The Sights and Sounds of Sufferings

It’s been an interesting weekend in good ole SB. For starters, it has been super gloomy weather, odd for somewhere wherein sunny is the dominant norm; we have our fog in the morning and in the evening, but that usually burns off. That is an appropriate backdrop for the story that will be unfolding as I type. Friday was my last day at K-Mart. I chose not to go in. It is bitter-SWEET, it is. It was a job that has been very good to me, and for my reasons for quitting, check my prior post. So, I go into this weekend dead set on spending time with people and really investing and pouring out in the ilk that God has called me to. Friday night we have a nice dinner, I bake with a good friend of mine, end the night with some prayer; it was real good. Saturday I started the day by playing basketball on the slippery courts outside. I took a hard fall on y side once, but overall there were not many injuries, and we remembered to pray between games, which was great. I did however manage to tweak my back while playing. I kind of felt it at first but played on because I was having a lot of fun. I got home and was immediately in intense back pain that seemed to get worse as the day went on; I was bedridden. There are not many days where I say that I would rather be doing homework, this is one of them. That same pain has persisted into today, though also changed, and so here I sit, unable to go to church, knowing that given a little time and rest, this pain will subside. That is not the suffering that I am referring to in the title of this post. I have chronicled well how God has blessed me with compassion that I am undeniably thankful for. Jesus was a man of staunch compassion, and although at times when I see injustice or people in pain and suffering it is literally painful, I would not trade that. This weekend I have had two friends (possibly more, though these are the ones I am aware of) that have been going through really intense emotional and spiritual sufferings. One has been going through this for a while, really ever since I’ve known him, whereas for this girl it is a flare-up of old sufferings. Whenever my friends suffer I try to console them, but more than that I try to point them towards God. One of the things I struggle with most is trying to fight the feeling that I am unable to help these people that I Love so much. I mean, I have so little to offer, other than what Jesus has given me. I try to point them towards Him, and at times it just seems to drag them further away. I feel inept right now, and I would, in a moment, trade some or all of the ease of my life if I could take on their sufferings and see them joyful. Because of my compassionate nature I literally feel their pain, but tack on to that the feeling that I am unable to really make a difference and the feeling that I am at some level partially responsible. Let me explain what I mean when I say that I feel partially responsible. In ethics there is a distinction between killing someone and letting them die. If you intently and purposely drown a young child almost everyone who is not a psychopath would say that you did something wrong. If you see someone drowning and do nothing to stop them when you are totally able to, most people would say, although there is some pushback to this, that although you are not held to be a murderer, you still did something morally reprehensible by not saving the drowning person. I am of this camp myself. That is the way that I feel in my present situation; although I did not cause this suffering in my friends, I am unable to abate it, and so I feel like it is still partially my fault. There is so much pain in this world, so many struggles that Jesus died for, and I see and feel them. I have another dear friend whose brother started cutting himself, a friend whose cousin is doing the same, a friend’s grandmother who has cancer, a friend who is struggling to make grades. What can I do about all of this, these things that I feel yet I barely have ties to? I trust that God did not cause these sufferings, but He will work them out for the good of those who Love Him. I trust with all I can trust with in that fact and as I lie here with a physical pain that prevents me from walking two steps without grimacing and wincing, I know that this pain will pass. I trust that for my friends as well. I know that God is bigger than this pain, that’s all I can know. I know He died for it, and as I see the sights and sounds of sufferings all around me, I just hope the sun comes out soon.

Quitting

I have not posted in a while, since around the time I was getting my job at K-Mart. This post is to explain why I'm quitting. Several people will probably not understand why I am quitting a job like the one I have. Let me explain to you why they are confused: I never have to work past 8pm, I am well-liked and the job is fairly easy and within biking distance, it pays over a dollar more than minimum, and I only have classes two days out of the week in total. And yet, here I am with a week left at this job. Do not get me wrong, K-Mart has been very good to me, allowing me to stay in SB during the summer and giving me extra money for ministry purposes. This job was admittedly a blessing from God, and I am the first to admit it. But there are other things that I value more than money, pretty much everything. This is I think the part where people get tripped up the most-this life is not about money, it's not. In fact, it's not about really anything that money can even get me, so I do not see the reason to strive for money. I've always felt that being rich is a crutch to not trusting God. Granted, there are rich people who still trust God, for sure, and many of them use their money very efficiently and very much the way that God wants them to. But for me, God is not calling me to be rich, I'm fairly certain. So the reason I quit my job is so that I have time to really invest in relationships. To be honest, I feel as though I have let a lot of good quality relationships in my life diminish, partly because of a lack of time, but partly because I have just gotten somewhat lazy relationally. Now granted, there is still a long way for me to go to understand relationships and how they work, but the bottom line is that I want true, genuine relationships in mu life more than any other earthly thing. This is what God is calling me to above and beyond K-mart: pursuing people and relationships hardcore. Like really running after them as best I know how, giving up all of my time and money and resources in the process. I want to be a man who gives over everything to others, and not for any other reason but so that God can be glorified through me. For that reason I want to be a man who is kind, encouraging, generous, loving, and a man around who and because of who people feel loved and feel totally comfortable opening up and confiding in. If all this if for my glory it will quickly fade away, as will my kingdom, but if I do this for God's glory, it will have eternal significance. These are desires I have had for the past four years, and maybe even beyond that, but I have always had an attitude that this is a place that God will take me to, whereas now I am in a place where I can act like this now, even though I am not perfect and I will fail, God will have grace to cover over those weaknesses and those failures. He is bigger than me. That is true, and the gospel is the only thing worth striving for. So, essentially my plan is to devote the 22+ hours that I am going to have free a week starting next Friday to people, giving over myself, pouring myself out like a drink. I will trust and rest in God to fill me up when I am poured out, but I will be striving to give each person in my life at least one real relationship. That is why I am quitting: I am too focused on eternity and on my home, I guess. ~Good Luck and Good Eats.