I am not sure if anyone really reads this blog anymore. I have been undeniably inconsistent in my postings and have not had proper motivation. This post might help explain why. I have not felt emotions lately. It is something that I have long struggled with without really understanding why. My mind is so logic based, and that is so often a beautiful thing, but when joy seems foreign, it is little respite. And I do not mean that I am sad, I mean that I do not know what I am feeling. Emotions altogether seem so foreign. I try and understand why, try to diagnose why, and often when I think that I am making progress therewith, it is more of the same. Perhaps this is just what it feels like to be an adult, but I do not think that it is. If I had to posit a guess, I would imagine that because I miss so many people and feel so often like I miss the mark, when I do have the beauty of a gaze inwardly, I experience a rush of love and difficulty and sadness and joy, and I do not know how to process or deal with these intense emotions, so I suppress them, choosing to focus on whatever task is at hand. The consequence of this is that my waking mind feels utterly divorced from my emotions, and I cannot express in writing the strange difficulty I have therein. Granted, all of that could be wrong; it is merely a conjecture at the thoughts running through my head on this night when I feel so utterly empty emotionally. I do wish that I knew why I feel so distant, so divorced from any sort of feelings. Perhaps it is just now that I am processing emotions that have been long buried, since I graduated from college. I honestly do not know.
But one thing I do know: I would give whatever it took to get those back. Would I trade my intense logic, my ability to seemingly robotically complete tasks, trade my intellect and the depth of thought and intuition? Perhaps. And for one simple reason: I want to love people again. Despite an incredible ability to understand things, I do not even understand myself anymore. When emotion is out of the picture, things seem to lose their sheen, their gusto. Sure, there are still some things that get me semi-riled up, still some things that give me some loose semblance of the joy that I used to be so familiar with, of the love that I at one time I exemplified. But these things are fading, and bleak, and ultimately it does nothing to relieve the feeling that I no longer know myself. I no longer feel that I love people, although I want to; I no longer feel like the same things bring me joy, though I want them to; I do not even feel any longer like I am properly a whole person.
You are probably reading this (if there is anybody left who does) and would say that it is really a bleak picture that I am painting, and you are probably wondering if there is any possible solution that I have discovered. There is not solution. I pray a lot these days, but at its worst, even that feels bleak and empty. I do hope that this is a temporary thing, but sadly I do not know. I do ask that if you have read this far, then regardless of what you believe or feel, I ask that you say a prayer for me, however quick or simple. I would appreciate that.
As for me, I have learned to function robotically. I can manage surprisingly well despite the bleakness I feel. I will continue to operate at peak performance, understanding things and shirking away from things that I do not understand. I hope to feel again, hope to love again, hope to regain the part of me that I have lost, hope to loosen-up, hope to be willing to share myself with others, hope to be unafraid and unashamed to be emotional with, in front of, and for people, hope to get better at expressing this affliction and opening myself up to this, hope that this is all so very temporary, and most of all I hope to feel so many different types of emotions.
Lord God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
