter-culturally, no matter how much trouble it gets me into, and it does inevitably, just as it has this past week. I urge you to try and do the same.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody