Lesson-a period of learning or teaching.
I always like to reflect whenever I finish a new series since it (reflection) is not really one of my skills. I sit now in the heart of Isla Vista, in a small crepe cafe watching the passer-bys as I drink my coffee, and I do not think that I will find a more appropriate time to reflect than this one. This month has been if nothing else, robust; the two halves seem almost incongruent, and it is remarkable to me that I am not at the very end of it all. This month featured nothing less than my birthday, an illness bout, a wedding, an 8-day in a row work stretch, both the moving-in and the moving-out of housemates, speeding my way through a book on philosophy, much reflection (obviously), and some timely encounters. I have learned several small lessons.
The housemate situation taught me to be much stricter about who I let stay in my house. I am not interested in living with children and that includes people of age who are as immature as children.
Many people commenting on my attitude toward women or on my ability to be patiently single taught me that I need to be even more patient about finding a woman. Similarly to housemates, I am very very strict about who I let into my life, especially in a romantic or relational context, and despite what my flesh may want, I know that difficult patience is the most appropriate action to take at the present time.
Going to another wedding and seeing old friends taught me that I need to keep pursuing people no matter what. It is acceptable for my 'target area' to shrink but not my effort level.
Finding the right book to read has taught me that it is not that I do not like reading, it is that I need to find the right, intellectually or emotionally stimulating material.
Having a bout with illness and feeling pretty out of it for about 5 days taught me that I am actually better than most at operating when somehow impaired (like when sick or tired).
I am sinful and need the grace of an unbelievably generous Savior-King in order to function and lead an effective and purposeful life. He gives me grace in droves, and it astounds me daily. This is not a lesson that is per-say new, but one that I can never afford to lose sight of.
I learned this month (or rather confirmed a long-held suspicion that) my mood, productivity, and desires are partially based on the weather. An interesting phenomenon.
A couple of instances that require more explanation that I feel compelled to currently supply taught me that I really really dislike when I double book myself and thus have to let someone down. A conflicting pair of good things to do at the same time can still be emotionally detrimental.
It is permissible to not smile if you can excel at making people laugh.
I would say that what I dwelt on most this month is the idea of hope. In about a year's time, I know that my life will change I seek a job and location that I feel fulfill me and give me purpose and I am fully aware that that will fundamentally change my life. That is terrifying, but because of the grace of God in my life and throughout my existence, I am filled with hope. A theme throughout my life is that God will take a nerve-wrecking or partially frightening prospect in my life and flip it around, giving me excitement for it. This is no exception and despite the seeming obstacles, I have confidence and peace that my God is so much bigger than obstacles. He gives and takes away and will no doubt continue to do so according to His will and purpose in my life. A continual reminder that my will is imperfect and fundamentally flawed, as is my thinking, is entirely important, as is reminding myself that the will of God for me is perfect and exciting. He has got my back and has proved that over and over again; He is faithful. This is the the hope I cling to about my future and the belief that I hang my hat on. This is the most important lesson (again, more of reconfirmed, which you can claim is cheating, but that is splitting hairs, brother) that I have learned this month.
On the lighter side:
I have very much enjoyed the book Would you Kill the Fat Man because it is essentially a nice refresher on the things that I learned in school but never took the time to delve into. In college if I was assigned it I would have blown it off. Now, I cannot put it down. It is not that I believe that I have gotten smarter, but that I am much more intentional about my intelligence.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Ru-May-Nations: 5
Death: the end of a life of a person or organism.
Death is rattling as anything. There is this oddness with death wherein it seems to simultaneously rattle and unify people. I think that there is something about the permanence of it, the face that the dead person is never going to return, that makes it so jarring. There are many stigmas surrounding death and often people do not even know how to act in general. About a year ago Isla Vista was hit with a tragedy that saw several people die. Allow me to add a disclaimer here-I do not intend to soften or demean what happened; what happened sucks and there is no getting around that. However, I have been thinking lately about what the best way to honor those who died is. We seem to think that simply erecting monuments, holding vigils, and spreading awareness absconds us of responsibility. Death is final, and we should treat it as so. I think that these small instances are, well small. Really, should we not try to do something that has a more lasting impact than simply erecting more monuments, such as doing our best to live well or alleviate suffering in the world. Isla Vista is a place of an incredible amount of excess, that is the simple fact, and people make it their seeming mission to revel in this excess instead of using it to bless or help those less fortunate.
This is something that I have been generally pretty frustrated (borderline disgusted, but because of my own glaring inaction, I hesitate to use that strong of a word) with lately, that people around me chose to revel in excess and lavish luxury when people around the world are suffering so much. The evil of our world manifests itself as sweatshops, underage brothels, homelessness, horrifying religious persecutions, and the like. Some people know this and seek to do something to change the status quo of the world, but although I applaud those few people, they are few and far between. Far more often, people simply ignore the evil around them or do some very minor thing to alleviate some very minor amount of suffering (such as tossing a buck to the homeless man on the quarter) to ease their guilty conscious about the difficulties and evils that they are not doing more about.
These two seemingly unrelated topics become related, at least in my mind, when death produces such a simple and response and one that is not more long-lasting. It is simply disheartening that this is the reality we live, that death produces monuments and long-lasting, on-going suffering produces strikingly less. The question then becomes, how exactly do we get people to care more about the suffering in the world such that not only death but also suffering itself elicits a compassionate response from people. Perhaps I am asking too much, perhaps it is all just wishful thinking, but I wish that death produced more than just a vigil (or at least that a vigil had some inherent value to the external world). Do not get me wrong, I think that giving people an avenue to deal with grief is incredibly important, same with giving people room to mourn, but I just wish we did more while people were still alive. To me, the best way to honor people who are dead, like everybody who has ever died, seems to be to destroy evil, love others, and alleviate suffering, even if that is difficult.
This is something that I am still processing, and I will admit that there are times when I allow the part of myself that simply wants to revel in excess instead of efficaciously caring about those around me, to thrive. It feels great, but it accomplishes nothing beyond the feeling. Celebrating is good, but I think that we have created a god (or at the very least idol) out of celebration and party in our society and we need re-orient ourselves. It is not easy, but simply reveling in excess seems like an entirely selfish way of life. God help us if all that we care about in our lives is ourselves without giving more though to our fellow men. It is more fun pleasurable but exceedingly selfish. Get outside of yourself.
On the lighter side: I just got a box of organic vegetables delivered to my door through one of the many programs in Santa Barbara that offers this service. I am excited.
Death is rattling as anything. There is this oddness with death wherein it seems to simultaneously rattle and unify people. I think that there is something about the permanence of it, the face that the dead person is never going to return, that makes it so jarring. There are many stigmas surrounding death and often people do not even know how to act in general. About a year ago Isla Vista was hit with a tragedy that saw several people die. Allow me to add a disclaimer here-I do not intend to soften or demean what happened; what happened sucks and there is no getting around that. However, I have been thinking lately about what the best way to honor those who died is. We seem to think that simply erecting monuments, holding vigils, and spreading awareness absconds us of responsibility. Death is final, and we should treat it as so. I think that these small instances are, well small. Really, should we not try to do something that has a more lasting impact than simply erecting more monuments, such as doing our best to live well or alleviate suffering in the world. Isla Vista is a place of an incredible amount of excess, that is the simple fact, and people make it their seeming mission to revel in this excess instead of using it to bless or help those less fortunate.
This is something that I have been generally pretty frustrated (borderline disgusted, but because of my own glaring inaction, I hesitate to use that strong of a word) with lately, that people around me chose to revel in excess and lavish luxury when people around the world are suffering so much. The evil of our world manifests itself as sweatshops, underage brothels, homelessness, horrifying religious persecutions, and the like. Some people know this and seek to do something to change the status quo of the world, but although I applaud those few people, they are few and far between. Far more often, people simply ignore the evil around them or do some very minor thing to alleviate some very minor amount of suffering (such as tossing a buck to the homeless man on the quarter) to ease their guilty conscious about the difficulties and evils that they are not doing more about.
These two seemingly unrelated topics become related, at least in my mind, when death produces such a simple and response and one that is not more long-lasting. It is simply disheartening that this is the reality we live, that death produces monuments and long-lasting, on-going suffering produces strikingly less. The question then becomes, how exactly do we get people to care more about the suffering in the world such that not only death but also suffering itself elicits a compassionate response from people. Perhaps I am asking too much, perhaps it is all just wishful thinking, but I wish that death produced more than just a vigil (or at least that a vigil had some inherent value to the external world). Do not get me wrong, I think that giving people an avenue to deal with grief is incredibly important, same with giving people room to mourn, but I just wish we did more while people were still alive. To me, the best way to honor people who are dead, like everybody who has ever died, seems to be to destroy evil, love others, and alleviate suffering, even if that is difficult.
This is something that I am still processing, and I will admit that there are times when I allow the part of myself that simply wants to revel in excess instead of efficaciously caring about those around me, to thrive. It feels great, but it accomplishes nothing beyond the feeling. Celebrating is good, but I think that we have created a god (or at the very least idol) out of celebration and party in our society and we need re-orient ourselves. It is not easy, but simply reveling in excess seems like an entirely selfish way of life. God help us if all that we care about in our lives is ourselves without giving more though to our fellow men. It is more fun pleasurable but exceedingly selfish. Get outside of yourself.
On the lighter side: I just got a box of organic vegetables delivered to my door through one of the many programs in Santa Barbara that offers this service. I am excited.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Ru-May-Nations: 4
Race: a competition between runners, horses, vehicles, boats, etc., to see which is the fastest in covering a set course.
Alternatively, Race: a (somewhat) arbitrary classification of humans for the purpose of discussion and persecution.
Let's get clear about one thing before we get into the meat of it all: racism exists in our society. Now, there are (at least) two different things that one could mean when talking about racism. The first is the attitude of someone's heart such that hate or prejudice exists towards a particular group of people based on nothing more than their skin color. The second is systematic racism that exists such that people of color are born into situations in which there are fewer positive opportunities afforded to them. The latter is not the topic of this post because it is clear that this type of racism is prevalent in our culture and to be very frank, I am not sure what to do about it. I think that the issues (such as less funding for schools in primarily non-white areas, fewer job opportunities for people with 'ethnic-sounding' names, higher interest rates on loans for people of color, etc.) need to be tackled both in the short term and in the long term; simply one of the two will not suffice. These issues and others like them are exceptionally deep-rooted within our society and a simple change in attitude will not be sufficient either; it takes more. These issues must be tackled creatively and systematically and must be given much thought. This is not an excuse meant to excuse myself from responsibility because the reality is that every American has to take some level of responsibility for our society. This is just not the point of this post, perhaps a future one.
The point of this post is to discuss the former type of racism; the attitude of one's heart that causes that person to hate and oppress a specific group of people based on nothing more than the color of their skin. Honestly I think that this type of racism is a rather large cause for the latter type; in other words, if people stopped oppressing others, then systems of oppression could then start to be tackled more easily. And concerning this type of racism, I say this: race is not this issue. This issue lies deeper than that. The issue is that we are willing to hate and oppress other members of our own species. As long as this is the case, then racism, sexism, classism, and many other -isms will exists. Let's be clear about something, if someone is willing to hate another person deep down, then curing racism will only be trying to cure the symptoms and not deal with the disease. (Personally I think that it goes even deeper than hate to sin, and sin must be addressed even before hate, but I digress) As long as hate exists then even if racism is eradicated, there will still be other -isms that will rise up to take its place. Perhaps they will not be apparent at first, but it will happen. Take the example of poverty: simply addressing poverty with systems and politics, while worthwhile and exceptionally beneficial to our society, does not address the root problem which is greed. As long as greed exists, poverty exists regardless of our efforts to eradicate it. Even if you somehow are able to eradicate poverty, it will pop back up unless greed is dealt with at the heart level. The same is true of racism. What I am postulating is not an attempt to undermine or underscore the evils of racism; it is just that: evil. However, my point is that the root issue must be dealt with first or dealing with racism or poverty is a moot point. Notice that I am not saying that dealing with these issues on a personal level is not without its merit and benefit, I believe that it is. However, it is never long-lasting unless heart issues are dealt with. A good heart is vital. This is my plan for dealing with racism: first deal with a heart that is willing to hate people and then racism will begin to take care of itself. There has been more than enough squabbling I think.
On the lighter side: I really appreciate the diversity of laughter that exists within the world, and smiles too for that matter. It is a real joy of mine to be able to make people laugh and smile and something that I get so much joy from. It might seem simplistic, but I am thankful for laughter diversity.
Alternatively, Race: a (somewhat) arbitrary classification of humans for the purpose of discussion and persecution.
Let's get clear about one thing before we get into the meat of it all: racism exists in our society. Now, there are (at least) two different things that one could mean when talking about racism. The first is the attitude of someone's heart such that hate or prejudice exists towards a particular group of people based on nothing more than their skin color. The second is systematic racism that exists such that people of color are born into situations in which there are fewer positive opportunities afforded to them. The latter is not the topic of this post because it is clear that this type of racism is prevalent in our culture and to be very frank, I am not sure what to do about it. I think that the issues (such as less funding for schools in primarily non-white areas, fewer job opportunities for people with 'ethnic-sounding' names, higher interest rates on loans for people of color, etc.) need to be tackled both in the short term and in the long term; simply one of the two will not suffice. These issues and others like them are exceptionally deep-rooted within our society and a simple change in attitude will not be sufficient either; it takes more. These issues must be tackled creatively and systematically and must be given much thought. This is not an excuse meant to excuse myself from responsibility because the reality is that every American has to take some level of responsibility for our society. This is just not the point of this post, perhaps a future one.
The point of this post is to discuss the former type of racism; the attitude of one's heart that causes that person to hate and oppress a specific group of people based on nothing more than the color of their skin. Honestly I think that this type of racism is a rather large cause for the latter type; in other words, if people stopped oppressing others, then systems of oppression could then start to be tackled more easily. And concerning this type of racism, I say this: race is not this issue. This issue lies deeper than that. The issue is that we are willing to hate and oppress other members of our own species. As long as this is the case, then racism, sexism, classism, and many other -isms will exists. Let's be clear about something, if someone is willing to hate another person deep down, then curing racism will only be trying to cure the symptoms and not deal with the disease. (Personally I think that it goes even deeper than hate to sin, and sin must be addressed even before hate, but I digress) As long as hate exists then even if racism is eradicated, there will still be other -isms that will rise up to take its place. Perhaps they will not be apparent at first, but it will happen. Take the example of poverty: simply addressing poverty with systems and politics, while worthwhile and exceptionally beneficial to our society, does not address the root problem which is greed. As long as greed exists, poverty exists regardless of our efforts to eradicate it. Even if you somehow are able to eradicate poverty, it will pop back up unless greed is dealt with at the heart level. The same is true of racism. What I am postulating is not an attempt to undermine or underscore the evils of racism; it is just that: evil. However, my point is that the root issue must be dealt with first or dealing with racism or poverty is a moot point. Notice that I am not saying that dealing with these issues on a personal level is not without its merit and benefit, I believe that it is. However, it is never long-lasting unless heart issues are dealt with. A good heart is vital. This is my plan for dealing with racism: first deal with a heart that is willing to hate people and then racism will begin to take care of itself. There has been more than enough squabbling I think.
On the lighter side: I really appreciate the diversity of laughter that exists within the world, and smiles too for that matter. It is a real joy of mine to be able to make people laugh and smile and something that I get so much joy from. It might seem simplistic, but I am thankful for laughter diversity.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Ru-May-Nations: 3
Forever: for all future time; for always.
Forever is a long time. So long such that I think that humans are unable to grasp the concept of forever. Perhaps we are not, but the reality is that we have made forever a non-word, reducing its meaning to 'a very very long time.' But when it comes to a word like forever, no matter how much time you reduce it to, it defrauds what the word is. Forever analytically means 'an irreducible amount of time.' I think that perhaps if we understood how robust the word 'forever' actually is, it would change the way that we act and think. Very few things are forever; there is certainly an argument that could be made that analytically there can only be one thing that exists that is eternal, akin to infinite.
I believe that what I do on earth echoes into eternity. This means that if I believe that it is truly forever, then that has got to affect the way that I move and live and have my being. In thinking about forever and believing that forever actually exists and that perhaps reality is the only thing that exists that is forever, I want my life, 80-100 years at most, to reflect that. I have to live for something beyond myself and my life because to think about living for just me, it seems inherently selfish. I do not want to be selfish, so I have got to reorient myself to eternity. I have got to reorient myself to the reality of life beyond this brief, blink-and-you-miss-it life.
I guess that what I am trying to get at is something that I have been saying for years; I do not want to strip words of their potency. Forever is a word with great potency and the danger of parabolic speaking is exactly that words lost so much of their potency. I want to behave, being someone who believes in forever, as though 'forever' means forever. That has got to be my prerogative. I do not want to act as though I can settle for 'a very very long time;' that is not the truth. I want to live and live well and live as though my life affects forever. Eighty years seems like too little of an amount of time to waste in the grand scheme of eternity, but possibly not in the grand scheme of 'a very very long time,' and therein lies the danger. Something that has no end is something that we as humans do not even have a reference for; everything ends. It is quite literally incomprehensible simply because our brains do not function in such a way as to be able to understand it.
This is not a matter of 'try harder in your attempt to understand the true definition of this word,' it is instead a matter of acting as if forever is true and real. Time will only tell what the consequences to believing and acting in this manner are.
On the lighter side: I have been enjoying cold brew coffee very much this year and I think that it is the best way to make coffee. Not only does it taste better, but it is lower acidity so it is healthier as well. It takes a tiny bit of foresight, but overall I think that it is worth it and the benefits far outweigh the small cost, especially because you can still get bed coffee anywhere. Cold brew can also make bad coffee tasty!
Forever is a long time. So long such that I think that humans are unable to grasp the concept of forever. Perhaps we are not, but the reality is that we have made forever a non-word, reducing its meaning to 'a very very long time.' But when it comes to a word like forever, no matter how much time you reduce it to, it defrauds what the word is. Forever analytically means 'an irreducible amount of time.' I think that perhaps if we understood how robust the word 'forever' actually is, it would change the way that we act and think. Very few things are forever; there is certainly an argument that could be made that analytically there can only be one thing that exists that is eternal, akin to infinite.
I believe that what I do on earth echoes into eternity. This means that if I believe that it is truly forever, then that has got to affect the way that I move and live and have my being. In thinking about forever and believing that forever actually exists and that perhaps reality is the only thing that exists that is forever, I want my life, 80-100 years at most, to reflect that. I have to live for something beyond myself and my life because to think about living for just me, it seems inherently selfish. I do not want to be selfish, so I have got to reorient myself to eternity. I have got to reorient myself to the reality of life beyond this brief, blink-and-you-miss-it life.
I guess that what I am trying to get at is something that I have been saying for years; I do not want to strip words of their potency. Forever is a word with great potency and the danger of parabolic speaking is exactly that words lost so much of their potency. I want to behave, being someone who believes in forever, as though 'forever' means forever. That has got to be my prerogative. I do not want to act as though I can settle for 'a very very long time;' that is not the truth. I want to live and live well and live as though my life affects forever. Eighty years seems like too little of an amount of time to waste in the grand scheme of eternity, but possibly not in the grand scheme of 'a very very long time,' and therein lies the danger. Something that has no end is something that we as humans do not even have a reference for; everything ends. It is quite literally incomprehensible simply because our brains do not function in such a way as to be able to understand it.
This is not a matter of 'try harder in your attempt to understand the true definition of this word,' it is instead a matter of acting as if forever is true and real. Time will only tell what the consequences to believing and acting in this manner are.
On the lighter side: I have been enjoying cold brew coffee very much this year and I think that it is the best way to make coffee. Not only does it taste better, but it is lower acidity so it is healthier as well. It takes a tiny bit of foresight, but overall I think that it is worth it and the benefits far outweigh the small cost, especially because you can still get bed coffee anywhere. Cold brew can also make bad coffee tasty!
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Ru-May-Nations: 2
Nostalgia: a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.
Hope: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
These are the two sensations that I currently find myself stuck between, past and future. It is strange right now, but I am not very presently focused. Whether or not this is good is an issue that can be addressed and I would be willing to listen to arguments either way, but right now I am trying to find a balance between past and future.
Past: I have always been pretty nostalgic, one going so far as to call me a nostalgia whore, and he was 100 percent correct in his assessment. I yearn not only for previous times of my life, but for previous times period; I am enamored by the 1950s and very much miss the 1990s. This will always be true of me. However, right now I have been ruminating for some time about my college years, especially my senior year and a little before and the people that I was friends with, the sensations that I experienced back then, then hopes that I had, and ultimately the life that I lived. Granted, I am super thankful for the life that I currently lead and I consider myself entirely blessed, but there is a lot of good I used to do and a lot of good people that I was friends with and I miss the presence of those people in my life. Ultimately, there is nothing that I can do about this, but it does not change the emotions and heart strings connected with these people. That there is no changing and it is one of the reasons that I tend to run from my emotions, for fear that the overwhelming feeling that I often get when thinking about people of utterly missing them will come streaming back and there will remain what some people might call 'sadness'. I am not really sure what sadness is, but I think that it is akin to this type of feeling, knowing that there are good people with whom my relationship is not now and may not ever be the same. Consequently, I have allowed my mind some time to gallivant about in the past, seeking memories and orientations that I have long since not been in contact with. Another way that this nostalgia plays into my mind is trying to remember what type of person I was. I am and always do put a huge emphasis on not being selfish and I sometimes wonder if I am being too selfish (see present). I feel that if I allow myself to dwell at least partially in this nostalgia, then it will allow me to take the best parts of who I was and allow them to shine now. Nostalgia has purpose, but even independent of that I have felt it very acutely lately.
Present: I often spend mental energy wondering what type of a person I am being to others and spend a fair amount of time being self-inspective. This can get overwhelming, so the fact that I have been most focused on past and future lately has been a welcome change.
Future: 'What does my future hold?' This is the question that has been bouncing around my head lately. My future beyond next year (June of 2016 to be exact) is nothing more than a giant question mark. I know some very very general things that I want to accomplish or that I value but the context that this takes in my life is a question that does not appear to be readily answered. It is in some sense exciting to be able to go anywhere and do anything, and I have a lot of hope because at the time I will be 25 with so much in front of me and my only really strong, motivating passions are the ones to love God and love others. I can do that in a number of ways and I am not glued to something very specific. However, one thing I do know is that at that time I will quit my job and find something that I am more passionate about. I love that God has given me hope and even excitement over what lies ahead despite it being very unknown and even a tad (and perhaps more than) fearful. What is most frightening about it is that I may not by that time be as good of a man as I would like to be, that I may not be willing to put in the effort that a life that I would like to live takes. But, 'perfect love casts out fear', and what is else is that it takes hope. What my mind has been playing with is the excitement, the possibilities, but the hope is a necessity, the hope must accompany the other sensations to calm and quell the fear. I love this emotion because it really does allow my mind to play quite an enjoyable little game of 'what if?'
Ultimately, these are the two sensations that I have felt myself vacillating between. Both are great sensations (for the record I intentionally use that word over 'emotion'. To me 'sensation' is more of a technical term denoting state of mind or current state of being rather than 'emotion', which I liken as something closer to feeling.) which makes this time of my life a pretty enjoyable one, and as I said, it is a nice change of pace to not fret over the type of person that I am right now. Revisiting past and also visiting future possibilities have been something that I greatly enjoy and that has been healthy. Not really sure if there is anything to glean from this, just more of a state of the blogger.
On the lighter side: I have really been enjoying the x-files. 4+ seasons in and it is a show that seems to be tailor made for me. I have been thoroughly enjoyed the chemistry between Scully and Mulder and although the show follows a pretty predictable format and some episodes are more gruesome than I would like, it does have a dry sense of humor which contributes to the tone of the show and the 90s nostalgia is great as well, from the fashion to the lingo. I am looking forward to marching through the rest of the episodes and seeing how this primary relationship evolves and if the little teases that they have been dropping throughout the show pay off at all.
Hope: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
These are the two sensations that I currently find myself stuck between, past and future. It is strange right now, but I am not very presently focused. Whether or not this is good is an issue that can be addressed and I would be willing to listen to arguments either way, but right now I am trying to find a balance between past and future.
Past: I have always been pretty nostalgic, one going so far as to call me a nostalgia whore, and he was 100 percent correct in his assessment. I yearn not only for previous times of my life, but for previous times period; I am enamored by the 1950s and very much miss the 1990s. This will always be true of me. However, right now I have been ruminating for some time about my college years, especially my senior year and a little before and the people that I was friends with, the sensations that I experienced back then, then hopes that I had, and ultimately the life that I lived. Granted, I am super thankful for the life that I currently lead and I consider myself entirely blessed, but there is a lot of good I used to do and a lot of good people that I was friends with and I miss the presence of those people in my life. Ultimately, there is nothing that I can do about this, but it does not change the emotions and heart strings connected with these people. That there is no changing and it is one of the reasons that I tend to run from my emotions, for fear that the overwhelming feeling that I often get when thinking about people of utterly missing them will come streaming back and there will remain what some people might call 'sadness'. I am not really sure what sadness is, but I think that it is akin to this type of feeling, knowing that there are good people with whom my relationship is not now and may not ever be the same. Consequently, I have allowed my mind some time to gallivant about in the past, seeking memories and orientations that I have long since not been in contact with. Another way that this nostalgia plays into my mind is trying to remember what type of person I was. I am and always do put a huge emphasis on not being selfish and I sometimes wonder if I am being too selfish (see present). I feel that if I allow myself to dwell at least partially in this nostalgia, then it will allow me to take the best parts of who I was and allow them to shine now. Nostalgia has purpose, but even independent of that I have felt it very acutely lately.
Present: I often spend mental energy wondering what type of a person I am being to others and spend a fair amount of time being self-inspective. This can get overwhelming, so the fact that I have been most focused on past and future lately has been a welcome change.
Future: 'What does my future hold?' This is the question that has been bouncing around my head lately. My future beyond next year (June of 2016 to be exact) is nothing more than a giant question mark. I know some very very general things that I want to accomplish or that I value but the context that this takes in my life is a question that does not appear to be readily answered. It is in some sense exciting to be able to go anywhere and do anything, and I have a lot of hope because at the time I will be 25 with so much in front of me and my only really strong, motivating passions are the ones to love God and love others. I can do that in a number of ways and I am not glued to something very specific. However, one thing I do know is that at that time I will quit my job and find something that I am more passionate about. I love that God has given me hope and even excitement over what lies ahead despite it being very unknown and even a tad (and perhaps more than) fearful. What is most frightening about it is that I may not by that time be as good of a man as I would like to be, that I may not be willing to put in the effort that a life that I would like to live takes. But, 'perfect love casts out fear', and what is else is that it takes hope. What my mind has been playing with is the excitement, the possibilities, but the hope is a necessity, the hope must accompany the other sensations to calm and quell the fear. I love this emotion because it really does allow my mind to play quite an enjoyable little game of 'what if?'
Ultimately, these are the two sensations that I have felt myself vacillating between. Both are great sensations (for the record I intentionally use that word over 'emotion'. To me 'sensation' is more of a technical term denoting state of mind or current state of being rather than 'emotion', which I liken as something closer to feeling.) which makes this time of my life a pretty enjoyable one, and as I said, it is a nice change of pace to not fret over the type of person that I am right now. Revisiting past and also visiting future possibilities have been something that I greatly enjoy and that has been healthy. Not really sure if there is anything to glean from this, just more of a state of the blogger.
On the lighter side: I have really been enjoying the x-files. 4+ seasons in and it is a show that seems to be tailor made for me. I have been thoroughly enjoyed the chemistry between Scully and Mulder and although the show follows a pretty predictable format and some episodes are more gruesome than I would like, it does have a dry sense of humor which contributes to the tone of the show and the 90s nostalgia is great as well, from the fashion to the lingo. I am looking forward to marching through the rest of the episodes and seeing how this primary relationship evolves and if the little teases that they have been dropping throughout the show pay off at all.
Monday, May 11, 2015
Ru-May-Nations: 1
Ruminate: to think deeply.
May: the current month. A month which, despite being less than half-way through, has been quite a doozy so far. I think it prudent for me to take some time to post some of my thoughts. This might be a one-time post, I may do more, depends primarily on if my passion changes. Honestly though, I have been looking for a passion that is going to get me back into blogging. Disclaimer before I start-these ruminations are not meant to change anything or even necessarily meant to arrive at some sort of conclusion or destination. They are deep thoughts, maybe about me, maybe about life, or perhaps both.
The beginning of May was my birthday during which several of my housemates and a few close friends took me down to LA to one of my favorite places to eat and just enjoyed the day with me (as well as buying me a brand-new computer on which I now type). It was really a great time and all that I want out of any birthday is just to spend it with people who are close to me, regardless of what we are doing. It did help me to realize how utterly loved I am and, and without it being my intention to sound smug here, rightfully so. I do not think that I am better than anybody, but it is true that in relationships you get out what you put in. Now, if nobody had done anything for me birthday, it would have been of little consequence to me; but the fact that they did something and tried to tailor it to my liking and were very intentional about it, that showed me they care. I have made it my business, crusade even, to show people that I care for them, at least those that I do. I have tried do be above reproach in my relationships and give as much as I can to them. This comes at a sacrifice, but a sacrifice that I am always willing to make. I am willing to pursue and push when others are not in the habit of doing so, to try to love in small ways that I know how to in an attempt to show others that relationships and people are so vitally important. I am starting to drag on, and that is not my intention. I do not at all mean to puff myself up. Only to say that as somebody who often struggles to feel love from others and loved from others, my birthday was entirely refreshing. Now, I am not saying that people do not love me, they always and often do, but to get such a practical helping of that all in one day is like receiving a message with an exclamation point on it.
Relationships are important is what I am trying to say. Put the effort in because it is worth it, not so that you get great gifts on your birthday, but so that the love between you and others is real, tangible, practical, and secure. Do not wait for others to love you, love and love and love and love, and if you do not see others returning, consider putting your efforts elsewhere or think about the worthwhileness of your endeavors. Nevertheless, dive into relationships with all of the energy that you can.
However, I have found this May that the exception to the rule: 'you get out of relationships what you put in' is in long-distance relationships. Most people are pretty terrible at long-distance relationships because humans are out-of-sight, out-of-mind creatures. I again try to be above reproach in this and be actually good at staying in contact with people. If you want to know how this is possible, contact me privately, because there are systems that can be set up. (As an aside, the importance of systems in my life is paramount. I would not be able to do everything that I desire to without systems and the discipline to stick thereto with anything more than fantasized efficiency). It is often frustrating to call and text and call and receive no reply. But my response is to continue because every time a conversation does pop up it is so refreshing. I choose friends carefully and so I want to keep the ones that I may not have the benefit of being in close geographical proximity to, again with much effort and repetition involved. But often in long-distance friendships even if I in everything that I can, I may not get out much if the other person is not giving much. There is always a part of the conversation which transpires as "I have been terrible at keeping in contact with people lately." I have chosen to forgive this, and I assure you, if you are friends with quality people (even if they happen to be quality people who are not good at keeping in contact whether close or far) the effort is worth it.
Let me just summarize by saying this: this post was not meant to pump me up. I am 24 years old now and I do not need to pump myself up on the internet. It would even be foolish to do so because I have not even measured up to my own standard and there is still a lifetime of growth ahead of me in this and I am very aware of my shortcomings. I am not the bees-knees. It is to say that I am very thankful for the plethora of quality relationships that I have been gifted with in my life, but calling them a gift may be misleading to the reader (assuming that there is one besides the author) because they only exist after much effort. You get out what you put in...mostly.
On the lighter side:
I finished Surprised by Joy by C. S. Lewis. I very much enjoyed it. He is a master logician and one of the most thorough and well thought-out thinkers of the past 100 years. It was enthralling to get an insight into the events and mindsets that aided in developing such a mind. His imagination and learnedness was on full-display and I would highly recommend getting the insight into the mind of a master thinker and story-teller, even if you do not believe what he believes.
May: the current month. A month which, despite being less than half-way through, has been quite a doozy so far. I think it prudent for me to take some time to post some of my thoughts. This might be a one-time post, I may do more, depends primarily on if my passion changes. Honestly though, I have been looking for a passion that is going to get me back into blogging. Disclaimer before I start-these ruminations are not meant to change anything or even necessarily meant to arrive at some sort of conclusion or destination. They are deep thoughts, maybe about me, maybe about life, or perhaps both.
The beginning of May was my birthday during which several of my housemates and a few close friends took me down to LA to one of my favorite places to eat and just enjoyed the day with me (as well as buying me a brand-new computer on which I now type). It was really a great time and all that I want out of any birthday is just to spend it with people who are close to me, regardless of what we are doing. It did help me to realize how utterly loved I am and, and without it being my intention to sound smug here, rightfully so. I do not think that I am better than anybody, but it is true that in relationships you get out what you put in. Now, if nobody had done anything for me birthday, it would have been of little consequence to me; but the fact that they did something and tried to tailor it to my liking and were very intentional about it, that showed me they care. I have made it my business, crusade even, to show people that I care for them, at least those that I do. I have tried do be above reproach in my relationships and give as much as I can to them. This comes at a sacrifice, but a sacrifice that I am always willing to make. I am willing to pursue and push when others are not in the habit of doing so, to try to love in small ways that I know how to in an attempt to show others that relationships and people are so vitally important. I am starting to drag on, and that is not my intention. I do not at all mean to puff myself up. Only to say that as somebody who often struggles to feel love from others and loved from others, my birthday was entirely refreshing. Now, I am not saying that people do not love me, they always and often do, but to get such a practical helping of that all in one day is like receiving a message with an exclamation point on it.
Relationships are important is what I am trying to say. Put the effort in because it is worth it, not so that you get great gifts on your birthday, but so that the love between you and others is real, tangible, practical, and secure. Do not wait for others to love you, love and love and love and love, and if you do not see others returning, consider putting your efforts elsewhere or think about the worthwhileness of your endeavors. Nevertheless, dive into relationships with all of the energy that you can.
However, I have found this May that the exception to the rule: 'you get out of relationships what you put in' is in long-distance relationships. Most people are pretty terrible at long-distance relationships because humans are out-of-sight, out-of-mind creatures. I again try to be above reproach in this and be actually good at staying in contact with people. If you want to know how this is possible, contact me privately, because there are systems that can be set up. (As an aside, the importance of systems in my life is paramount. I would not be able to do everything that I desire to without systems and the discipline to stick thereto with anything more than fantasized efficiency). It is often frustrating to call and text and call and receive no reply. But my response is to continue because every time a conversation does pop up it is so refreshing. I choose friends carefully and so I want to keep the ones that I may not have the benefit of being in close geographical proximity to, again with much effort and repetition involved. But often in long-distance friendships even if I in everything that I can, I may not get out much if the other person is not giving much. There is always a part of the conversation which transpires as "I have been terrible at keeping in contact with people lately." I have chosen to forgive this, and I assure you, if you are friends with quality people (even if they happen to be quality people who are not good at keeping in contact whether close or far) the effort is worth it.
Let me just summarize by saying this: this post was not meant to pump me up. I am 24 years old now and I do not need to pump myself up on the internet. It would even be foolish to do so because I have not even measured up to my own standard and there is still a lifetime of growth ahead of me in this and I am very aware of my shortcomings. I am not the bees-knees. It is to say that I am very thankful for the plethora of quality relationships that I have been gifted with in my life, but calling them a gift may be misleading to the reader (assuming that there is one besides the author) because they only exist after much effort. You get out what you put in...mostly.
On the lighter side:
I finished Surprised by Joy by C. S. Lewis. I very much enjoyed it. He is a master logician and one of the most thorough and well thought-out thinkers of the past 100 years. It was enthralling to get an insight into the events and mindsets that aided in developing such a mind. His imagination and learnedness was on full-display and I would highly recommend getting the insight into the mind of a master thinker and story-teller, even if you do not believe what he believes.
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