"Thanksgiving enables us to be fully present in each of the moments of our lives and, at the same time, be fully present to the eternity which is crashing into those moments (for those who have eyes to see). We have the ability to resist the culture of despair by bearing witness to life and hope! Cynicism loosens its smugly fearful, icy grip, warmed by winds of thanks."
Am I thankful? This is a question that I have been wrestling with since I started this project. I mean, am I thankful, really? This whole project has depended on my own thankfulness, and I have talked about how I believe that thankfulness as an attitude leads one to act in such a way, so every time I act in a way that is not indicative of thankfulness, I find myself asking, 'Am I really thankful?' Or, I guess, why is the way I act not always consistent with someone who is thankful as an attitude? This question haunts me. The reason that today's meditation is more on my own disposition than really on thankfulness is because I want to be as transparent as possible with where I am at. The reason for that is so that you are better able to traverse what I say and understand with the biases that I am going into this project with. Understand, I wish that my actions were more consistent with my admitted disposition, but sometimes they do not line up. It is something that I am working on; after all, if my thankfulness does not motivate and guide my actions, what is the real point of it?
And that gets to the heart of where this haunting question has lead me to: if it does not motivate, what is the point of thankfulness? It is a nice idea, but just as with anything, it has to affect the type of person you are. It is akin to the word 'sorry'; it sounds nice, and as the recipient I appreciate that you are apologetic, but if you are truly sorrowful, it will affect your actions going forward. The same is true with thankfulness, and I think that actions that line up and back up words and attitudes validate and make genuine thankfulness. So, I do not think that it is a stretch to say that my thankfulness is not fully valid and partially not genuine. I accept that, and again, I am trying to change. I would encourage you, if this exercise at all allows you to better seek thankfulness and if you have more of a desire for it as an attitude, seek genuine thankfulness with actions that validate.
This has been the fourth day meditating on thankfulness.
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