Heartache

People say that I have a big heart. One guy even calls me the man with the big heart. Up until now I've always wondered if they're right. Sure, I Love people a lot, but is my heart really big. This year, I have seen confirmation though that my heart is indeed large. This entire quarter my heart has been restless, uneasy. Something has felt wrong but I have been unable to pin it down, down. Tonight while on my way back from an unsuccessful prayer trip to the beach (the tide was too high to actually go down), and I encountered two homeless guys. I Love homeless people, understand, and I have been meeting and hanging with a lot of them so far this year. Usually I talk with them for a bit, maybe give them a few dollars, what I have in my wallet, and carry on with a few words of prayer for them. Tonight's encounter was pretty different. I talked with Q-Tip and his friend for a bit, but I had no money to give them. At one point Q-Tip looked me in the eyes and spoke to me directly about how he knows he is going to die from alcohol poisoning but just does not care. The conversation ended shortly thereafter with them moving to a spot more convenient to panhandle. As I walked away my eyes teared up; I cried out to God asking Him why there are so many people unhappy, in pain, and hurting. My heart absolutely breaks for Q-Tip, it breaks for all the homeless, but it is not just them. Whenever I walk by two people fighting my heart sinks a little bit. All of the pain around me literally seeps into my heart. I have a deep, compassionate heart and all of the pain in this world affects me so deeply. I know that I was built with this heart, these desires to see laughter, joy, peace as opposed to hurt feelings, unhappy thoughts for a reason, but right now all I can feel is all of the unhappiness in this world and how it can go on.
I do not really know where I'm going with this, except to say that now I have seen the negatives of a huge heart. Rather, I've felt it. What's more, I've felt so much guilt over my inability to help this world. I have such a deep compassion and empathy and my desire to help people and make them feel better, but seeing them still hurting, all of it is too much for me to bear. This world is empty, and I can literally feel the sorrow.
This blog is not meant to end happy, there are no treats of the week. The only appropriate is to ask you to pray. I don't really care who your God is, Jesus, Shiva, Zeus, yourself, just pray for all of the sadness and unobtainable pain in this world. If you don't care about it, then do it for me, to ease the pain that was born in this world and parked itself in my heart.

Getting Away

I have not posted in a couple of weeks, because my weeks and weekends have been crazy. I have been out of IV the past couple weekends. My weeks also were quite busy, and I suppose that my head was just in a different place because I feel like my head is finally at peace an in line with the rest of me. Two weekends ago I visited some friends from summer project up in Chico, somewhere I had never been before. It was quite the experience, undoubtedly good to see some friends that I had not seen in a while and experience some of a place that I had never before been to. I also got there and back by taking two busses and a train, and did not ever really feel totally healthy the entire time. I met a crazy Russian and a talkative Afghan at the bus stop. I ate dinner at the sketchiest liquor store because it was close to the bus stop. I saw the Sharks stadium, even though I am not a hockey fan. I took an overnight bus that had a 2am stop at a McDonalds. It was one heck of a weekend that would require an entire post and a half itself, and it was definitely an adventure that took me out of my comfort zone.
Then this last weekend was Real Life's fall retreat up in the hills of Slo at a campground surrounded by God's beauty. It was not that I necessarily had high expectations for the retreat, I just wanted to see God show up big and do His thing, unifying and bonding people together in a way that even the most well-planned professional retreat cannot. He did. I saw a community turned into a family. I saw a man violently vomit black cherry soda and spam. I saw a building full of people in reverent worship of God. I saw a family devoted to cooking us good food. I saw even more friends from my summer. I saw new friendships spring up. Ultimately, this weekend was one that saw a family form and brought people on the outskirts, people hurting and lost, into a family longing to welcome them in.
Yes, these were a couple of crazy weekends, and that does not even speak to how my weeks have been. This time away has taught me many things, and one of the most major things that sticks out to me is how very blessed I am. I have people all over the state who want to see me. I have a community here who loves me and looks to me. I have a life that I actually enjoy, because of the grace of God. He makes all of this possible. He puts my fears to rest. He reminds me that it is about Him and He will take care of little old me. I'm simply a vessel.
IV Peep of the week: I think this one goes to the guy walking to campus with an earbud in each ear and a yo-yo in each hand. Quite the sight.
Treats of the week: I haven't had a ton of time to bake recently, but I did make homemade baked mac and cheese, a couple batches of oreo cheesecake cookies, and banana chocolate chip muffins.
Restaurant of the week: Mo's up in Slo. Delicious bbq with four different types of bbq sauces. It was a sauce boss.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

Swiftness of Change

I've been meaning to write on this for a while, but it has definitely been reinforced to me lately. I have noticed it in abundance lately, how quickly time brings change to things. It happens with many things, almost everything as a matter of fact, and it really just blows me away. It makes the ground more shaky and everything around me seem far less stable. At this time last year I could not tell up from down in a kitchen; now I am considered to know my way around. This time last year I lived with eight other guys; now I live with less than half of that. Two months ago I was in Glendora; three months ago I was in Santa Monica. Soon I will be done with school. All that happens so fast, but even in the little things change comes like a fierce storm. People come and go from jobs like nothing. Businesses pop in and out of Isla Vista like candy canes at Christmas. Even the days themselves seem not to want to stick around for very long. I know it may seem like all of this is obvious or as they say in my area of study, apriori knowable, it is worth stating because of the severity of the truth of it. Last week I had a class that I do not have this week. All of these things just change so quickly.
It all makes me wonder what the solution to it is, what can give life its meaning and purpose again, when change blurs that notion? The answer is a simple, three-letter word: GOD. God's all-loving, never-ending character is so peaceful given it all. His assurance of always being there for me is what I have to hold on to. It gives me peace and rest, and without it the whirlwind of change would seemingly push me to a place I don't want to be. Now I am left with just one sentiment: gladness.
IV Peep of the week: I have to use this as a shout-out to the homeless people that I have been hanging out with in IV: Q-tip, richard, carrie, goofy, and pirate.
Treats of the week: Just a cobbler and a pizookie, not much else but more to come this week.
~Good Luck and Good Eats.