"Thanksgiving enables us to be fully present in each of the moments of our lives and, at the same time, be fully present to the eternity which is crashing into those moments (for those who have eyes to see). We have the ability to resist the culture of despair by bearing witness to life and hope! Cynicism loosens its smugly fearful, icy grip, warmed by winds of thanks."
Thankfulness takes work. This is in part an answer to my inquiry in the last post. Perhaps it is not that I am ungrateful, just a bit lazy. I was even unsure of if I would write this post today because it takes energy and effort to do so, just as it does to be thankful. The simple reality is that although it would be great if (and sometimes this does happen) you are just a bystander as thankfulness possess you, but often this is not the case. More often than not, I believe that thankfulness is necessitated by critical thought; you need to allow thankfulness to take its hold of you and it is that much more likely to do so. On the contrary, if you think that you can be a bystander and yet still develop an attitude of thankfulness, than it is much less likely to happen.
Perhaps you may think that this all goes without saying, and perhaps it does and I do believe that it is implied in the previous posts. However, I would be utterly remiss if I went all this time without simply stating this fact, thankfulness requires critical thought. You need to think about what you are thankful for, critically. If you allow yourself to grow lazy and complacent in your thinking and even in your thankfulness, then thankfulness will not only not likely take effect, but it will likely not be as potent if it does. I think this is true of many things, but this is after all a meditation on thankfulness.
I arrived at this by thinking about all of the things that I am thankful for, as I often do, but especially now since it is Christmas time I felt like this would be a healthy exercise. But I also found within myself a proclivity to be lazy and not want to think critically about this. It then hit me just how much thought and energy and effort thankfulness actually requires. I think that in seasons when I do not find myself being very thankful or when i find that my thankfulness is not affecting me like I wish that it would, at least in terms of my actions, it is likely that I am not giving it the thought that it requires and would behoove me to do so. I need to delve deeper and concede that thankfulness takes much critical thought and effort.
This has been the sixth day meditating on thankfulness.
Friday, December 26, 2014
Monday, December 22, 2014
Meditations on Thankfulness: Day 5
"Thanksgiving enables us to be fully present in each of the moments of our lives and, at the same time, be fully present to the eternity which is crashing into those moments (for those who have eyes to see). We have the ability to resist the culture of despair by bearing witness to life and hope! Cynicism loosens its smugly fearful, icy grip, warmed by winds of thanks."
Am I thankful? This is a question that I have been wrestling with since I started this project. I mean, am I thankful, really? This whole project has depended on my own thankfulness, and I have talked about how I believe that thankfulness as an attitude leads one to act in such a way, so every time I act in a way that is not indicative of thankfulness, I find myself asking, 'Am I really thankful?' Or, I guess, why is the way I act not always consistent with someone who is thankful as an attitude? This question haunts me. The reason that today's meditation is more on my own disposition than really on thankfulness is because I want to be as transparent as possible with where I am at. The reason for that is so that you are better able to traverse what I say and understand with the biases that I am going into this project with. Understand, I wish that my actions were more consistent with my admitted disposition, but sometimes they do not line up. It is something that I am working on; after all, if my thankfulness does not motivate and guide my actions, what is the real point of it?
And that gets to the heart of where this haunting question has lead me to: if it does not motivate, what is the point of thankfulness? It is a nice idea, but just as with anything, it has to affect the type of person you are. It is akin to the word 'sorry'; it sounds nice, and as the recipient I appreciate that you are apologetic, but if you are truly sorrowful, it will affect your actions going forward. The same is true with thankfulness, and I think that actions that line up and back up words and attitudes validate and make genuine thankfulness. So, I do not think that it is a stretch to say that my thankfulness is not fully valid and partially not genuine. I accept that, and again, I am trying to change. I would encourage you, if this exercise at all allows you to better seek thankfulness and if you have more of a desire for it as an attitude, seek genuine thankfulness with actions that validate.
This has been the fourth day meditating on thankfulness.
Am I thankful? This is a question that I have been wrestling with since I started this project. I mean, am I thankful, really? This whole project has depended on my own thankfulness, and I have talked about how I believe that thankfulness as an attitude leads one to act in such a way, so every time I act in a way that is not indicative of thankfulness, I find myself asking, 'Am I really thankful?' Or, I guess, why is the way I act not always consistent with someone who is thankful as an attitude? This question haunts me. The reason that today's meditation is more on my own disposition than really on thankfulness is because I want to be as transparent as possible with where I am at. The reason for that is so that you are better able to traverse what I say and understand with the biases that I am going into this project with. Understand, I wish that my actions were more consistent with my admitted disposition, but sometimes they do not line up. It is something that I am working on; after all, if my thankfulness does not motivate and guide my actions, what is the real point of it?
And that gets to the heart of where this haunting question has lead me to: if it does not motivate, what is the point of thankfulness? It is a nice idea, but just as with anything, it has to affect the type of person you are. It is akin to the word 'sorry'; it sounds nice, and as the recipient I appreciate that you are apologetic, but if you are truly sorrowful, it will affect your actions going forward. The same is true with thankfulness, and I think that actions that line up and back up words and attitudes validate and make genuine thankfulness. So, I do not think that it is a stretch to say that my thankfulness is not fully valid and partially not genuine. I accept that, and again, I am trying to change. I would encourage you, if this exercise at all allows you to better seek thankfulness and if you have more of a desire for it as an attitude, seek genuine thankfulness with actions that validate.
This has been the fourth day meditating on thankfulness.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Meditations on Thankfulness: Day 4
"Thanksgiving enables us to be fully present in each of the moments of our lives and, at the same time, be fully present to the eternity which is crashing into those moments (for those who have eyes to see). We have the ability to resist the culture of despair by bearing witness to life and hope! Cynicism loosens its smugly fearful, icy grip, warmed by winds of thanks."
In being thankful for something, what is the right response? Is it to guard it, making sure that nothing happens to it, or is it to share it, hoping that others get tot enjoy this thing that you have so much thankfulness for? This is something that I have come to wonder about in this latest edition. I think that many people that I have had the pleasure of interacting with in my lifetime have taken the former approach (i. e. if you are thankful for your money, make sure to keep it safe and ensure that nothing happens to it), whereas I have taken the latter (i. e. if you are thankful for money, share it with others who have less so that they may have money also). This latter approach really comes out of the previous meditation, thinking on where thankfulness comes from. I noted that thankfulness comes from having a lack of something, at least for me, and I am sure that there are more places that thankfulness comes from that will continue to be unpacked as this project continues. Understanding that, it is easy to see why I take the latter view: knowing that my thanksgiving comes from previously having had a lack of something but now having an abundance, I want to share with others who have a lack ensuring that they get to enjoy the same benefits from whatever it is that I get to enjoy.
However, for you if thanksgiving comes from somewhere else (say for instance the pleasure that you get from whatever it is that you are thankful for), than your inclination might be to the former approach because you seek to preserve that pleasure for as long as possible. You do not share what you have, seeking to allow others to also enjoy the pleasure that you get, because you know that in doing so you will thereby receive less glory because there will be less of whatever it is. (This may sound cynical and you may be thinking that you would never actually prescribe to this mindset, but I would challenge and encourage you to think realistically and unbiased about yourself and ask whether or not this really is your mindset. It is far more common than you might realize.)
However, neither of these really addresses the question of what should an adequate response to thankfulness be. And to answer that, you have to answer what type of a person you desire to be. If you want to be a great person who changes the world and is selfless with what you have, then the only proper response to thankfulness has to be inevitably a desire to share your blessings and what you have with others so that they too get to partake. However, if you do not care about being a great, selfless individual, then why be selfless as a response to thanksgiving? I think that it is truly the best response, sharing and generosity but one which is not seen enough. Be generous understanding that you will likely get burned many times, but it is not your primary prerogative, at least it should not be, to protect yourself from being burned. It should be your primary prerogative to ensure that the world is a better place than it was before you were in it because you were in it.
This has been the fourth day meditating on thankfulness.
In being thankful for something, what is the right response? Is it to guard it, making sure that nothing happens to it, or is it to share it, hoping that others get tot enjoy this thing that you have so much thankfulness for? This is something that I have come to wonder about in this latest edition. I think that many people that I have had the pleasure of interacting with in my lifetime have taken the former approach (i. e. if you are thankful for your money, make sure to keep it safe and ensure that nothing happens to it), whereas I have taken the latter (i. e. if you are thankful for money, share it with others who have less so that they may have money also). This latter approach really comes out of the previous meditation, thinking on where thankfulness comes from. I noted that thankfulness comes from having a lack of something, at least for me, and I am sure that there are more places that thankfulness comes from that will continue to be unpacked as this project continues. Understanding that, it is easy to see why I take the latter view: knowing that my thanksgiving comes from previously having had a lack of something but now having an abundance, I want to share with others who have a lack ensuring that they get to enjoy the same benefits from whatever it is that I get to enjoy.
However, for you if thanksgiving comes from somewhere else (say for instance the pleasure that you get from whatever it is that you are thankful for), than your inclination might be to the former approach because you seek to preserve that pleasure for as long as possible. You do not share what you have, seeking to allow others to also enjoy the pleasure that you get, because you know that in doing so you will thereby receive less glory because there will be less of whatever it is. (This may sound cynical and you may be thinking that you would never actually prescribe to this mindset, but I would challenge and encourage you to think realistically and unbiased about yourself and ask whether or not this really is your mindset. It is far more common than you might realize.)
However, neither of these really addresses the question of what should an adequate response to thankfulness be. And to answer that, you have to answer what type of a person you desire to be. If you want to be a great person who changes the world and is selfless with what you have, then the only proper response to thankfulness has to be inevitably a desire to share your blessings and what you have with others so that they too get to partake. However, if you do not care about being a great, selfless individual, then why be selfless as a response to thanksgiving? I think that it is truly the best response, sharing and generosity but one which is not seen enough. Be generous understanding that you will likely get burned many times, but it is not your primary prerogative, at least it should not be, to protect yourself from being burned. It should be your primary prerogative to ensure that the world is a better place than it was before you were in it because you were in it.
This has been the fourth day meditating on thankfulness.
Friday, December 19, 2014
Meditations on Thankfulness: Day 3
"Thanksgiving enables us to be fully present in each of the moments of our lives and, at the same time, be fully present to the eternity which is crashing into those moments (for those who have eyes to see). We have the ability to resist the culture of despair by bearing witness to life and hope! Cynicism loosens its smugly fearful, icy grip, warmed by winds of thanks."
Where does thankfulness come from? That is the question that I find myself wrestling with today. I mean, if you find that you are not thankful, how are you able to make yourself so? Or is that even possible? Is it all a matter of genetics, the way you were raised, etc. and thus unable to be changed? I do not think that that is the case. However, if not, then what?
To best answer these questions, the logical first starting point is to ask myself why I am thankful. If I can get to the root of where my thankfulness comes from, then perhaps I will be able to discern how one who is not thankful can change and become so. But before I even begin this mental excursion, I must clarify something. I have been talking about thankfulness and its benefits and implicit in this is the notion that you should be thankful to receive the benefits therefrom. This is a tactic that I have been subconsciously using in order to try and convince you, the reader, to be thankful. But let us get something clear: while I think it is incredibly beneficial to have thankfulness as an attitude and while I think you should be thankful, I think that the reason that you should be should be entirely selfless. You should be thankful because having thankfulness as an attitude just makes the world a better place. Be selfless in your reason for thankfulness because thankfulness itself is selfless and I have already discussed how dependent thankfulness is on humility, which is a bedfellow with selflessness. I just felt the need to clarify why I think thankfulness should be adopted as an attitude.
All that being said, I do think that my thankfulness originates from a place of suffering and lack of. Whatever it is that I am thankful, I am thankful for because I used to not have it. For instance, I am thankful for loving relationships because there have been periods of my life where I have lacked these things. I am thankful for a job because I have lacked a job at times in my life. This is where particular thankfulness comes from, but I think that thankfulness as an attitude is a result of a conglomeration of these little thankfulnesses. I do not know how many of these thankfulnesses are required before you really have an attitude of thankfulness, but I do believe that that is where you come from. But this begs the question: if you are not thankful, how can you become so? This is, after all, the original question we set out to answer.
I find myself unequipped with that answer at this time. I guess I would say, you do not really value something unless you lack of it. Perhaps further meditations will help expound on this question, but for now I would just say that you need to lack something before you can really value and be thankful for it to the fullest.
This has been the third day meditating on thankfulness.
Where does thankfulness come from? That is the question that I find myself wrestling with today. I mean, if you find that you are not thankful, how are you able to make yourself so? Or is that even possible? Is it all a matter of genetics, the way you were raised, etc. and thus unable to be changed? I do not think that that is the case. However, if not, then what?
To best answer these questions, the logical first starting point is to ask myself why I am thankful. If I can get to the root of where my thankfulness comes from, then perhaps I will be able to discern how one who is not thankful can change and become so. But before I even begin this mental excursion, I must clarify something. I have been talking about thankfulness and its benefits and implicit in this is the notion that you should be thankful to receive the benefits therefrom. This is a tactic that I have been subconsciously using in order to try and convince you, the reader, to be thankful. But let us get something clear: while I think it is incredibly beneficial to have thankfulness as an attitude and while I think you should be thankful, I think that the reason that you should be should be entirely selfless. You should be thankful because having thankfulness as an attitude just makes the world a better place. Be selfless in your reason for thankfulness because thankfulness itself is selfless and I have already discussed how dependent thankfulness is on humility, which is a bedfellow with selflessness. I just felt the need to clarify why I think thankfulness should be adopted as an attitude.
All that being said, I do think that my thankfulness originates from a place of suffering and lack of. Whatever it is that I am thankful, I am thankful for because I used to not have it. For instance, I am thankful for loving relationships because there have been periods of my life where I have lacked these things. I am thankful for a job because I have lacked a job at times in my life. This is where particular thankfulness comes from, but I think that thankfulness as an attitude is a result of a conglomeration of these little thankfulnesses. I do not know how many of these thankfulnesses are required before you really have an attitude of thankfulness, but I do believe that that is where you come from. But this begs the question: if you are not thankful, how can you become so? This is, after all, the original question we set out to answer.
I find myself unequipped with that answer at this time. I guess I would say, you do not really value something unless you lack of it. Perhaps further meditations will help expound on this question, but for now I would just say that you need to lack something before you can really value and be thankful for it to the fullest.
This has been the third day meditating on thankfulness.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Meditations on Thankfulness: Day 2
"Thanksgiving enables us to be fully present in each of the moments of our lives and, at the same time, be fully present to the eternity which is crashing into those moments (for those who have eyes to see). We have the ability to resist the culture of despair by bearing witness to life and hope! Cynicism loosens its smugly fearful, icy grip, warmed by winds of thanks."
Day 2: Whether or not it should be this way, thankfulness is very relative. It is one of the reasons that thankfulness and humility are bedfellows. It is reality that if you think that you are entitled to the world, than you will not be thankful unless you have the world. One of the secrets to thankfulness as an attitude is to understand realistic expectations. Realize that you do not deserve much and you will in turn be much more thankful simply because there will be much more to be thankful for. When you relate yourself to those who have nothing than your eyes will be open to see the little things around you and rejoice in them, and I mean the really little things. For instance, cultivate a conscious understanding that many people the world over do not have access to flushing toilets, a blessing that has just become part of our lives, and you will be that much more thankful that you have flushing toilets. In order to really develop an attitude of thankfulness, you must cultivate practices that remove you from complacent, taking things from granted, whether those be relationships, blessings, what have you, and start to see things from a lower perspective.
What I am trying to say is that thankfulness for the small things rests on you believing that you do not deserve the world. I am thankful for cells that regenerate because there are so many people who are sick and much less healthy than I am. I am thankful for the money that I have because there are so many people who have so much less than me, even though I am not upper-class. Understand? Thankfulness needs humility in order to really thrive. Without humility thankfulness does not thrive and is not really genuine because it is always backed by an air of wanting more. You need to be content (not complacent) in order to be thankful.
I would encourage this generation, one of entitlement, to change to humility and be thankful. Relate yourself to those who have less, even nothing and you will find yourself thankful, and all of the benefits that come therefrom. Relate yourself to those who have more than you feeling like you are entitled and you will develop an attitude of bitterness and all of the defeats that come therefrom. The choice is yours.
This has been the second day meditating on thankfulness.
Day 2: Whether or not it should be this way, thankfulness is very relative. It is one of the reasons that thankfulness and humility are bedfellows. It is reality that if you think that you are entitled to the world, than you will not be thankful unless you have the world. One of the secrets to thankfulness as an attitude is to understand realistic expectations. Realize that you do not deserve much and you will in turn be much more thankful simply because there will be much more to be thankful for. When you relate yourself to those who have nothing than your eyes will be open to see the little things around you and rejoice in them, and I mean the really little things. For instance, cultivate a conscious understanding that many people the world over do not have access to flushing toilets, a blessing that has just become part of our lives, and you will be that much more thankful that you have flushing toilets. In order to really develop an attitude of thankfulness, you must cultivate practices that remove you from complacent, taking things from granted, whether those be relationships, blessings, what have you, and start to see things from a lower perspective.
What I am trying to say is that thankfulness for the small things rests on you believing that you do not deserve the world. I am thankful for cells that regenerate because there are so many people who are sick and much less healthy than I am. I am thankful for the money that I have because there are so many people who have so much less than me, even though I am not upper-class. Understand? Thankfulness needs humility in order to really thrive. Without humility thankfulness does not thrive and is not really genuine because it is always backed by an air of wanting more. You need to be content (not complacent) in order to be thankful.
I would encourage this generation, one of entitlement, to change to humility and be thankful. Relate yourself to those who have less, even nothing and you will find yourself thankful, and all of the benefits that come therefrom. Relate yourself to those who have more than you feeling like you are entitled and you will develop an attitude of bitterness and all of the defeats that come therefrom. The choice is yours.
This has been the second day meditating on thankfulness.
Monday, December 15, 2014
Meditations on Thankfulness: Day 1
"Thanksgiving enables us to be fully present in each of the moments of our lives and, at the same time, be fully present to the eternity which is crashing into those moments (for those who have eyes to see). We have the ability to resist the culture of despair by bearing witness to life and hope! Cynicism loosens its smugly fearful, icy grip, warmed by winds of thanks."
I am starting a new series (and ideally continuing it). I have felt very thankful lately but the reality is that it has not yet affected me as I wish. I am aware of my thankfulness, but it has not shaped me as a person quite yet, so I have decided to take some time everyday to spend time meditating on thankfulness. I am not sure yet what will come out of this, but I think that thankfulness is extremely beneficial in a variety of areas of life. So, that is the background.
Day 1: I think that thankfulness goes a lot deeper than most people realize. Not simply politely saying "Thank You" now and again, but having an honest attitude of thankfulness. Lately I have been very thankful just for the gift of being alive every day. I have not done anything to earn this life and the fact that I have new days each and every day is something that I am continually thankful for.
Thankfulness changes things. Someone who is thankful as an attitude complains less. It is quite simple, if you are thankful for something than that person is far less likely to complain about it; it is a blessing merely to possess it. Additionally, I think that thankfulness as an attitude is the antithesis to anger. If you are really truly thankful for something, than it is awfully hard to get angry about it. Really, try being really thankful for a certain relationship and see if you can still get easily angry at that person. I think that what I am trying to say is that thankfulness as an attitude makes you a better person. It may seem obvious to say such, but I try and give objective reasons for things. Hence, enjoy some objective reasons that thankfulness as an attitude makes you a better person: you generally complain less, it takes more to get angry (and I think you generally get angry at more correct things), and I would say finally that you live life with more purpose. Allow me to elaborate on this last point.
Suppose that you get a Christmas gift and it is something that you have really been wanted and you are so thankful for this, and I mean truly thankful. You will do your best to protect this item, be it a toy, clothes, etc. You do not take lightly this gift and you do not take it for granted. Or, if you get money as a gift, you are more lightly to spend it wisely and not foolishly. So, it is easy to see how when you take the attitude that your life is a gift and you are really thankful for it, you do not want to waste it; instead, you want to spend it wisely, understanding that you get but one life. I am so thankful for my life right now, and I do not want to waste it, I cannot. This is yet another way that thankfulness practically makes you a better person: you value life more and thus live it with more purpose; I think that it is even more difficult to grow complacent when you are really thankful for life. Seeing as you have so few days, it is vitally important to be thankful just for life because in that you are freed to find purpose.
I guess that I would just encourage you to just value your life, be thankful for just being alive, and watch as you practically become a better person, at least that is what I am trying to do.
This has been the first of my meditations on thankfulness.
I am starting a new series (and ideally continuing it). I have felt very thankful lately but the reality is that it has not yet affected me as I wish. I am aware of my thankfulness, but it has not shaped me as a person quite yet, so I have decided to take some time everyday to spend time meditating on thankfulness. I am not sure yet what will come out of this, but I think that thankfulness is extremely beneficial in a variety of areas of life. So, that is the background.
Day 1: I think that thankfulness goes a lot deeper than most people realize. Not simply politely saying "Thank You" now and again, but having an honest attitude of thankfulness. Lately I have been very thankful just for the gift of being alive every day. I have not done anything to earn this life and the fact that I have new days each and every day is something that I am continually thankful for.
Thankfulness changes things. Someone who is thankful as an attitude complains less. It is quite simple, if you are thankful for something than that person is far less likely to complain about it; it is a blessing merely to possess it. Additionally, I think that thankfulness as an attitude is the antithesis to anger. If you are really truly thankful for something, than it is awfully hard to get angry about it. Really, try being really thankful for a certain relationship and see if you can still get easily angry at that person. I think that what I am trying to say is that thankfulness as an attitude makes you a better person. It may seem obvious to say such, but I try and give objective reasons for things. Hence, enjoy some objective reasons that thankfulness as an attitude makes you a better person: you generally complain less, it takes more to get angry (and I think you generally get angry at more correct things), and I would say finally that you live life with more purpose. Allow me to elaborate on this last point.
Suppose that you get a Christmas gift and it is something that you have really been wanted and you are so thankful for this, and I mean truly thankful. You will do your best to protect this item, be it a toy, clothes, etc. You do not take lightly this gift and you do not take it for granted. Or, if you get money as a gift, you are more lightly to spend it wisely and not foolishly. So, it is easy to see how when you take the attitude that your life is a gift and you are really thankful for it, you do not want to waste it; instead, you want to spend it wisely, understanding that you get but one life. I am so thankful for my life right now, and I do not want to waste it, I cannot. This is yet another way that thankfulness practically makes you a better person: you value life more and thus live it with more purpose; I think that it is even more difficult to grow complacent when you are really thankful for life. Seeing as you have so few days, it is vitally important to be thankful just for life because in that you are freed to find purpose.
I guess that I would just encourage you to just value your life, be thankful for just being alive, and watch as you practically become a better person, at least that is what I am trying to do.
This has been the first of my meditations on thankfulness.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Emotions
I am not sure if anyone really reads this blog anymore. I have been undeniably inconsistent in my postings and have not had proper motivation. This post might help explain why. I have not felt emotions lately. It is something that I have long struggled with without really understanding why. My mind is so logic based, and that is so often a beautiful thing, but when joy seems foreign, it is little respite. And I do not mean that I am sad, I mean that I do not know what I am feeling. Emotions altogether seem so foreign. I try and understand why, try to diagnose why, and often when I think that I am making progress therewith, it is more of the same. Perhaps this is just what it feels like to be an adult, but I do not think that it is. If I had to posit a guess, I would imagine that because I miss so many people and feel so often like I miss the mark, when I do have the beauty of a gaze inwardly, I experience a rush of love and difficulty and sadness and joy, and I do not know how to process or deal with these intense emotions, so I suppress them, choosing to focus on whatever task is at hand. The consequence of this is that my waking mind feels utterly divorced from my emotions, and I cannot express in writing the strange difficulty I have therein. Granted, all of that could be wrong; it is merely a conjecture at the thoughts running through my head on this night when I feel so utterly empty emotionally. I do wish that I knew why I feel so distant, so divorced from any sort of feelings. Perhaps it is just now that I am processing emotions that have been long buried, since I graduated from college. I honestly do not know.
But one thing I do know: I would give whatever it took to get those back. Would I trade my intense logic, my ability to seemingly robotically complete tasks, trade my intellect and the depth of thought and intuition? Perhaps. And for one simple reason: I want to love people again. Despite an incredible ability to understand things, I do not even understand myself anymore. When emotion is out of the picture, things seem to lose their sheen, their gusto. Sure, there are still some things that get me semi-riled up, still some things that give me some loose semblance of the joy that I used to be so familiar with, of the love that I at one time I exemplified. But these things are fading, and bleak, and ultimately it does nothing to relieve the feeling that I no longer know myself. I no longer feel that I love people, although I want to; I no longer feel like the same things bring me joy, though I want them to; I do not even feel any longer like I am properly a whole person.
You are probably reading this (if there is anybody left who does) and would say that it is really a bleak picture that I am painting, and you are probably wondering if there is any possible solution that I have discovered. There is not solution. I pray a lot these days, but at its worst, even that feels bleak and empty. I do hope that this is a temporary thing, but sadly I do not know. I do ask that if you have read this far, then regardless of what you believe or feel, I ask that you say a prayer for me, however quick or simple. I would appreciate that.
As for me, I have learned to function robotically. I can manage surprisingly well despite the bleakness I feel. I will continue to operate at peak performance, understanding things and shirking away from things that I do not understand. I hope to feel again, hope to love again, hope to regain the part of me that I have lost, hope to loosen-up, hope to be willing to share myself with others, hope to be unafraid and unashamed to be emotional with, in front of, and for people, hope to get better at expressing this affliction and opening myself up to this, hope that this is all so very temporary, and most of all I hope to feel so many different types of emotions.
Lord God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
But one thing I do know: I would give whatever it took to get those back. Would I trade my intense logic, my ability to seemingly robotically complete tasks, trade my intellect and the depth of thought and intuition? Perhaps. And for one simple reason: I want to love people again. Despite an incredible ability to understand things, I do not even understand myself anymore. When emotion is out of the picture, things seem to lose their sheen, their gusto. Sure, there are still some things that get me semi-riled up, still some things that give me some loose semblance of the joy that I used to be so familiar with, of the love that I at one time I exemplified. But these things are fading, and bleak, and ultimately it does nothing to relieve the feeling that I no longer know myself. I no longer feel that I love people, although I want to; I no longer feel like the same things bring me joy, though I want them to; I do not even feel any longer like I am properly a whole person.
You are probably reading this (if there is anybody left who does) and would say that it is really a bleak picture that I am painting, and you are probably wondering if there is any possible solution that I have discovered. There is not solution. I pray a lot these days, but at its worst, even that feels bleak and empty. I do hope that this is a temporary thing, but sadly I do not know. I do ask that if you have read this far, then regardless of what you believe or feel, I ask that you say a prayer for me, however quick or simple. I would appreciate that.
As for me, I have learned to function robotically. I can manage surprisingly well despite the bleakness I feel. I will continue to operate at peak performance, understanding things and shirking away from things that I do not understand. I hope to feel again, hope to love again, hope to regain the part of me that I have lost, hope to loosen-up, hope to be willing to share myself with others, hope to be unafraid and unashamed to be emotional with, in front of, and for people, hope to get better at expressing this affliction and opening myself up to this, hope that this is all so very temporary, and most of all I hope to feel so many different types of emotions.
Lord God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Jenny and Snickerdoodles
This post is a bit late, so forgive me.
This is Jenny:
She is a lovely housemate of mine and the reason that my house looks and smells delightful. When I asked what type of cookies I should make not too long ago, she quickly quipped "Snickerdoodles." I like Jenny. She's fun, easy to talk with, has my back, and will eat what I make, so I could think of no better person to inaugurate this new era of blogging with then Jenny. She is still in school, but working a lot this summer. Jenny has a subtle selflessness about her that I do not think she gets enough credit for, and a livelihood to boot. I have already had many god conversations with her.
Unfortunately, we did not have any cinnamon, but a trip to Costco for the huge cinnamon fixed that, and I got to work. I checked my archives and dusted off my old snickerdoodle recipe. I did not have cream of tartar so I substituted that and the BS for baking powder. I also did not have nutmeg (and still do not), so I painfully omitted it. I also used all butter instead of shortening, and brown sugar instead of white. I have a brown sugar obsession. I combined the dry stuff and the wet stuff, and mixed it together:
. Of course, part of the fun of making Snickerdoodles is rolling them in the cinnamon sugar mixture 
, so I got Jenny and my friend Troy to help me with that part. We rolled them and set them on a buttered cookie sheet: .JPG)
. Pop into the oven, 400 for ten minutes, and they slide right out. Now, we made a couple batches of these because they are simply heavenly, and even then they went super quick. .JPG)
. Not only did Jenny have several, but our other housemates and guests had several as well, and everyone loved them. I tell you, these things went fast.
I am telling you, these cookies are delicious, and I have tried them unaltered, and they are very good as well. Also, I am very excited to be living with Jenny this year. She recently drove a friend and me back from the bay over July fourth weekend.
.
Anyways, good Luck and good Eats.
This is Jenny:
Unfortunately, we did not have any cinnamon, but a trip to Costco for the huge cinnamon fixed that, and I got to work. I checked my archives and dusted off my old snickerdoodle recipe. I did not have cream of tartar so I substituted that and the BS for baking powder. I also did not have nutmeg (and still do not), so I painfully omitted it. I also used all butter instead of shortening, and brown sugar instead of white. I have a brown sugar obsession. I combined the dry stuff and the wet stuff, and mixed it together:
.JPG)
.JPG)
I am telling you, these cookies are delicious, and I have tried them unaltered, and they are very good as well. Also, I am very excited to be living with Jenny this year. She recently drove a friend and me back from the bay over July fourth weekend.
Anyways, good Luck and good Eats.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Revamp
I'm revamping my blog. As any of my loyal readers (all two of you) can probably tell, it has grown rather stale. Because of this I have decided to start doing things a little bit differently. It's going to become, I think, a people-story-baking blog. By that I mean this: each week I will feature something that I have made, with pictures, and a story of a person that goes along with it. My reasoning is several-fold: to ensure that I bake every week, to make sure that I am with people frequently, and again, because of stagnation. I think that it will also help me improve my writing and my story-telling. I will regulate facts and updates about my life to the state of the blogger address, which I will try to do more of because of the change, just not too many because that is not the point of it all. So, I intend to do the first post in a couple of days, and Snickerdoodles will be involved, so stay tuned!
Monday, July 14, 2014
Not Enough Time or Too Many People
I have been blessed with an abundance of relationships, and I know it. I have great relationships, and even my casual friends I would do anything for. But make no mistake about it, I put the effort in to make these possible, at least the vast majority of them. True, some of these other people put good work into our relationship as well and those are the ones who have ended up the most beautiful at all (and indeed the ones that I am perhaps the most thankful for), but besides for those exceptions, the vast majority or my relationships I have been the one putting the vast majority of work into. Most of the time I do not mind as I make a point in my life to invest in relationships-to be constantly forming new ones, to spend time with my good friends, to talk with those who I am incredibly close with. But over the past maybe eight months there is a realization that I have come to: I do not have the time anymore. I work about 30 hours a week and I do not have the time to invest in relationships as I would like to. Additionally, I have realized how much it takes for the relationships that I do have and so I have invested further into those.
To exemplify this point, I liken it to music-as my music taste has grown, I have expanded the amount of songs that I love, and there are always more songs coming out. Sadly, I do not have time to listen to all of these songs anymore; I have to sacrifice certain songs for a long period and not listen to them. It is not that I have lost my love for these songs, there are just a lot of songs I want to invest in. And people take up far more time than people, and I value people far more than music.
That is how ti goes in relationships. There are some I just have to put on the backburner for a time But the reality is that there does not have to be. I started off saying that I put in most of the work, and that is not to brag or to somehow exemplify myself above people. Frankly, I still do not think that I do that great of a job at investing in relationships and loving those around me. But, there are people who put very little effort into their relationship with me. If they changed that, then our relationship would never go on the back burner because I am so appreciative of when people put time into me, I inevitably put forth effort as well. So, I guess the point of all of this is to say two things:
One, that I am so very thankful for the rich relationships that I have. I am glad that being only 23, I will only get better at understanding how to pursue people more, how to purusepeople better, more efficiently, and how to love people well. But everytime someone tells me that they love me or are thankful for me I am so glad about it, not because I have insecurities such that I need to be told, but because I know that my efforts are paying off. I am so thankful for relationships.
Secondly, its to say that I am sorry. If you are reading this and feel that I have neglected our relationship, then I apologize. Just as with music, it is not that I love you any less, it is simply that I have to spend my time wisely. Pursue me, and you will be pursued in return, that much I can guarantee you. I try to show my love in other ways, weather it be an encouraging text message or a video I make for you, but understand that I love you and this is just the reality. But it does not have to be.
To exemplify this point, I liken it to music-as my music taste has grown, I have expanded the amount of songs that I love, and there are always more songs coming out. Sadly, I do not have time to listen to all of these songs anymore; I have to sacrifice certain songs for a long period and not listen to them. It is not that I have lost my love for these songs, there are just a lot of songs I want to invest in. And people take up far more time than people, and I value people far more than music.
That is how ti goes in relationships. There are some I just have to put on the backburner for a time But the reality is that there does not have to be. I started off saying that I put in most of the work, and that is not to brag or to somehow exemplify myself above people. Frankly, I still do not think that I do that great of a job at investing in relationships and loving those around me. But, there are people who put very little effort into their relationship with me. If they changed that, then our relationship would never go on the back burner because I am so appreciative of when people put time into me, I inevitably put forth effort as well. So, I guess the point of all of this is to say two things:
One, that I am so very thankful for the rich relationships that I have. I am glad that being only 23, I will only get better at understanding how to pursue people more, how to purusepeople better, more efficiently, and how to love people well. But everytime someone tells me that they love me or are thankful for me I am so glad about it, not because I have insecurities such that I need to be told, but because I know that my efforts are paying off. I am so thankful for relationships.
Secondly, its to say that I am sorry. If you are reading this and feel that I have neglected our relationship, then I apologize. Just as with music, it is not that I love you any less, it is simply that I have to spend my time wisely. Pursue me, and you will be pursued in return, that much I can guarantee you. I try to show my love in other ways, weather it be an encouraging text message or a video I make for you, but understand that I love you and this is just the reality. But it does not have to be.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Tragedy(?)
It seems like there is no way that I can have a blog about Isla Vista and not talk about the tragic events that took place a couple of weeks ago. However, I have never been one to say what is popular just because everybody else says it, so let me give a disclaimer-most of what I am about to say is not popular opinion. These are the opinions and understandings of one man, and you can feel free to take them for what you will. That being stated, let me start by saying that what happens sucks. It sucks that seven people died, it sucks that however many more got injured, it sucks that people still living got messed up emotionally or scarred, it all sucks. There is nothing good about what happen, no glass half-full. Also, it is great that this community feels a need to come together for each other and feel unified, that is phenomenal. Also, those that lost people close to them, well that sucks too. And I feel for those people even though I myself have never really had that experience, I can imagine it being incredibly hard. For everyone else though, a question comes to my mind-why are you mourning? If you did not lose someone you know, why realistically are you mourning? I think that the answer, so far as I can tell, is that they feel unsafe now or did not think that 'this' could happen to their little IV. So, I think that what they are really mourning is a destruction of their utopian view of this place. The reality is a city that has riots, bank burnings, frequent armed robberies, rapes, etc. can hardly be called safe. These people feel happy going out and partying on the weekends, as they have every right to, but so far as I can tell, that happiness had given them a false sense of security. The reality, as I heard it so poignantly put a few days ago is that "IV is a happy place, but not an honest place." IV is not safe, just as anywhere is not safe. The reality is that people have evil in their hearts that cause them to do all sorts of evil things-cheat on their wives, rape, slaughter, murder, stab, shoot, yell, scream, berate, etc. This evil will always persist and the only way to stop is to come to Jesus, and even that will not totally eradicate it in this lifetime. I am not advocating for a constant sense of feeling unsafe, but I am advocating for an end to living with your head in the sand, and an end to the amount of violence and sex that the media puts forth. Be it television, movies, music, advertisement, video games, we as a culture continuously stream sex and violence at a high rate into our hearts and the hearts of our children. Until we stop that, we are simply treating symptoms of a disease that continues to persist without treating the disease. We are foolish people really that we do not realize this.
Along with that, all of the agendas that have been furthered through this tragedy, be it gun control, women's rights, mental health awareness, anti-news, etc., they all grossly miss the point. We need to make sure people have good hearts. Until we do that, it matters not what protocol, law, or regulation we put into place; people will find a way around it. Do not get me wrong, I am not blaming media for what happened, but let's please get this straight, media and what we allow into our hearts plays a major role into who we are, that is the bottom line.
Which brings me to my next point; the blame entirely rests on Elliot Rodgers and he is exactly where he deserves to be. Actually, he is exactly where we all deserve to be. Like I said, we all have evil in our hearts, and we should all be paying for it, if not for a King who decided to die. I have advocated for much of this year not condemning people and characterizing them for what they do. I would be a hypocrite if I started with Rodgers. Granted, what he did was especially heinous, but had he lived and had I met him, I would treat him like a human. We are all broken, sinful, messed-up people, and it is by God's grace that more of us do not succumb to our evil urges. I was born into a better a situation than Rodgers and with people who love and support me. he did not have that luxury, so I cannot completely demonize him. However, that does not abscond him of the responsibility. It rests solely on his shoulders.
I have something to say about many of the people, current students and alumni, who have been talking about 'solidarity' and 'Isla Vista overcoming together.' I understand the desire to want to partner with those hurting, but honestly, many of these people have spoken to me about just how much they hate Isla Vista. They think that it is a terrible place and are or were sick of it. They have every right to mourn, but they should not do so without feeling hypocritical. These people do not care about IV, and when the remnants of this tragedy have blown over, they will return to not caring. They will not pray more, they will not care to care more until the next time IV makes CNN. Until then, they will continue to turn up their noses at it. I know, they have told me as much, and it is a common sentiment. The people that I feel have the greatest right to speak on solidarity and oneness are those who have invested much into the community. Those are the people that I thank and respect because it is a difficult community to invest a lot in, I know firsthand.
Finally, (lest this reach a length that is unreadable) I will give one urging to the people of Isla Vista and the
community as a whole: move-on. What happens sucked, like I said, but you do not move past by dwelling on what happened. You move forward by making new memories, forging new relationships, creating new bonds, laughing until your gut hurts, experiencing new hugs, kisses, hand-shakes, watching The Office together late at night, getting Freebirds because you are up until 4 studying for your Bio midterm. Basically, continue to live. It is ok to take time to mourn, but once you have mourned, you need to move on.
Again, these are just the opinions of one man, and insignificant opinions at that. Take what you will and trash what you will. I just ask that you read this with an open mind. If you do that and you sincerely disagree me with, great.
~Good Luck and Good Eats
Along with that, all of the agendas that have been furthered through this tragedy, be it gun control, women's rights, mental health awareness, anti-news, etc., they all grossly miss the point. We need to make sure people have good hearts. Until we do that, it matters not what protocol, law, or regulation we put into place; people will find a way around it. Do not get me wrong, I am not blaming media for what happened, but let's please get this straight, media and what we allow into our hearts plays a major role into who we are, that is the bottom line.
Which brings me to my next point; the blame entirely rests on Elliot Rodgers and he is exactly where he deserves to be. Actually, he is exactly where we all deserve to be. Like I said, we all have evil in our hearts, and we should all be paying for it, if not for a King who decided to die. I have advocated for much of this year not condemning people and characterizing them for what they do. I would be a hypocrite if I started with Rodgers. Granted, what he did was especially heinous, but had he lived and had I met him, I would treat him like a human. We are all broken, sinful, messed-up people, and it is by God's grace that more of us do not succumb to our evil urges. I was born into a better a situation than Rodgers and with people who love and support me. he did not have that luxury, so I cannot completely demonize him. However, that does not abscond him of the responsibility. It rests solely on his shoulders.
I have something to say about many of the people, current students and alumni, who have been talking about 'solidarity' and 'Isla Vista overcoming together.' I understand the desire to want to partner with those hurting, but honestly, many of these people have spoken to me about just how much they hate Isla Vista. They think that it is a terrible place and are or were sick of it. They have every right to mourn, but they should not do so without feeling hypocritical. These people do not care about IV, and when the remnants of this tragedy have blown over, they will return to not caring. They will not pray more, they will not care to care more until the next time IV makes CNN. Until then, they will continue to turn up their noses at it. I know, they have told me as much, and it is a common sentiment. The people that I feel have the greatest right to speak on solidarity and oneness are those who have invested much into the community. Those are the people that I thank and respect because it is a difficult community to invest a lot in, I know firsthand.
Finally, (lest this reach a length that is unreadable) I will give one urging to the people of Isla Vista and the
community as a whole: move-on. What happens sucked, like I said, but you do not move past by dwelling on what happened. You move forward by making new memories, forging new relationships, creating new bonds, laughing until your gut hurts, experiencing new hugs, kisses, hand-shakes, watching The Office together late at night, getting Freebirds because you are up until 4 studying for your Bio midterm. Basically, continue to live. It is ok to take time to mourn, but once you have mourned, you need to move on.
Again, these are just the opinions of one man, and insignificant opinions at that. Take what you will and trash what you will. I just ask that you read this with an open mind. If you do that and you sincerely disagree me with, great.
~Good Luck and Good Eats
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Graduating...Ed Gonzales
I know several people who are set to graduate in about a month. I would be remiss if I did not take some time to talk about what they mean to me. I have been so impacted by these kids, and I feel that it is high time to tell them. This post is about Ed Gonzales.
Ed, you are a light. Your laugh brings so much joy to me and I enjoy making you laugh so much. I also enjoy that I enjoy it and am good at it, if that makes sense. I have always enjoyed your willingness to be and to hang out, and it would not be an incorrect description to say that you have gifted me with your presence. I do not mean to seem dramatic, but I have always felt like you have such a stabilizing presence in my life. I have been able to be present with you, and that is a gift that you have given to me. It is has been a joy to see you in bible study every week and to see your faithfulness and growth that has come from it. God is turning you into a great man, and I have seen that already from you. I encourage you to continue to press into God and let Him transform you; do not let others, but let Him. I think that you are also a really trustworthy person, Ed. People feel safe with you and I think that that will increasingly come in handy in your life. One of the coolest things this year is literally getting to see you seniors grow up and that has been so true in you as well. You have brought me so much Joy Ed, and are a no-nonsense type of friend. I think that I do not even fully value you, but I do appreciate you.
Ed, thank you for what you have done in my life. Thank you for always being available for me and pursing me in the ways that I needed it. Thank you for being faithful in bible study this year, and thankful for your faithfulness in your commitment to Christ. It will only get harder, but your reward will be great, my friend.
Ed, you are a light. Your laugh brings so much joy to me and I enjoy making you laugh so much. I also enjoy that I enjoy it and am good at it, if that makes sense. I have always enjoyed your willingness to be and to hang out, and it would not be an incorrect description to say that you have gifted me with your presence. I do not mean to seem dramatic, but I have always felt like you have such a stabilizing presence in my life. I have been able to be present with you, and that is a gift that you have given to me. It is has been a joy to see you in bible study every week and to see your faithfulness and growth that has come from it. God is turning you into a great man, and I have seen that already from you. I encourage you to continue to press into God and let Him transform you; do not let others, but let Him. I think that you are also a really trustworthy person, Ed. People feel safe with you and I think that that will increasingly come in handy in your life. One of the coolest things this year is literally getting to see you seniors grow up and that has been so true in you as well. You have brought me so much Joy Ed, and are a no-nonsense type of friend. I think that I do not even fully value you, but I do appreciate you.
Ed, thank you for what you have done in my life. Thank you for always being available for me and pursing me in the ways that I needed it. Thank you for being faithful in bible study this year, and thankful for your faithfulness in your commitment to Christ. It will only get harder, but your reward will be great, my friend.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Graduating...Freddy Hicks
I know several people who are set to graduate in about a month. I would be remiss if I did not take some time to talk about what they mean to me. I have been so impacted by these kids, and I feel that it is high time to tell them. I am cheating for this post because it is about a senior who is not actually graduating yet.
Freddy, you are one of the good ones. Your time in college has not been one of the easiest, and you have grown accordingly. In all honesty, I am so proud of the man that you are and are becoming. I still remember your first bible study with Hiney and me, and how hard it was to get you to commit since then. Now, you are such a skeptic in the best way, and you understand well the importance of getting time with Jesus first and making sure to let Him sanctify you. You want to do right by God first and I appreciate that. I am proud of your persistence that, despite not being handed things right off, you have had to work to see things accomplished. That work has produced a mighty character within you. One of the ways that you have blessed me the most is that you have pursued me this year. It has been a year and you have frequently texted me just saying that you want to hang out and people do not really do that much with me. You have always been available and this year most notably you have been intentional. God has grown our hearts together and I am thankful that He has and that there are parts of me I see in you that I am really thankful about. You are a man of integrity and a man who seeks to bring others together and helps people feel like they are accepted and loved. Freddy, you are someone that I can trust others with and I would not hesitate to have you lead any number of things. I encourage you to continue despite things often getting difficult, because your reward is unseen.
I love you, Freddy.
Freddy, you are one of the good ones. Your time in college has not been one of the easiest, and you have grown accordingly. In all honesty, I am so proud of the man that you are and are becoming. I still remember your first bible study with Hiney and me, and how hard it was to get you to commit since then. Now, you are such a skeptic in the best way, and you understand well the importance of getting time with Jesus first and making sure to let Him sanctify you. You want to do right by God first and I appreciate that. I am proud of your persistence that, despite not being handed things right off, you have had to work to see things accomplished. That work has produced a mighty character within you. One of the ways that you have blessed me the most is that you have pursued me this year. It has been a year and you have frequently texted me just saying that you want to hang out and people do not really do that much with me. You have always been available and this year most notably you have been intentional. God has grown our hearts together and I am thankful that He has and that there are parts of me I see in you that I am really thankful about. You are a man of integrity and a man who seeks to bring others together and helps people feel like they are accepted and loved. Freddy, you are someone that I can trust others with and I would not hesitate to have you lead any number of things. I encourage you to continue despite things often getting difficult, because your reward is unseen.
I love you, Freddy.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Graduating...Paul Miyake
I know several people who are set to graduate in about a month. I would be remiss if I did not take some time to talk about what they mean to me. I have been so impacted by these kids, and I feel that it is high time to tell them. This post is a man that I have become close with this year-Paul Miyake.
Paul, your growth throughout college has been stark and the only explanation is that there is a true, real God who loves you and is sanctifying you towards righteousness. I remember on a walk last year that you made a comment about how it was difficult for you to open up to people, and I could have attested to that. However, this year you have grown to the point that you are very transparent with others and it has increased your ability to lead others 100-fold. You have been such a leader to so many people this year, and not just younger people, but your peers and even to me as well. I cannot tell you how much you have grown, but it is so much. I have leaned on you more than you know this year and I appreciate your willingness to oblige me and even stick with me and allow me to be open with you about my weaknesses without fear. You have encouraged me so much without words in being in my bible study just in the way I have seen that lightbulb go off in your head as the evidence of you pondering things for the first time is displayed on your face. Additionally, I have been so thankful for the number of times that we have broken bread together over the last couple of years, and this year especially, you have taken time out of your schedule to sit with me and listen to me, and that has had such a profound impact on me this year at times when I have needed it most. You have given me a much-needed outlet for thinking through the good stimuli in my life. It is not just about in-taking good stimuli for me, but also having someone there to think through that with me, and you have obliged me in that. I have readily said that this year, though my heart has not always been in a good place, if someone needed someone to pour into them, you were someone that I would quickly point them to. I say that because I have seen Christ in you this year, in the way that you have poured into relationships, in the way that God has broken your heart for parts of the world that do not have as much access to him, the way that you have become more passionate about the Kingdom of God. I am upfront about my oft-apathetic heart, but your friendship has diminished that apathy in the slightest and I am thankful for that.
Paul, when I think of you, I think of the word Rock. You have become a consistent Rock, one of the most fundamental people around. People will for the rest of your life come to with struggles, weaknesses, because they need an ear, and just because you are available, and I am sure that it is a compliment of the highest order when I tell you that I think that that is an evidence of Jesus within you. Continue to pursue Him, my friend, because your doing so has kept me afloat this year. I love you, Paul.
Paul, your growth throughout college has been stark and the only explanation is that there is a true, real God who loves you and is sanctifying you towards righteousness. I remember on a walk last year that you made a comment about how it was difficult for you to open up to people, and I could have attested to that. However, this year you have grown to the point that you are very transparent with others and it has increased your ability to lead others 100-fold. You have been such a leader to so many people this year, and not just younger people, but your peers and even to me as well. I cannot tell you how much you have grown, but it is so much. I have leaned on you more than you know this year and I appreciate your willingness to oblige me and even stick with me and allow me to be open with you about my weaknesses without fear. You have encouraged me so much without words in being in my bible study just in the way I have seen that lightbulb go off in your head as the evidence of you pondering things for the first time is displayed on your face. Additionally, I have been so thankful for the number of times that we have broken bread together over the last couple of years, and this year especially, you have taken time out of your schedule to sit with me and listen to me, and that has had such a profound impact on me this year at times when I have needed it most. You have given me a much-needed outlet for thinking through the good stimuli in my life. It is not just about in-taking good stimuli for me, but also having someone there to think through that with me, and you have obliged me in that. I have readily said that this year, though my heart has not always been in a good place, if someone needed someone to pour into them, you were someone that I would quickly point them to. I say that because I have seen Christ in you this year, in the way that you have poured into relationships, in the way that God has broken your heart for parts of the world that do not have as much access to him, the way that you have become more passionate about the Kingdom of God. I am upfront about my oft-apathetic heart, but your friendship has diminished that apathy in the slightest and I am thankful for that.
Paul, when I think of you, I think of the word Rock. You have become a consistent Rock, one of the most fundamental people around. People will for the rest of your life come to with struggles, weaknesses, because they need an ear, and just because you are available, and I am sure that it is a compliment of the highest order when I tell you that I think that that is an evidence of Jesus within you. Continue to pursue Him, my friend, because your doing so has kept me afloat this year. I love you, Paul.
Graduating...David Haynes
I know several people who are set to graduate in about a month. I would be remiss if I did not take some time to talk about what they mean to me. I have been so impacted by these kids, and I feel that it is high time to tell them. This post is about a man who is so much more than a voice-David Haynes.
David, you have been a constant source of joy to me over the past few years. You have such a diligence about you that I actually wish I had more of. Just seeing you, getting to spend time with and disciple you in how to draw closer to Christ, all the while getting to hang out with you has all contributed to a relationship that I am so thankful for. I have not been a perfect friend or discipler to you and I appreciate the grace that you have shown me in forgiving me of that and forging on. I love your laugh and your diligence in coming to both bible study and being patient in finding a time for discipleship over the past two years. I have seen the growth in you first hand, especially this year and it is so cool to see how vehemently you have pursued relationships this year. You are a man who walks lines so well-the line between Christian community and spending time with non-christians, the line between leader and humble servant, the line between friend and student. You have meant so much to people this year and I have seen you persevere through difficult times, even learning that you will be back here for summer after your fourth year. You are sassy when it is called for, but always loving and you have been a man who owns his weaknesses. You are bashful and I do believe that that is just an extension of your humility. Pride is not a word that I associate with you. Granted, it is a sin that we all struggle with, I see in you a commitment to selflessness and humility that I do not see in many others. It has been amazing as more people have complimented you and told you of the things which I now tell you to see you remain humble. I have completely loved all of the times we have just sat down to a meal together or gone and gotten boba during deltopia. You are also a great listener and I see that in your eyes as well as your reaction.
David, you have been an enormous blessing to me over the past few years, even as those around you have dropped out or burnt out on account of difficulty or increased 'business'. I encourage you to continue to remain humble, even as you pursue righteousness and sanctification. Life will only ever get more difficult and I am excited to see how God grows you to account for the challenge and I know that you are not a man who is going to shy away or back down, and I also encourage you to continue to take joy in the little things that you do. I love you, David.
David, you have been a constant source of joy to me over the past few years. You have such a diligence about you that I actually wish I had more of. Just seeing you, getting to spend time with and disciple you in how to draw closer to Christ, all the while getting to hang out with you has all contributed to a relationship that I am so thankful for. I have not been a perfect friend or discipler to you and I appreciate the grace that you have shown me in forgiving me of that and forging on. I love your laugh and your diligence in coming to both bible study and being patient in finding a time for discipleship over the past two years. I have seen the growth in you first hand, especially this year and it is so cool to see how vehemently you have pursued relationships this year. You are a man who walks lines so well-the line between Christian community and spending time with non-christians, the line between leader and humble servant, the line between friend and student. You have meant so much to people this year and I have seen you persevere through difficult times, even learning that you will be back here for summer after your fourth year. You are sassy when it is called for, but always loving and you have been a man who owns his weaknesses. You are bashful and I do believe that that is just an extension of your humility. Pride is not a word that I associate with you. Granted, it is a sin that we all struggle with, I see in you a commitment to selflessness and humility that I do not see in many others. It has been amazing as more people have complimented you and told you of the things which I now tell you to see you remain humble. I have completely loved all of the times we have just sat down to a meal together or gone and gotten boba during deltopia. You are also a great listener and I see that in your eyes as well as your reaction.
David, you have been an enormous blessing to me over the past few years, even as those around you have dropped out or burnt out on account of difficulty or increased 'business'. I encourage you to continue to remain humble, even as you pursue righteousness and sanctification. Life will only ever get more difficult and I am excited to see how God grows you to account for the challenge and I know that you are not a man who is going to shy away or back down, and I also encourage you to continue to take joy in the little things that you do. I love you, David.
Friday, May 9, 2014
Graduating...Trevor Crown
I know several people who are set to graduate in about a month. I would be remiss if I did not take some time to talk about what they mean to me. I have been so impacted by these kids, and I feel that it is high time to tell them. This post is about a future Gator and current friend, Trevor Crown.
Trevor,I have had the blessing of being friends with you since your freshman year. Since basically the first time that we spent time together we just got along and there has always been such an eclectic mix to our conversations. I have always been glad that I was a guiding force throughout your years at UCSB. You are going to go on to such great and wonderful things and I know that you left your imprint upon me. You once cried while talking about the impact that I had on your life, but truth be told you so deeply impacted me with your humor, your voice, your ability to include me and just what our friendship looked like. It was so nice to have someone that I could be deep or shallow with. It will sure be hard to be here without you next year, my boy. I still remember when you asked me to disciple you and I knew that we would only grow together after that. You have such a good spirit about you, and I encourage you to continue to admit your weaknesses and inadequacies as you have become much better at. I also remember vague answer Trevor and how I had to wear you down and encourage you to answer me directly and truthfully. But most of all I will remember the things that really make you Trevor-the spiritual network, the silly faces you would make toward me in bible study, the subtle ways that you love and care for the people around you, your crazy schedule, the way that you are good at keeping in contact with a large number of people. You are a friendship that I do not intend to lose, and I desire that you continue to change me and give me cause to think about the world differently. You are going to be successful but because of hard work and not because of natural ability, which you have in abundance. I could go on forever, really because the more I write the more beautiful I realize that our relationship actually is. I love you, Trev.
Trevor,I have had the blessing of being friends with you since your freshman year. Since basically the first time that we spent time together we just got along and there has always been such an eclectic mix to our conversations. I have always been glad that I was a guiding force throughout your years at UCSB. You are going to go on to such great and wonderful things and I know that you left your imprint upon me. You once cried while talking about the impact that I had on your life, but truth be told you so deeply impacted me with your humor, your voice, your ability to include me and just what our friendship looked like. It was so nice to have someone that I could be deep or shallow with. It will sure be hard to be here without you next year, my boy. I still remember when you asked me to disciple you and I knew that we would only grow together after that. You have such a good spirit about you, and I encourage you to continue to admit your weaknesses and inadequacies as you have become much better at. I also remember vague answer Trevor and how I had to wear you down and encourage you to answer me directly and truthfully. But most of all I will remember the things that really make you Trevor-the spiritual network, the silly faces you would make toward me in bible study, the subtle ways that you love and care for the people around you, your crazy schedule, the way that you are good at keeping in contact with a large number of people. You are a friendship that I do not intend to lose, and I desire that you continue to change me and give me cause to think about the world differently. You are going to be successful but because of hard work and not because of natural ability, which you have in abundance. I could go on forever, really because the more I write the more beautiful I realize that our relationship actually is. I love you, Trev.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Graduating...Jeff Felker
I know several people who are set to graduate in about a month. I would be remiss if I did not take some time to talk about what they mean to me. I have been so impacted by these kids, and I feel that it is high time to tell them. Starting with the Captain, The Burger Master, Jeff Felker.
Jeff, when I first met you is was at the starbucks' social your freshmen year and you were this young engineer. Since then I have seen you grow so much. You have struggled at times and at times been joyful, but God has steadily grown you. You are a man who has personally blessed me in more ways than I can count and I just want to take some time to thank you, Jeff. You have been a special type of friend to me for a long time, and it is amazing to me how easily people feel accepted and loved by you and the way that you go out of your way to love people is noticeable and worthy of emulation in my view. Your understanding of the gospel and the Kingdom of God has grown so much and you are more and more becoming a man who is unwilling to water down the gospel for anything or anyone and that very much excites me. I think that you will continue to do great even beyond college wherever you end up simply because I saw you rise to every occasion in college. Yes, there were times when you struggled and cried and we simply just had to watch the office because we were both sad, but you have used that and you know that you have used that. In addition to all of this, Jeff, you have always listened to me and been open with me, ever since I have known you. You have not only listened to the advice that I have given you, but just listened when I spoke as well.
Ultimately, I cannot thank you enough, Jeff for the man that you are and I want to tell you that I look up to you so much more than you know and consider you as better than me in so many areas. You are a great man who is great because God has made you great. Continue to pursue Christ even though it is so hard to do, and He will give you the desires of your heart and make those desires for Him. Continue to practice generosity , hospitality, and most importantly Love. I love you, Jeff.
Jeff, when I first met you is was at the starbucks' social your freshmen year and you were this young engineer. Since then I have seen you grow so much. You have struggled at times and at times been joyful, but God has steadily grown you. You are a man who has personally blessed me in more ways than I can count and I just want to take some time to thank you, Jeff. You have been a special type of friend to me for a long time, and it is amazing to me how easily people feel accepted and loved by you and the way that you go out of your way to love people is noticeable and worthy of emulation in my view. Your understanding of the gospel and the Kingdom of God has grown so much and you are more and more becoming a man who is unwilling to water down the gospel for anything or anyone and that very much excites me. I think that you will continue to do great even beyond college wherever you end up simply because I saw you rise to every occasion in college. Yes, there were times when you struggled and cried and we simply just had to watch the office because we were both sad, but you have used that and you know that you have used that. In addition to all of this, Jeff, you have always listened to me and been open with me, ever since I have known you. You have not only listened to the advice that I have given you, but just listened when I spoke as well.
Ultimately, I cannot thank you enough, Jeff for the man that you are and I want to tell you that I look up to you so much more than you know and consider you as better than me in so many areas. You are a great man who is great because God has made you great. Continue to pursue Christ even though it is so hard to do, and He will give you the desires of your heart and make those desires for Him. Continue to practice generosity , hospitality, and most importantly Love. I love you, Jeff.
Friday, May 2, 2014
23
I turn 23 today. I remind of this not to be celebrated, but to increase the ethos of the post that I am about to write and to give myself reason to pause and consider what I have learned over the past 12 months. I have made so many mistakes in that time-too many to count or name, really. But, I am so thankful that I have a King, a Father, who uses my mistakes, though they be many, to make me into that which He has already declared me to be (righteous). So, over the past 12 months, I have learned much, struggled, laughed-hard, thought thoughts that led to more thoughts to the point that I lost track of myself, cooked great food, started two jobs and quit one, and hopefully most of all, loved. So, please allow me take a moment to share what I have learned throughout the past year.
-I understand women less now than ever before. Understand what I mean by that: I mean that I can predict their actions, but only by predicting the most illogical course of undertaking, and to me, that makes no sense.
-God uses all of my mistakes. It is only I who makes them, but God uses each and every one of them, as said above. I reiterate this because if it were not true, I would have wasted so much of my past year.
-I am and will only be in more increasing measure as my life goes on, entirely frustrated with life's trivialities. Small talk, petty disagreements, bad food, complaints, poor stimuli-all of it is very frustrating to me and something that I merely tolerate, or at times outright disregard.
-I live like royalty, especially from the perspective of anyone born before 1950, outside of America. I have access to so much, and from those whom have been given much, much will be expected.
-Living like Jesus is hard, and it requires a lifetime to understand really what that means. It is complicated, yet simple, hard, yet easy, uncomfortable, yet enjoyable, restricting, yet freeing. It is something that requires action, choice, belief, and faith all in one. I have a responsibility to those who are the least.
-I live in a culture that is poisonous because it streams sex and violence to us in large quantities constantly. I and my fellow Americans, especially Californians, are given sex and violence so much that we have become desensitized to the perversion of it all. It is difficult and I desire that God purge me of the evil that media and culture have done to me.
-I think (most) people in general do not value each other really. They take relationships for granted, and I have come to notice even as I sit and toil, trying to develop quality relationships, more often than not people are content to pursue and invest in entirely those people whom it is easiest to do so in.
-Social stigmas are one of the ugliest facets of our culture. We have come up with loaded terms which we use to utterly dehumanize and devalue people. It is quite disgusting to me.
-Money is a merely instrumental good, nothing more. It's alluring offer of security, comfort, and joy is empty and it is only a stepping stone to further develop eternal things.
-Human relationships are of vital importance, but come up short when compared to the importance of a divine romance.
-People will show you that they love you in at times very small, insignificant ways. It is worthwhile to be able to ingest these and understand the intent behind them.
-I have many quality relationships in my life.
-My oft struggle to feel emotions is going to be a much longer and more difficult struggle than I though originally.
-Not having insecurities and living life to its most honest degree will inevitably lead to hurt.
-Everything, all of my motivations, my thoughts, my actions, my words, my desires, my values, if not wrapped up in Jesus, are not worth it. He must guide my thoughts for all good in me comes from Him and all evil within me comes from myself.
And finally,
-I am an extremely broken, imperfect person. I am so far from perfection and I am not the Loving, humble, gentle, passionate, intense, honest, pure, caring, kind, servant that I wish that I was and that I pray that I become. I at times neglect responsibilities or view them ambivalently and I am very aware of my own selfishness and how deep it is. I am so thankful that I have a Father who works these things out of me and forgives me in my weakness. "Lord Jesus, son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."
So, that about sums up the lessons I have taken away from the past 12 months. Do not get me wrong, there are many more, but these will suffice for now. I hope that there is something that sparks your interest here or at least gets you thinking.
~Good Luck and Good Eats
-I understand women less now than ever before. Understand what I mean by that: I mean that I can predict their actions, but only by predicting the most illogical course of undertaking, and to me, that makes no sense.
-God uses all of my mistakes. It is only I who makes them, but God uses each and every one of them, as said above. I reiterate this because if it were not true, I would have wasted so much of my past year.
-I am and will only be in more increasing measure as my life goes on, entirely frustrated with life's trivialities. Small talk, petty disagreements, bad food, complaints, poor stimuli-all of it is very frustrating to me and something that I merely tolerate, or at times outright disregard.
-I live like royalty, especially from the perspective of anyone born before 1950, outside of America. I have access to so much, and from those whom have been given much, much will be expected.
-Living like Jesus is hard, and it requires a lifetime to understand really what that means. It is complicated, yet simple, hard, yet easy, uncomfortable, yet enjoyable, restricting, yet freeing. It is something that requires action, choice, belief, and faith all in one. I have a responsibility to those who are the least.
-I live in a culture that is poisonous because it streams sex and violence to us in large quantities constantly. I and my fellow Americans, especially Californians, are given sex and violence so much that we have become desensitized to the perversion of it all. It is difficult and I desire that God purge me of the evil that media and culture have done to me.
-I think (most) people in general do not value each other really. They take relationships for granted, and I have come to notice even as I sit and toil, trying to develop quality relationships, more often than not people are content to pursue and invest in entirely those people whom it is easiest to do so in.
-Social stigmas are one of the ugliest facets of our culture. We have come up with loaded terms which we use to utterly dehumanize and devalue people. It is quite disgusting to me.
-Money is a merely instrumental good, nothing more. It's alluring offer of security, comfort, and joy is empty and it is only a stepping stone to further develop eternal things.
-Human relationships are of vital importance, but come up short when compared to the importance of a divine romance.
-People will show you that they love you in at times very small, insignificant ways. It is worthwhile to be able to ingest these and understand the intent behind them.
-I have many quality relationships in my life.
-My oft struggle to feel emotions is going to be a much longer and more difficult struggle than I though originally.
-Not having insecurities and living life to its most honest degree will inevitably lead to hurt.
-Everything, all of my motivations, my thoughts, my actions, my words, my desires, my values, if not wrapped up in Jesus, are not worth it. He must guide my thoughts for all good in me comes from Him and all evil within me comes from myself.
And finally,
-I am an extremely broken, imperfect person. I am so far from perfection and I am not the Loving, humble, gentle, passionate, intense, honest, pure, caring, kind, servant that I wish that I was and that I pray that I become. I at times neglect responsibilities or view them ambivalently and I am very aware of my own selfishness and how deep it is. I am so thankful that I have a Father who works these things out of me and forgives me in my weakness. "Lord Jesus, son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."
So, that about sums up the lessons I have taken away from the past 12 months. Do not get me wrong, there are many more, but these will suffice for now. I hope that there is something that sparks your interest here or at least gets you thinking.
~Good Luck and Good Eats
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Not of this World
Not of this World is a popular Christian brand. They make clothing, stickers, etc. The label is actually kind of neat, abbreviated with the letters 'NTW', with the cross on the 't' forming well, a cross. I have never really ruminated too thoroughly on what that phrase means until this week. Twice in the past month have I opened myself up to someone. I am a pretty transparent person and on each of these occasions I let the other person know my view on people, life, God, purpose, etc. The context was different in each situation-one relational and one professional, but the outcome was the same. In both of these situations the other person left abruptly, decided that she did not want anything to do with me or what I was promoting. Without any signs of foul play or distaste, a remarkably abrupt exit occurred to the point that me and others familiar with the story found ourselves asking, 'What?' One of these two people have faith and the other does not. One was attempting to get a job, the other was not, but still the same outcome and the only commonality (at least from what I can tell) was that I revealed who I am to each of these two. It was then, once this backdrop had come down that I was reminded of that phrase, 'Not of this World.'
I suppose, and am realizing more and more that that actually describes me pretty well. People are generally unprepared for who I am and that leaves them with confusion. The reality is that who I am is much different from what this world is, most notably with reference to my values, views on people, wealth, fortune, materials, poverty, riches, relationships, God, purpose, language, and education. I view these things much differently than the world does and I am no longer one to hide that fact (admittedly, I used to be). I have known this but it is only in the past week, across this bizarre backdrop that I realized how much this will affect my life. In relationships, I may have to find someone else not of this world for them to feel compatible with me. I resonate most with those people whom have similar views. Do not get me wrong, this is not a 'woe is me' post-I think that my views are actually better and I do not want to have views compatible with this world. I think the things that God advocates for are far greater, more worthwhile, and ultimately more fulfilling. However, even in small ways I am unique and unlike the world: I sit down in the shower, I keep tea bags in my breast pockets, I have a fascination with midgets. It is just striking, is what I am trying to get across, how different I am from the world around me, and how that will lead certain people to stray and even flee away from me. However, the people that I really want to surround myself with and the people that will build me up are people who will draw near to me because of this. I am not saying that I am better than others, just that my values and views are quite distinct and do not originate from this world. And I could not be happier about that.
Luke 16:15 "And he said to them, “You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God."
I suppose, and am realizing more and more that that actually describes me pretty well. People are generally unprepared for who I am and that leaves them with confusion. The reality is that who I am is much different from what this world is, most notably with reference to my values, views on people, wealth, fortune, materials, poverty, riches, relationships, God, purpose, language, and education. I view these things much differently than the world does and I am no longer one to hide that fact (admittedly, I used to be). I have known this but it is only in the past week, across this bizarre backdrop that I realized how much this will affect my life. In relationships, I may have to find someone else not of this world for them to feel compatible with me. I resonate most with those people whom have similar views. Do not get me wrong, this is not a 'woe is me' post-I think that my views are actually better and I do not want to have views compatible with this world. I think the things that God advocates for are far greater, more worthwhile, and ultimately more fulfilling. However, even in small ways I am unique and unlike the world: I sit down in the shower, I keep tea bags in my breast pockets, I have a fascination with midgets. It is just striking, is what I am trying to get across, how different I am from the world around me, and how that will lead certain people to stray and even flee away from me. However, the people that I really want to surround myself with and the people that will build me up are people who will draw near to me because of this. I am not saying that I am better than others, just that my values and views are quite distinct and do not originate from this world. And I could not be happier about that.
Luke 16:15 "And he said to them, “You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God."
Monday, February 24, 2014
Blessing and Burden
It has been a while since I have written anything on here. This is not because of a lack of interesting thoughts, but actually an overabundance such that I do not know where to start. However, I want to get back into using this to write my thoughts down because I am beginning to see how valuable my thoughts actually are.
Lately I have realized two things about myself; the first is that I am such a blessed man. One of the gifts that God has always given me is the ability to see my blessing more clearly and completely than others, partially because I am able to see my imperfections so astutely as well. I thank God for so many of his blessings-the little things like eyelashes, flushing toilets, and a bed to sleep on, as well as the large things like a job that I thrive in, a wealth of relationships, and the ability to live in beautiful Santa Barbara. All of these things are blessings. The simple fact is that I just have more than other people, and I know it. One of the consequences of realizing just how utterly blessed I am is that I desire to share that blessing, whether it be material, emotional, or just sitting and listening to someone (because the ability to listen and listen well is such a blessing). I no longer think of these blessings as just given for the benefit of me, but in order to spread the kingdom and make disciples as well. But I would implore anybody who does not consider themselves unbelievably blessed to sit down and analyze things like unlimited access to clean drinking water, food whenever it is desired, and good food at that, skin that regenerates when it is injured, a mind that is able to think and process these words. Gosh, what a depth of blessing!
The other thing that I have realized is that I feel so burdened by people. I have has a chance to pursue so many people over the past five years, and I find myself feeling so very burdened by them, but not in a negative way. By burdened I do not mean that this is a burden to me, I mean that I care so deeply about each one of them that I desire to see them and flourish and want to do whatever it takes to ensure that. But there are so many of these little ones. I love them all and it has become overwhelming to try and pray for and love each of them uniquely, intentionally, individually, and consistently. I just cannot do it, though I do try. Thus is my burden. That I long for each of their souls to know their creator and know Him well, and I want each of them to feel love and live their lives with purpose. The person that I can really empathize with is the apostle Paul who from his writings seemed to feel so burdened for all of the churches that he started and the people therein. I get that now. So many of these little ones I have pursued and met and formed relationships with and care about. It is a beautiful burden.
~Good Luck and Good Eats
Lately I have realized two things about myself; the first is that I am such a blessed man. One of the gifts that God has always given me is the ability to see my blessing more clearly and completely than others, partially because I am able to see my imperfections so astutely as well. I thank God for so many of his blessings-the little things like eyelashes, flushing toilets, and a bed to sleep on, as well as the large things like a job that I thrive in, a wealth of relationships, and the ability to live in beautiful Santa Barbara. All of these things are blessings. The simple fact is that I just have more than other people, and I know it. One of the consequences of realizing just how utterly blessed I am is that I desire to share that blessing, whether it be material, emotional, or just sitting and listening to someone (because the ability to listen and listen well is such a blessing). I no longer think of these blessings as just given for the benefit of me, but in order to spread the kingdom and make disciples as well. But I would implore anybody who does not consider themselves unbelievably blessed to sit down and analyze things like unlimited access to clean drinking water, food whenever it is desired, and good food at that, skin that regenerates when it is injured, a mind that is able to think and process these words. Gosh, what a depth of blessing!
The other thing that I have realized is that I feel so burdened by people. I have has a chance to pursue so many people over the past five years, and I find myself feeling so very burdened by them, but not in a negative way. By burdened I do not mean that this is a burden to me, I mean that I care so deeply about each one of them that I desire to see them and flourish and want to do whatever it takes to ensure that. But there are so many of these little ones. I love them all and it has become overwhelming to try and pray for and love each of them uniquely, intentionally, individually, and consistently. I just cannot do it, though I do try. Thus is my burden. That I long for each of their souls to know their creator and know Him well, and I want each of them to feel love and live their lives with purpose. The person that I can really empathize with is the apostle Paul who from his writings seemed to feel so burdened for all of the churches that he started and the people therein. I get that now. So many of these little ones I have pursued and met and formed relationships with and care about. It is a beautiful burden.
~Good Luck and Good Eats
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)