What now?

The time after Christmas but before New Year's always seemed very strange to me. For a month and half everything about our country-economy, popular culture, music, etc-all builds up to one single day. But it is just a day, 24 hours in length, which passes with the same veracity as any other day. Sure it is a special day, filled with children's joy, large portions of food, and seeing people otherwise we would not, but my point is that it is one day, one day. After those 24 hours pass it seems like the only appropriate response when I wake up the next day on the 25th of December, is to say, "What now?" What do we do now? It seems like our country kind of says that as well. There is still another holiday but a week away, and a month and a half of build-up left in 24 hours. I know that now is when God can do the most work in me, now that the massive distraction of the 25th day of december is gone. Of course, what the day represents is so much deeper than what we make it.
I sometimes wonder what December 26th (or the equivalent because there is almost no certainty that the Christ was actually born on December 25th) was like after the savior was born. That had nine months of build-up, more if you factor in Sarah and all of the angelic visitors. And yet it still passes in just 24 hours. How different were the lives of those two people, who had checked into a manger, were after just 24 hours. I wonder if Mary awoke the next morning to the sound of her Lord crying and thought to herself 'What now?' What would she do-with a baby and yet not even married yet? People would still talk; I think so often the courage of Mary is overlooked, everybody knowing that the baby was born outside of marrige.
The reality is, it is not just 24 hours. The difference for Mary between the two days was that her little child, this world's Redeemer, had come, the long-prophesied, long-awaited day had arrived. Surely she asked herself, 'What now?'
Treats of the week: A berry cobbler for Christmas, mint inception cookies, peanut-butter marshmallow chocolate pudding cookies.
Restaurant of the week: Souplantation. Nothing more needs be said.
~Good Luck and Good Eats and a Merry Christmas.

The Little Things

Although I do not profess to be a hardcore fan, as my masculinity would take quite a hit if I did, I do enjoy a few of Colbie Callait's songs. One of them, entitled "The Little Things" begins with the line, "The little things you do to me, are, taking me over, I want to show you..." Combined with a kind melody the song ends up being exactly that-melodious. This post is not really about the song, I just want to give a little bit of a backdrop. I think that we should take Colbie's advice to heart, and let the little, little things that God does take us over, transform us. We, and as an extension I, tend to pray for God to transform us, we pray and hope for large, grand things in the hopes of seeing and experiencing something actually wonderful. However, although there is nothing wrong with praying big and we should never cease in doing so, we often get lost in looking for the magnificent and fail to see how God uses the mundain to transform us. God often repeats exatly the first lines of Colbie's song in our lives, and uses small, seemingly inconsequential things to make us look more like Him. For instance, a few days ago I got an early Christmas present-a new jacket. A new jacket is really nothing at all, now please do not misunderstand me, I am incredibly thankful for a much needed new jacket, I'm just saying that a new jacket is simply that-a mechanism for keeping me warm. The way that God can use something so simple and eternally insignificant is awestriking. As I wear the new jacket I feel more confident, for seemingly no reason. I have not worn a new jacket in nearly two years, and the wearing of a new one helps me feel more like a leader and have more faith in myself, something that I have beem earnestly, humbly praying for. God has been using so simple an item as a new jacket, to transform my view of myself and answer a much-needed prayer. As well, just by bumping into my dear old friend Yassir, the largest man I have ever known, God encourages me. Simply running into this man encourages me while I am away from home, even though we made no further plans to hang out, simply exchanged phone numbers.
All that I am saying by all of this is to encourage you to continue to keep an eye out for the small things, the "little things" that God uses to do big things inside of us. Yes, God uses big things to change us, but be thankful for the little events that God uses, the tiny little things that appear at first so insignificant, but later reveal their true value, inside of our lives. All of it means one very important, very little yet ever so vast statement of truth: God Loves us more than we could ever fully know.
~Good Luck and Good Eats.

Missing

Something's missing. I guess it would be better said that something is missed, or someplace. I miss IV so much it is absurd. I finally now see so much more that IV, SB, Real Life, these are my home. You don't miss someplace as much as I do IV, or people as much as I do the inhabitants, without having an invested part of your life there. My heart is in IV, and that part of it I miss. Yes, I am on Christmas break, seeing people I have not seen in months, years even. I'm seeing friends and family and God is using that to refresh me in new and vibrant ways. I have been having a good deal of fun on break, and have been able to keep myself busy for at least the fist weekend. However, there is still such a strong part of me that wants so badly to be back there, with my community. I wrote a bit about this in "Christmas Sadness", but that was much more anticipatory. This is experiential. God is using the absence of community to break my heart of it all over and again. It's interesting, I have a theory that God sometimes intentionally takes away our blessings and gifts in order to allow us to stop taking them for granted. I think this current lack of community is doing just that for me. Understand, I am far more invested in my community than most others and my heart is broken for it with great intensity every morning when I wake up , but it is still there, I still take it for granted, as I do with many of Christs' wondrous blessings in my life. It's given me new visions for the community and has me stoked on it all over again. I sincerely Love each and every person in this wonderful community. Again, understand that I do not use words lightly. The word wonderful should not be used casually, and I do not do so. I honestly believe that this community is truly, uniquely wonderful. God has thankfully been building my confidence over break, or perhaps showing me confidence that I did not really know was there. I plan to use this and the way that God is teaching me to view myself as a leader, when I go back to continue to pour into this community in new ways, God willing. Like I said, I do not use words lightly. To miss means something so much deeper than how we think of it. I actually miss the community though. I want it back.
Something is missing.
Restaurant of the Week: Del Taco. Taco Bell's cousin, but better, more quality and cheaper.
~Good Luck and Good Eats.

Thursday Post-Concrete Waves

It's dark out here. I used to be a fisherman so I am well aware of what it is like to be out on the waves at night, with no lights in sight. That life seems so far gone; now I am a 'fisher of men' as the teacher called it. All twelve of us are. I'm not sure where He is now. He told us to get into the boat and go on toward the other side. That was last night; it's now nearly dawn. Walking with Him, following Him, has been so different. I used to be a fisherman, trying to catch fish to sell and feed hundreds. A short time ago He used a few fish to feed thousands. Who is this man? We ask ourselves this daily, curious as to who can do such things.
We have been out on this boat all night, the winds making hard to travel. We are all exhausted from the strength it has taken to steady the boat. All around us is nothing, nothing but darkness and ocean all around, in every direction. Wait, what is that?
"John, what is that?" I motion toward the figure, still quite a ways out, but undoubtedly heading for our boat. Instantly a quiet murmur starts among us twelve, oars and sails dropped in favor of anxious gaze. Some say it is Him, others a ghost, all are terrified. I have never seen someone traverse the waves like they are Roman-paved roads.
We cannot see its face, just its shape. The only noise out here is the battering waves and the frightening whispering of twelve men, trying to undertake a task that goes far beyond our lives. Thomas was first to speak something audible.
"It's a ghost!" His deceleration causes a commotion among us all, none quite sure how to react to the news.
"Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." This voice comes from the figure. The voice is somewhat muffled from the waves around me, but that gentleness is unmistakable. The calmness despite utter darkness and terror can only come from Him. A hush has fallen over us, nobody knows whether or not to believe.
"Lord, if it's you, tell me to come to you on the water." My mouth shapes the words, but this cannot just be my spirit speaking.
"Come," is His one-word response, an invitation to get out of the boat and walk to Him. All of the others' eyes are fixed on me, waiting to see if I have the faith to obey the Teacher. Hands shaking, I grab the edge of the boat, I climb down and onto the water, and miraculously do not sink! I start to walk, cautiously towards Him, not knowing how this is even possible. I take one step, then another, the waves are like concrete. Suddenly, the waves catch my attention, I see them crashing against the boat, and just a few feet shy of the Teacher, I take my eyes off of Him. I start to sink as I feel the icy liquid beginning to traverse my body. I do the only thing I can think of and call to Him.
"Lord, save me!" He grabs my hand, and lifts me out of the water, helping me back to the boat. I don't know what to say, I cannot even look at Him now. Then He speaks.
"You of little faith, why did you doubt?" His words are demanding, yet forgiving. Thought-provoking, yet not condemning. As we climb into the boat the winds die, the others worship Him. I look, not wanting to face the Teacher, or the others. He touches my back. With one touch I feel forgiveness, I know that He will not send me away from this. All I can do is fall on my knees with the others, in tears, and try and hash out some praise, to the only one, who is Worthy.

Christmas Sadness and Weakness, Again

I have a case of Christmas sadness. Not that I am sad about Christmas itself, quite the contrary-this Christmas has much to look forward to for me, what with the NBA starting, Bad Blake Banging on people, all that aside from seeing three brothers and two nieces that I have not seen in a year (since last Christmas break to be exact), and having lots of time to devote to prayer and time spent with my father. All of that leads me to desire Christmas very much to be hear tomorrow. However, the sadness that comes with Christmas, perhaps sadness is not as good of a word as say, anxiousness, comes with leaving this place. Call me crazy, but I love going to school here, living so closely with a loving community, being able to grow, and get a better idea of what it looks like to live out my faith. Whenever there is a break, as I stated when Thanksgiving break came around, I actually end up dreading everyone leaving Santa Barbara. This place is my home, and where I feel God, and have experienced the most growth with Him. I always miss my community so much, and I feel out of place back in the valley-my heart is in the coast lands.
That being said, despite all of my weaknesses, my anxiousness, my impatience, my lack of faith, my ignorance, all of it allows my God to receive more glory, and do so to the utmost. I therefore, find myself currently with a Paulian attitude, thanking God for my weaknesses. Although I do wish they were strengths, I honestly thank God for my weakness, for all of those areas that still beckon me to grow. I realize now that anyway that I can give my savior more glory, even if only in my own eyes, is an area I should be thankful for. I am just so thankful that next quarter features so many unknowns, and I currently find myself like Peter, in the middle of the ocean in a boat, his Lord calling him to step out of it. I have to get out of the boat, excited yet frightened, all the while keeping my focus on the King and not on the waves. When I do this, the waves will become like concrete and I will be able to stand up under them. Until then, God's glory and perfection will fill in all of the little gaps that my weaknesses leave.
IV Peep of the week: The group of people that I was able to scare, accidently, just by moving. The girl ran off screaming, thinking I was a ghost or something.
Restaurant of the week: South Coast Deli (IV). Although I think they are overpriced, if you do get a sandwich, they are quite good. No complaining about the taste here.
Treats of the week: A berry-biscuit cobbler, a peach cobbler, and I think that about rounds out this week's treats.
~Good Luck and Good Eats.

Worship

What do I do when my mouth runs dry,
when the sounds coming out of my mouth commonly called 'words' cease to be sufficient?
What do I do when I am unable to even spit the words of praise out of my mouth?
I stand there, a grown man, overwhelmed by His amazing Love for me,
trying to sing, to scream, to somehow speak the phrases, "How He Loves us", "He is Jealous for me", and all the others that have such power,
when all I can do is just
weep,
bitterly.
Led by the spirit, I find myself shaking,
utterly unable to hold in the intense emotions,
I let it go, weeping, crying, laughing from pure joy,
all at once, when suddenly it hits me,
somehow,
though I feel like I cannot control myself,
though this is a man standing with emotions rushing through his heart,
though those around me probably feel uncomfortable,
though everyone in the room is ringing with praise for Him,
though I am racked with
sin,
He somehow, somehow, looks at me
and smiles.

Nakedness and Sovereignty

Emptiness hit IV this weekend. EMPTINESS. It was a near ghost town. There was actually an echo in Isla Vista, an event so strange. It was nice everyone leaving me, giving me time to reconsider all that I have to be thankful for. However, emptiness was not the only thing to hit IV this weekend. Nakedness did as well. As uncanny as that sounds, I did experience two girls at the IV Co-op, DeShane, simply walk around their apartment, naked. That's naked as in no clothing. You may not think that is anything crazy and you may even be asking yourself what I was doing in their house. Let me explain, it was co-ed. There were other guys there and these two collegiate girls simply did not mind as they galabanted around stark naked. I know people who would have killed to be in that situation. I did not find that, but my mind found it very strange that I was seeing naked people. I almost never see naked bodies except my own and more than anything I just experienced shock. It was just such an event that I am not used to, people being so free with their bodies. It was interesting from an aesthetic point for that reason as well. All in all, it was not a typical saturday night to say the least.
Despite all of that there was a bigger, grander lessen that I learned this weekend. While IV was experiencing all of its loneliness and nakedness God was giving me more confidence and reminding me that He is sovereign. The word itself has striking meaning: having supreme rank, power, or authority.
supreme; preeminent; indisputable: a sovereign right.
greatest in degree; utmost or extreme.
being above all others in character, importance, excellence, etc. I think that I like the last one best, but all of them speak to God's character. He has perfect control over my life for this reason, because God is so sovereign. He always reminds me how much bigger and more powerful He is than my petty problems are worries. That is all that I live on, that is the gospel. This truth is what keeps me going and what gives me peace in a time when I have none, or at least should have none. He always gives me ample reason to give plenty, even when I have nothing.
IV peep(s) of the week: See above.
Restaurant of the week: Ming's Dynasty. Chinese/Mongolian buffet. Too pricy to be consistent, but cannot deny how good it is. Plus I love buffets.
Treats of the week: Chocolate cupcakes with a peppermint buttercream frosting that actually turned out well!
~Good Luck and Good Eats

Finding Myself Thankful

It is Thanksgiving today, a day designed to inspire thankfulness. I am currently writing this from a beach city, unbelievably beautiful weather, uncontrollable joy. How can I possibly express my gratitude? Thanksgiving is a day of introspection, whether you want it to be or not, Thanksgiving means looking inward and determining what you are thankful for. So, that is what I have done, looked inward, deep down to determine what I am most thankful for. There is much that I am thankful for, especially considering what I deserve: nothing, or less than. But I have been given so much more. God's grace simply reigns down on me, all around me. I Love it. I have so much, not Earthly, in that case I do not actually have much. But in The Kingdom, I have been given much: forgiveness, true life, community, a friend, savior, and King. Unfathomable Love and a spirit who lives inside me. I cannot accurately describe how thankful I am for all of it, how thankful I am for and to my God. Especially for people; He has given me so very many people to be thankful for. I guess what I am trying to get at is that I am overwhelmed by the Love of my King, and by how He has showered me with oh so many good things. Celebration, that is a word I would use to describe my attitude. He has given me even just a weekend with no people, to meditate on all of His good and perfect things. Not material things, understand, "a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions", but eternal things, God and people. I am so in Love with God and so thankful to Him. That's what I am feeling today: the gospel working itself out in my heart. I just hope you understand how truly truly blessed you are.
~Good Luck and Good Eats

Understanding What I Teach

For much of this quarter I have been praying to trust in God more. I need it in Isla Vista. It is expensive to live here and classes are not the easiest thing in the world. Plus there is so much pain and sadness that I feel continually weighed down by it all. I think that I have been doing better at trusting God, things previously killing me now bring me peace. Additionally, I have been speaking lately with a friend of mine about how when she teaches on something that is usually what God reminds her throughout the week. Well, this week I taught on faith in discipleship, and I think that now that I have been getting better at trusting God, I need to understand faith more. Faith goes so much deeper than people think it does. There are so many variables in my life right now. Yes, a part of it is trusting in God, but really, I just need faith right now, so much. I need to just put it all in God's hands and have faith that He will take care of it all. I think that a way that we understand things better is when we teach them. Many of my professors get a better understanding of their material when they are able to verbally process it in front of a class. Despite all of the unknowns (future, finances, relationships, bible studies in flux, the future of the movement), I know that Who my faith is in. My identity, in all of its totality, is that I am a child of the living God. Nothing else matters to me anymore, nothing can take that away from me. It costed a lot, but has already been paid for, and I did not have to pay for it. Sometimes it feels like I have to get out of my own life, out of my own skin, away from everything, and then I remember that my savior is always with me, always taking care of me, that it is no longer my shoulders that everything rests on, but His. He brings me peace, He makes my paths straight, it is because of Him that I can even live. Please Father, never leave me. I could never live without You.
Restaurant of the week: Pattaya Thai food. Great tasting food, and not far from IV.
IV peep(s) of the week: This one goes to the two girls strangely doing a fire dance in their front yard this past week. IV never ceases to amaze me.
Treats of the week: Just chocolate, toffee cupcakes with more than a couple frosting mishaps made for someone very special to me.
~Good Luck and Good Eats

Isla Vistan Advice

So, this has been a couple of long weeks. Good, just quite long. I think one of the most notable things that happened took place while I was talking with Pirate and another homeless man. We got, somehow, onto the topic of my future, and Pirate asked me what I plan on doing when I graduate. I told him that I am not really sure and he suggested real estate. I told him that I am not really sure about that, and then the other homeless man mentioned just taking life one day at a time. I think this is a good example of how I live my life. Everyday that I wake up is a new day. I mean, it is a pretty obvious statement, but one that generally most people ignore. I generally do not think very far into the future, nearly at all. I would not want to live that way though, but rather I enjoy far too much the notion that if I have a stomach ache, the next day is a new day. If I do well or poorly on a test, the next day is an entirely new day. No matter what happens, no matter how many regrets life throws at me or how poorly I sleep, tomorrow is still a brand new day. This can sometimes not be as good, like in the cases of days I enjoy so much, but ultimately it is a more refreshing concept than anything else. Tomorrow I plan on making cupcakes with a guy in my bible study I'm very excited for it. I have a slight stomach ache tonight, looking forward to that hopefully dissipating.
I will say that the most intriguing and refreshing part of this way of looking at life is God's grace. God's grace is new and refreshing everyday. Never does my sin linger, never does it stay with me. Never does my hurting and shame and guilt prevail, and God has new plans for me everyday. I am so very much more thankful than God's grace than for anything and everything else. It is everything and nothing else means so much to me as God' grace and loving kindness that renews everyday. I honestly cannot believe it because it definitely seems too good to be true. But, it is not. He renews and restores my soul every morning and I cannot properly describe what that means for me. Thank you, my father.
~Good Luck and Good Eats

Learning Difficulty

This has been a tough quarter for me. I guess tough is a relative term, but relative to my last fall quarter, this has been tough. In almost every aspect this quarter is significantly more difficult than the last; academically, financially, spiritually, socially, all of it is much more difficult this quarter. Even trying to deal with people that I used to Love so much is hard. I've been wondering what to make of it all, what to do with the info that this quarter is so much harder. Last year I grew a lot, as a man, as a child of the king, as an individual, as a human being. However, it was not growth through difficulty, as most people understand as the only kind of growth. Life was easier, I had more time and more energy to devote to what I wanted and overall I feel that there were much fewer worries clogging and clawing my head. This year my absurd financial troubles, combined with spiritual attacks and other such things make that type of growth just impossible. Life is just harder. Period. However, there are other types of growth. A man who experiences the death of his spouse grows in that mourning just as he grows on their honeymoon. This quarter I am still growing, but in a different way, in a way that plays off of the struggles and trials of this quarter. I simply keep reminding myself that it is only a ten week quarter and next quarter is an entirely different animal, but I cannot escape the feeling of being trapped and pinned down by all of these hardships, however hard or soft they may be. I am only surviving by reminding myself of two very simple yet profound truths: that God provides for his children, and that He will still grow me, even in the pain and the difficulty. So yeah, I do wish that this quarter was like the last one, not without its own worries, but simpler, less trying worries, instead of being difficult, but just as with anything it comes down to reminding myself of why I do it all, why I even live. Him, it is about Him. Not about my struggles or hardships which are so easy for Him, but about bringing Him the utmost glory. That I can do no matter the circumstance.
Treats of the week: Fried bananas today, brownies last wednesday.
~Good Luck and Good Eats

Haunted Hangover

Halloween was last weekend. Well, actually it was last Monday, but IV always makes it into a weekend. Plenty of out of towners were here, Freebirds made wayy too much money, and my housemate threw up in his bed. It was smaller than last year, by many accounts not much bigger than a normal Friday night, just less clothing. Afterward, specifically on Tuesday, I was walking home with a friend and Isla Vista was strangely silent. I noted to him how uncanny it was and how it could only be because of the massive halloween hangover that IV must be collectively feeling. An epic weekend come, and gone. And what is IV, the people, the business, the physical place, left with that it has before? Regret maybe, perhaps an enjoyable weekend of memories. I guess that the ultimate answer to the question is simply nothing. An entire weekend that this quarter has been building to in IV is passed and IV is no greater than it was. I think understanding this would be to the great benefit of the people here. They go out every weekend, thirsting for something so much deeper than this place can offer them weekend in, weekend out, trying to fill an infinite void with things that are finite instead of eternal. They are empty, and cannot be filled by what they want, but only by what their souls really long for. Or rather, who their souls really long for. I am thirsty, just like they are, probably more so, panting like a dog tired from catching frisbees, unable to find anything that will fill my thirst. Until I find Him. His blood has satisfied me because it traded places with me. He willingly took my place, up on a cross, bleeding, beaten, bruised, bashed, but all the time, donating to me, His pure, righteousness. I guess this post turned more into a digression on what I wish the lovely, and they are nothing else, people of Isla Vista really truly understood, what I wish that they would just give a chance to at least. IV needs to experience true life, to the fullest.
Restaurant of the Week: Cody's Cafe, on hollister. I was able to get an omlet, with extra pork verde sauce, hashbrowns, and biscuits and gravy for 9 dollars. My kind of meal most definitely.
Treats of the Week: Peanut-butter snickers brownies, pumpkin cream cheese chocolate chip muffins, and some strawberry white chocolate chip cookies.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

Heartache

People say that I have a big heart. One guy even calls me the man with the big heart. Up until now I've always wondered if they're right. Sure, I Love people a lot, but is my heart really big. This year, I have seen confirmation though that my heart is indeed large. This entire quarter my heart has been restless, uneasy. Something has felt wrong but I have been unable to pin it down, down. Tonight while on my way back from an unsuccessful prayer trip to the beach (the tide was too high to actually go down), and I encountered two homeless guys. I Love homeless people, understand, and I have been meeting and hanging with a lot of them so far this year. Usually I talk with them for a bit, maybe give them a few dollars, what I have in my wallet, and carry on with a few words of prayer for them. Tonight's encounter was pretty different. I talked with Q-Tip and his friend for a bit, but I had no money to give them. At one point Q-Tip looked me in the eyes and spoke to me directly about how he knows he is going to die from alcohol poisoning but just does not care. The conversation ended shortly thereafter with them moving to a spot more convenient to panhandle. As I walked away my eyes teared up; I cried out to God asking Him why there are so many people unhappy, in pain, and hurting. My heart absolutely breaks for Q-Tip, it breaks for all the homeless, but it is not just them. Whenever I walk by two people fighting my heart sinks a little bit. All of the pain around me literally seeps into my heart. I have a deep, compassionate heart and all of the pain in this world affects me so deeply. I know that I was built with this heart, these desires to see laughter, joy, peace as opposed to hurt feelings, unhappy thoughts for a reason, but right now all I can feel is all of the unhappiness in this world and how it can go on.
I do not really know where I'm going with this, except to say that now I have seen the negatives of a huge heart. Rather, I've felt it. What's more, I've felt so much guilt over my inability to help this world. I have such a deep compassion and empathy and my desire to help people and make them feel better, but seeing them still hurting, all of it is too much for me to bear. This world is empty, and I can literally feel the sorrow.
This blog is not meant to end happy, there are no treats of the week. The only appropriate is to ask you to pray. I don't really care who your God is, Jesus, Shiva, Zeus, yourself, just pray for all of the sadness and unobtainable pain in this world. If you don't care about it, then do it for me, to ease the pain that was born in this world and parked itself in my heart.

Getting Away

I have not posted in a couple of weeks, because my weeks and weekends have been crazy. I have been out of IV the past couple weekends. My weeks also were quite busy, and I suppose that my head was just in a different place because I feel like my head is finally at peace an in line with the rest of me. Two weekends ago I visited some friends from summer project up in Chico, somewhere I had never been before. It was quite the experience, undoubtedly good to see some friends that I had not seen in a while and experience some of a place that I had never before been to. I also got there and back by taking two busses and a train, and did not ever really feel totally healthy the entire time. I met a crazy Russian and a talkative Afghan at the bus stop. I ate dinner at the sketchiest liquor store because it was close to the bus stop. I saw the Sharks stadium, even though I am not a hockey fan. I took an overnight bus that had a 2am stop at a McDonalds. It was one heck of a weekend that would require an entire post and a half itself, and it was definitely an adventure that took me out of my comfort zone.
Then this last weekend was Real Life's fall retreat up in the hills of Slo at a campground surrounded by God's beauty. It was not that I necessarily had high expectations for the retreat, I just wanted to see God show up big and do His thing, unifying and bonding people together in a way that even the most well-planned professional retreat cannot. He did. I saw a community turned into a family. I saw a man violently vomit black cherry soda and spam. I saw a building full of people in reverent worship of God. I saw a family devoted to cooking us good food. I saw even more friends from my summer. I saw new friendships spring up. Ultimately, this weekend was one that saw a family form and brought people on the outskirts, people hurting and lost, into a family longing to welcome them in.
Yes, these were a couple of crazy weekends, and that does not even speak to how my weeks have been. This time away has taught me many things, and one of the most major things that sticks out to me is how very blessed I am. I have people all over the state who want to see me. I have a community here who loves me and looks to me. I have a life that I actually enjoy, because of the grace of God. He makes all of this possible. He puts my fears to rest. He reminds me that it is about Him and He will take care of little old me. I'm simply a vessel.
IV Peep of the week: I think this one goes to the guy walking to campus with an earbud in each ear and a yo-yo in each hand. Quite the sight.
Treats of the week: I haven't had a ton of time to bake recently, but I did make homemade baked mac and cheese, a couple batches of oreo cheesecake cookies, and banana chocolate chip muffins.
Restaurant of the week: Mo's up in Slo. Delicious bbq with four different types of bbq sauces. It was a sauce boss.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

Swiftness of Change

I've been meaning to write on this for a while, but it has definitely been reinforced to me lately. I have noticed it in abundance lately, how quickly time brings change to things. It happens with many things, almost everything as a matter of fact, and it really just blows me away. It makes the ground more shaky and everything around me seem far less stable. At this time last year I could not tell up from down in a kitchen; now I am considered to know my way around. This time last year I lived with eight other guys; now I live with less than half of that. Two months ago I was in Glendora; three months ago I was in Santa Monica. Soon I will be done with school. All that happens so fast, but even in the little things change comes like a fierce storm. People come and go from jobs like nothing. Businesses pop in and out of Isla Vista like candy canes at Christmas. Even the days themselves seem not to want to stick around for very long. I know it may seem like all of this is obvious or as they say in my area of study, apriori knowable, it is worth stating because of the severity of the truth of it. Last week I had a class that I do not have this week. All of these things just change so quickly.
It all makes me wonder what the solution to it is, what can give life its meaning and purpose again, when change blurs that notion? The answer is a simple, three-letter word: GOD. God's all-loving, never-ending character is so peaceful given it all. His assurance of always being there for me is what I have to hold on to. It gives me peace and rest, and without it the whirlwind of change would seemingly push me to a place I don't want to be. Now I am left with just one sentiment: gladness.
IV Peep of the week: I have to use this as a shout-out to the homeless people that I have been hanging out with in IV: Q-tip, richard, carrie, goofy, and pirate.
Treats of the week: Just a cobbler and a pizookie, not much else but more to come this week.
~Good Luck and Good Eats.

The Necessity of Sincerity

Sorry about the long hiatus. Stuff's been getting done, I've been putting in work. But that's all done now. Isla Vista Chocolate is back and kicking.
I don't totally understand sincerity. I figure if nothing else, at least I acknowledge that I do not totally understand it. If I did I think that I would be less lazy. What I do know is that when it comes to Love, sincerity is a necessity. Romans 12 states that without sincerity love does not exist. Being insincere means that we do not truly love each other, and while I am of the opinion that we truly don't love each other, without sincerity it is undeniable that we don't. It's just something that I've been noticing, that we have to be sincere with one another. We experience love, relationship, and even life so much more fully when we are straight up with one another. When we wear masks and gossip and speak falsely it only causes confusion and pain, but really, life, as with love, must be sincere. Romans 12 knows it, I know it, and you would be better off to know it. And quite frankly, if you are not sincere, at least now with me, I lose much interest in trying hard in our relationship. I really cannot underscore the importance of being sincere. Some call it being blunt, others call it truthful, others just straight up ridicule it. This humble blogger simply calls it being honest, and knows that it is necessary.
Restaurant of the week: Toby's coffee and ice cream. Their normal stuff is not outstanding but their daily deals are impressive. I've seen so far a 25 cent scoop gelato day and a dollar fro-yo day. Good stuff in Expensive IV.
IV peep of the week: This one goes to the guy who came up to my bible study, dumbfounded as to why nobody was making posters. Yeah, I was as confused as you are.
Treats of the week: Double dark chocolate mint cookies, banana peanut-butter chocolate chip muffins, biscuit cobbler. Not too much but a nice mix.
~Good Luck and Good Eats.

Being Back, Being Broke

So, I'm back, or at least so it seems, back to Isla Vista at least. It's slightly weird being back, maybe because I am not currently in school, maybe because I am still adjusting to a new living environment, maybe because I am not sleeping in a bed yet, maybe because my community is not all here yet, maybe just because I've been away for three months. Whatever the reason, IV doesn't totally feel like home yet. That being said, in being back for just about three days I have done things that are very stereotypical for me in IV: baked cookies, hung out with Lindsey, went to RL events. The one thing I haven't done really, is gone to class at all.
The biggest hurdle of being back in IV is that once I paid my September rent, I ran out of money. I have no money and no food until I get my financial aid check at somepoint around the tenth. So, I came on Saturday, and one of the things that God taught this summer in a big way is that he provides as long as we trust in Him. And that is what I have to do right now, there's no other choice that I have, I have no other way to survive, I do not have another option. And so far I have eaten everyday, although I have had no money, God has shown His faithfulness to me and I have eaten, even rather well at times, at least two meals everyday. Not once since I arrived have I had nothing to eat in a day, just as I have throughout my life. That is something so comforting and unbelievably peace-invoking, that God takes care of me always, weather I have very much, or nothing, God still showers me with Love and provision, despite even, of my sin.
Treats of the week: I made last week oatmeal chocolate-chip cookies, inception cookies, and red velvet, double-chocolate cookies. Cookie crazy!
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

If you could go Back...

...would you do it again?" That's the question that I have been contemplating recently. If I could go back and do my summer over differently, would I have? Or, would I have still spent two months of my summer in Santa Monica, skipping out on adventures in SB, baking, and seeing people that I need to see here? These are questions that have been running through my head lately. Truth of the matter I have not been to SB since I left for Santa Monica and I miss it dearly; I cannot wait to get back. It is my home after all and I would love to spend a summer there, something that I am yet to do since starting school. Also, there was so much pressure on me in SM, from a community, from an organization that employed me, from myself. I felt more into God than ever before and yet still, despite it all, I find myself wondering these days, if it was all worth it, if I would trade a summer in the safety of the community that I know to devote two months to God and live in a place that I have never before been.
I think that the answer to all of these questions is that I undoubtedly would have done it the same as before. This summer, although there were many down sides, missing out on things and I think that I cried more those two months than I have in a long time, I felt more accepted than ever before, purely for who I am. I made friends who loved me, just because, out of the depths of their heart. People that I can come to and , I hope, who feel like they can come to me, for anything. I realize though that these people are no different than my family in SB or in Glendora or anywhere in between. The reason that I felt so loved and accepted in SM was because I finally felt accepted by God. I finally understood that I will always be unsatisfied with people, unless I am satisfied with God. Now, more so than ever before, I am.
Treats of the week: I've made a ton since my last post. Inception cookies, chocolate cbbler, peach and nectarine cobbler, blueberry cobbler, banana chocolate chip muffins, peanut-butter brownies. It's been good getting back in the game.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

Pressure

It builds, like the fastest construction team,
It rises, like an ardent soldier through the ranks,
It grows, like an adolescent on a spurt,
It weighs on you, like a blood-stained murder,
It swallows you whole, like The Whale did Jonah,
It saps your joy, like the darkest rain cloud,
It eats at your soul, like a hungry child to dinner,
It comes from out of nowhere, like the most praised football tackler,
It sucks out your lifeforce, like a vacuum made of hate,
It paralyzes you, as if you are Christopher Reeves,
And it,
it,
it,
can only be removed, by a man on a tree.
Then, and only then does
It transform into faith,
transform into righteousness,
melt, like butter on toast,
and only then
Are you free to be
You.

Purpose

Just as I am about to leave the palm motel and begin stage 2 of my summer, a van pulls up and a man and dog get out. I'm wearing my outreach shirt, the one that says, "I found Purpose" because it was the last shirt that I had 'clean'. As I go into the room to get my stuff the young man questions me, "What is your purpose?" I respond quickly, "Jesus. What is your purpose?" "I'm trying to figure that out. That's why I am traveling the state in my van." That was it, the extent of the conversation that I had with the stranger before I piled into a car driving away from SM. While I wish that I had more time to discuss with the man where he can find purpose, I was forced to carry on. It started to get me thinking a lot about purpose however.
What is purpose anyways? I think people would generally, broadly define it as that which makes their life worthwhile, that which gives them meaning. But I find that definition weak because that I do not believe that purpose is that relative. My definition is a lot closer to Aristotle's, that is, performing the chief human function, but enough of philosophy. Let's be real, nothing we do as any real purpose, any real meaning behind it. Nothing that we do really affects anything here. I think purpose more refers to why we do something, the reason or end behind any of our actions. So for instance, the purpose of eating is to stay alive, getting good grades in high school to go to college, etc. Then, the purpose of life is whatever the reason of life or the end goal of our lives is our purpose. But really, the reason of our lives is to glorify or worship. It's what we were created for. We all worship something. My purpose is Jesus, to Love, adore, and worship Him who made me who I am. We can worship God, ourselves, or anything really. Some people worship sex; others, food; others, fame; many, money; a few, God, but the bottom line is that we were created to worship. It's who we are, but more than that, it is what we are. What you worship is your decision, but only one will give you true purpose.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

Thursday Post-Living Water

5 husbands, I have had 5 husbands. It never works out. They always kick me out, call me a dirty sinner and shove me to the curb. I have now taken up residence with a man who is not my husband. I know that it is wrong that we sleep together, but what else can I do? I have no family and nowhere to go, and I feel chained down by all of the negative consequences of my sins, present and past. I know, a lot of the reasons that 5 marriages did not work out was me, I am the only common denominator after all. I considered taking my own life after the fourth one because I just felt so dirty and sinful over the 5 failed marriages, 5 tickets of divorce, each with my name on it, my name, I'm really starting to hate the sound of it.
I am now left getting water from a well for my most recent hus-er suitor. I am not even allowed to go into the temple anymore because I have been so marked with sin. And to my luck, there is a jew at the well, and a man. I should not be talking with him, but I know that i need that water. I walk over to the well cautiously and begin to fill my pale with the water. I was lost in my own thoughts over my sin that when He spoke I almost dropped my jug.
"Will you give me something to drink?" His voice is different than the voices that I am used to. It is gentle, yet firm, inviting. As inviting and calming as His voice was, I already knew my response.
"You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" He has probably heard of my reputation, as hard as I have tried to keep it secret.
"If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water." Living water? That sounds like what I need. I do not fully understand the words that He speaks, but I still crave more of them.
"Sir, you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where will you get this living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his flocks and herds?" This man is different, but that is a lot that He is boasting.
"Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." Everything that this man says makes me crave something deeper than my sorrowful existence, makes me crave life.
"Sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water."
"Go, call your husband and come back." Surely this must be a sarcastic comment. He must have heard something incorrect about my situation and reputation.
"I have no husband."
"You are right to say you have no husband.The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true." He knows me. He knows who I am, and that means that surely He will condemn me like all of the others have, there's no other option; they all do it. He asks me about the Jews and I reply with what I know. He then asks me about the messiah.
"I know that Messiah" (called Christ) "is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us."
"I who you speak to am He." As the last words leave His mouth, it clicks. This is the one that we have been waiting for. No wonder he knows me and shows me more compassion than all of the others. His coming has changed it all. They said that He was coming to free us, and now that I have met Him, I feel free of the chains that hold me down. He has released me, He has set me free.
I have to tell people; you have to tell people.

Feeling Broke(n) and Fragmented

Santa Monica is now in my past, no longer my present. There are quite a few thoughts that come out of that. One is strangely a feeling of fragmentation. I feel like I made such lasting relationships and poured into people so much this summer, that a part of me is now in Arizona, a part in Chico, a part in San Diego, and yet all of me is at the same time sitting here, typing these strange letters. It is undoubtedly a feeling of fragmentation. And yet through it all, my heart is in Santa Barbara and will be. I feel like it is where I belong, at least for the time being. So, I am left with this strange feeling of wanting to be so many places, with so many people, and not knowing where I truly truly deep down want to be at all. I know who I want to be with, as there are maybe ten-twenty people that I wish were with me, in this room right now. There is a part of me with each of those people, definitely, and it has kind of made me forget fully who I am. I would not trade this feeling for anything in the world, but it is a position that requires me to do a great amount of processing, trying to determine who I really am, but through it all one real constant remains: I am a child of God. I'm learning more and more how nothing else really has any significance but it is all just an extension of that.
Another thought that I have been left with is this: is poverty a result of sin? This is a summer that, through a variety of circumstances the breadth of which I do not have the time to fully divulge, I have felt more broke then ever in my life. I started to think about sin and the fall and if poverty is a result of that. A lot is blamed on 'human nature' (whatever that is) these days, more than I think necessary, but I have found myself wondering lately if poverty would still exist if not for sin, or if all destitution is simply a result of human greed and wont of money. Because if it is a result of sin, then people who are poor can logically say that they are broken. Ultimately, what does it matter? The reality of the situation is that my sins have been paid for, period. End of story. I am still broke, financially and I do not see that changing anytime soon, but it does not matter. That is not what is important in life. People are important, God is important, most important as a matter of fact. Money is irrelevant except insofar as I can enhance the eternal things of life. I feel broke, but not broken.
Treats of the week is back! This week made some dessert quesedillas with the amazing Mr. Weber and made some oreo cheesecake cookies as well. It's good to be back in the kitchen, for sure.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

SMSP Thoughts and Learnings

Dear SMSP,
"Thank you so much.
Thank you for teaching me, loving me, rebuking me.
Thank you for revealing to me that I have trouble feeling forgiven;
thank you for revealing to me that there's grace when I fail.
Thank you for coming from all over the country, Virginia, Chicago, Arizona,
Hawaii, to Love me.
Thank you for the relationships that will last and for what those relationships have shown me about others and about myself.
Thank you for growing me,
thank you for showing me
what a lifestyle of evangelism looks like.
Thank you, you 63 students, for becoming a community;
you could have surrendered, given in to the assaults by the enemy,
but you all fought as soldiers,
you fought against attacks, against dreariness and weariness,
and you fought hard and harder at times to build a community of people,
tuned to one the Tuner and so tuned to each other.
There hiccups, there were rough patches and gossip and silliness,
but those all are covered over by just a 6 letters:
Christ.
He covers over it all, all of our mistakes and sinfulness He erases.
His Love covers over our wrongs and makes our community what it is:
a unified, safe, place of growth and evangelism.
So, all I can say to Christ and to all of you is thank you,
for making more bold to proclaim and Love Christ.
You all now have a part in my story and
in my Love."
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

Loving and Kind

"There was a man once,
in a land where there were none others;
He
was Lovingly Kind,
being kind, infused with Love, caring so very much
about his fellow man,
but even more, his fellow
woman.
He
poured so much of himself into people,
treating them not as they deserved,
but as they desired.
He
Loved people so uniquely, so counter-culturally,
and they refused, rejected, refuted
His
constant attempts to Love.
He
continued to Love,
all he knew was how to be Lovingly kind so,
He
kept going, kept on Loving, kept on pouring,
but they refuted, resisted, rejected all the more,
they broke him down until
He
could Love no more.
He
finally relented,
He
finally gave them what they wanted,
gave them hostility.
He
continued to Love only now
He
had a heavy heart."
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

Beauty and Zombies

Zombies are real. That is irrefutable. Not in the eat-your-flesh, mindless type of zombies that so many movies portray, but in the sense that a lot of people walk around purposeless, mindlessly infecting others with their own dreary lives, yes; zombies exist. When you think about it, there are many more people who are zombies then we probably realize. I've been going to coffee shops lately and seen tons of people plugged in, out of tune with the world around them. They are, like almost all zombie portrayals, concentrated on themselves only, focusing primarily on what they can get from all of the other zombies. It may seem like a morose, almost tragic view of human existence, but in this 21st century, communication-friendly world, it is also an accurate one. Gone is the old-world hospitality, gone is going to the neighbors to borrow a cup of sugar, gone is any attempts to help a fellow man, gone is compassion, gone is sympathy. Replacing all of these lovely things: zombies, created by a virtual world, so content to wander purposelessly through the life, devouring other zombies as they strive toward a final goal of apathy and wanderlust.
The goodness however, is that we have a God who can take us from the point of being apathetic, uncaring zombies, and turn us into Loving human beings. This past week I have seen so much beauty: sun rays, coming onto the ocean, illuminating a spot in one of the most beautiful sites I have seen in nature, outside decorations, glistening with the light placed in them by the designers, and kids, playing in a water playground, unaware of their afflictions and the corruptions so replete within their destitute parents. All of it, is beautiful. The reason that such beauty exists is because He has allowed it to. He has taken us, insistent on becoming zombies, with maggots eating away at our flesh, and has made us sons of the Most High. His sacrifice changed this, me, my zombified heart, into a heart transformed, even when I ran to the other zmbies and wanted to be a zombie. And that is beautiful.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

Why I do It

Why do I do it?
Is it for the response, to feel the vibration in my pocket, to feel more Loved and Accepted than I did before?
Why do I do it?
Is it to feel more Loved, feel like I did not start it?
Do I do it because I think that this time it will be different? Do I think that this time they might see me differently?
Why do I do it?
Ultimately is it about feeling different, about looking different?
No, it is not about myself,
it is about the marginalized, the poor, the broken, the beaten down, the weary, those who need it.
Why do I do it?
I do it to make you feel Loved, to make you feel accepted, so that you have a greater understanding of the way that God, your father and heavenly king, sees you.
I do it because I want to put into some sort of words, the immense Love I have for you, the immense impact that you have made
on my life.
I want to do it for you, so that you feel Loved,
by me,
by your Father,
by yourself.
That is why I do it
That is why I encourage.

Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

A Dependency Strip Tease

I must have been getting too independent. Not of people, not of money, but of God. The last 5 days have, from a strictly worldly, not eternal perspective, been one of the worst weeks I have had. God has stripped my dependency on all things that are not Him and His perfection. Before I tell you, reader, all of what has happened, I want to remind you of 2 Corinthians 12. My weakness, according to Paul, is where God's glory shines brightest. He tells us to thank God for our weaknesses, so that God's power and perfection shine through. I want to encourage you also to listen to Beautiful Things by the band Gungor; God can use our messiness to make beautiful things.
That being said, the last 5 days have been a whirlwind. It started Saturday when I went to deposit my paychecks after work and saw that my account was at 313$ Below zero. It was the first time I had ever seen a negative sign in front of my bank account. It freaked me out a little bit, but I thanked God that I was getting paid and deposited the checks and moved on. I will be needing to raise some support, but the bottom line is that any dependency I had in money is gone. I have not felt poorer in my entire life, feeling like I literally have no money and yet trusting in God to do what He always has. That was Saturday evening. Sunday I had nobody to evangelize with based just on circumstances and happenstance. I ended up sitting on a bench and praying for people, but I did feel a little left out as I saw pair after pair walk by. Then I tried to organize a dinner excursion with my dear friend Radford and some others, and failed. Sunday God took away any dependency I had on people. I felt isolated socially because of circumstance and other social attacks. I felt like I had nowhere to go, and that sentiment has carried over somewhat into the week. Monday started off better, until I walked into my room and found a rather large crack across the screen of my laptop. I have no money to fix it and indeed even now I type this on a laptop that has hundreds of dead pixels. Good took away my dependency on anything material, reminding me that my laptop and anything else I have, any reputation, is just a tool to serve Him better. Tuesday was the grand finale. Having all of this in mind, I did what I do to clear my mind, played basketball. Only this time I twisted my good ankle and it swelled to tennis ball sized. Not only did God lastly strip my dependency on even my own body, but also on my own intuition. I couldn't work today even after finding out that I really, desperately need to. I was, and still am, in so much pain, and can do nothing of myself to fix it. Now it is Wednesday, and I am sitting in my room, typing this up, listening to the joy and laughter outside, unable to join in because of the pain, feeling completely stripped, naked, empty. And yet, somehow, strangely, it is a good thing. Right now I understand that there is nothing that I can rely on beyond my God. Money, materials, friends, even my own body will all fall away, they have. Now I am left with the one thing that remains, my God and King, and I trust Him more now that I have perhaps ever before. So, from an earthly perspective, yeah, I've had a pretty terrible week. But from an eternal perspective, I am excited.
In closing I would like to leave you with some lyrics from David Crowder's Light and Shadow song that really exemplifies what I am going feeling right now.
When all seems lost
When we're thrown
and we're tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in the
Shadow of the cross.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

Class Clash and Disconectedness

There is a stark class clash in Santa Monica. I've already talked a little bit about the diversity earlier this summer, but I have realized that it goes so much deeper. Santa Monica is an obvious microcosm for the world, and the class struggles in the world, are easily echoed in Santa Monica. It's hard to get a full picture of because people are stuck in the class that they are already in and do not have the capability to see outside of it. I am merely a visitor to Santa Monica however, and one that likes to observe. I have seen plenty of the lowest class, the homeless, constantly breaking my heart with their stories of despair and sadness. Then comes the poor, working class with all of its many people who take the bus together and work together in their dead-end jobs, vocationally hopeless but sentimentally beautiful. These two classes are both very connected with the other people in their class. I have had fairly extensive experience with both of these types of people: the homeless need each other to survive, to learn where to get food and how; the working class need each other as a reprieve from their fairly humdrum lives. The other two classes do not need each other. The fairly well-off foreign people that frequent my work are well-off and are only staying temporarily anyways, so they have no need of anyone but family, and usually then just spouse. The rich in Santa Monica are a plenty, and their frequency often masks the presence of all of these groups. I saw a bunch of the houses of a lot of these rich people yesterday and I have no idea what you have to do to be able to afford one of these houses, but they were ridiculous. These people are the ones who are so well off that they feel that they do not need each other. They accept families because they feel as if it is the right thing to do. There is an intense disconnectedness between all four group and among the members of each of the groups.
The whole class clash in SM is a good allegory for the clique clash in SMSP. All of the cliques fighting with each other, there is a certain degree of unity within some, but it is difficult to say if the project as a whole is unified or disconnected, just as it is hard to decide for Santa Monica as a city. The class clash is extremely interesting to me as an outsider and an observer whereas the clique clash is less interesting because it actually affects me. Just as SM is a unique microcosm of the world, SMSP is a unique allegory for Santa Monica as a whole, although either of these things are hard to connect in the grand scheme of things. We will see the outcome as Santa Monica Chocolate winds down.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

Real World: Senegal

I hear people described as 'fake' a lot. I used to wonder what that meant; I had a general idea, but there are a lot of words that I only have a general idea about. One of my dear friends, Lindsey, has always talked with me about fake people and about people that irritate him because of how fake they are. I typically agreed with him about a lot of it. A month and a week into Santa Monica Chocolate and I have a greater understanding of what not being real is than I ever have before. People Love to put on a facade. So many people wear masks so big it makes me think I'm at a masquerade. People hide who they really are: they keep inside all of their struggles, their feelings of inadequacy, their emotions, repressed, so afraid of judgement that they would sooner reveal to everyone that which doesn't exist than expose the themselves truly. People have been too hurt by judgments that they are now afraid to be judged. To those people I have one thing to say: get over it. It's true that those who judge you based on your character and act accordingly are ridiculous and often cruel, but that is no reason to be a cruel and go into a shell. It sounds harsh, but right now I am very frustrated with people who do not admit to being broken, people who put on a veil of perfection, covering up all of the judgments and sin that they attribute to other people. And Christians are the worst at it. They have this impression that they cannot be broken, that anytime someone sees what they really think and their real motives they will be destroyed. I think that it is a two-way street: stop judging and stop covering up; be real, be open. One cannot happen without the other.
I went sharing with a guy from Senegal yesterday. I was with my friend Alexa, and we just wanted to talk with Josheph. He was an extremely interesting guy: the son of an Imam, twelve siblings, could sing in four languages and do so beautifully, loved religion, was stoked on the very idea of freedom, and just enjoyed our company. He was real. Their was no facade no idea of being fake within him. He was so thankful to meet us that he was upfront and honest with us just because. He revealed to us some of his thoughts, some of his opinions, some of the injustices he's faced, some of his struggles, and sang us a beautiful African song. He never put up a mask, there was never pressure, on the conversation. It was literally just a chill conversation.
Now I am left to try and reconcile the two: the realness of Joe, from Senegal, and Lindsey and other people who care not about the savior that I so vehemently serve, yet the fakeness of people who serve the same God I do, when these are the people who should. I do not know what the difference accounts for, but I do know that I hope it changes. I hope the people who insist on putting up a front would bring it down and settle with who they are.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

2 Steps Forward, X Steps back

I think that I am in an existential mood. I've been thinking a lot recently, about relationships, both with God and with people. Buty told me a quote once that resonates with me a lot: "Comparison is the thief of joy." I think it is so true and a lot fo the comparisons I make only result in a breakdown of joy. Truth be told, I think I do altogether too much comparing. I do not really know why I've been thinking so much about relationships recently, but I have been. I Love people, undoubtedly so. However, I am also infuriated that people have such short relationship memories. People do not remember pleasant times for very long and thus I am constantly afflicted by the sentiment that I need to serve people in order to be their friends or hang out with people constantly lest they lose interest in me or no longer desire deep friendship. These are some seriously sinful, sinful thoughts, but they plague me pretty constantly.
It has lead me to this view of relationships that is admittedly pretty negative: the notion that it always seems like I am taking two steps forward in relationships only to take 1, 2, or even 3 steps back. Sometimes it seems like I'm going forwards in my friendships, other times I get so frustrated that they are not progressing that it seems like they are stagnating, or worse, going backwards. It is the worst thing in the world for me to think that I constantly have to impress people or serve people in order that people would continue to love me and that I cannot just chill with people, just recline at the table, like Jesus did. These thoughts plague me, and I am trying to rid myself of it, trying to befriend only consistent people who are intent on Loving me, making me feel like I can just relax and that friendships are no pressure situations. I do not want my relationships to regress, but sometimes it seems as if that is the destiny of many of them, and it makes me want to punch a wall.
Project has been great, but it has also been frustrating in that I feel like the friendships I made near the beginning of project, or the ones I strengthened, are now eroding as people are losing interest and moving on to more novel relationships. I do not want to feel like this. I want to feel as though I am Loved, as though these Santa Monica project people Love me simply because Christ did as well. I have trouble seeing that though and now it just has me twisted into a knot in my stomach, thinking that I do not Love people enough to keep friendships going or get into people's lives the way that other people do with each other. More comparison, more joy pressure vacuum. At the same time, I feel as though there are only certain people I can come to with it because it is a somewhat not important struggle. We'll see what happens in the next month, as new friendships appear, and old ones take one new legs. Ultimately I just hope people do not forget where we have been with each other; we have experienced so much growth and only continue to grow. Please God, may I not feel paralyzed.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

Desiring Painful Confidence

I am writing this blog about confidence, but not confidence as you probably are thinking of it. I'm not talking about self-confidence which is what we typically refer to when we say confidence, but rather someone confiding in you, someone coming to you with something that they cannot come to other people with and you becoming their confidant. That is the confidence that I will be talking about in this post, just to preface.
This is the type of confidence that I desire; I desire to be the confidant of all. For some reason, I just want people to feel like they can come to me with any and everything and know that I am here, know that I will not judge, know that I am here to listen and show grace. I desire it to an unhealthy point, to the point even of jealousy, wherein I get jealous when people tell others secrets or struggles. I shouldn't, but I do. It's a strange dichotomy too, because when people tell me their struggles I am such a compassionate person that I get sad for them and my heart breaks for them. So, in a way, I desire a large volume of things that I know will hurt me, make me sad for others, but I want to be sad with them.
This is so evident here on summer project. So many people struggle with little things here and there, and I find myself prodding and poking to be able to find out what. So many people have so much that they need to get off their chests, and I just long to be the one that they share it with, every time. I don't know why, maybe it is a way that I feel Loved. It always comes back to Love. Maybe I just want to get to know people so well and this is a way to feel undoubtedly closer with them. Still trying to process if it is healthy or not, in its totality. For whatever the reason and however detrimental to m well-being the fact remains that I desire this painful confidence with a strong, fierce desire. Let's go hang out.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

Counter-Culture

The 60s and 70s were defined by counter-culture, rebelling against everything that counter says is the right and correct method. They burned down the BofA in IV because they were 'rebelling' against corporations and culture. There was another man who rebelled against culture, and He was killed for it. His name was Jesus, of Nazareth. The way that He loved people was so atypical of the culture in which He lived. People tried to tell Him the way to act and in response He acted in a way that would please his father. It upset people, it did, but He did it anyways, to the point that they killed Him for it.
That is why my goal is to love people counter-culturally. I hate that people's Love, both reception and donation, is defined by culture and anything that is against culture they reject. They way that culture suggests that we Love people is so perverse and ugly and yet we just so willingly give into it. In the words of Voddie Baucham, we have been sold a bill of goods. All of our 'Love' that is within cultural bounds, is not really love at all, but rather a shallow interception of affections we may or may not have for one another. Really, think about it. Culture's perception of love is not real Love at all. So, if we give this, then Loving counter-culturally would mean that Love is real, genuine. If Cultural love is so perverse than there has to be something against which it is measured, and I would postulate that this is biblical Love. I would also postulate that this Love is inside of us, we all have the capacity for Love but the culture has so poisoned us that we have begun to agree with it. It is my commitment to Love people counter-culturally, no matter how much trouble it gets me into, and it does inevitably, just as it has this past week. I urge you to try and do the same.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

Touch

I helped feed homeless people today. I have done it every Sunday, and it is so nice just being able to share with people who have nothing. I think, more than the food though, they appreciate the Love that we give them. I've learned that there are plenty of ways that they can get food, but what they do not traditionally have is touch-genuine, human touch. Homeless people have stigmas of being nasty, dirty, unlovable and consequently they are deprived of human touch in such a way that would make most people go absolutely nuts. What these people are really deprived of, beyond food and shelter and provision, is Love. One of the most basic necessities of humanity is gone from these people, and frankly, I do not know how they manage. One of the easiest ways to exhibit Love is by touch. A hug, a kiss, a handshake, these are rarely felt by homeless people and when I hugged Steve today I got a feeling that is unlike that like when I hug other people. We take hugs for granted. Steve does not.
It got me thinking about touch in general. I once heard a sermon on the importance of touch and to be honest it sticks with me and it has really changed the way that I think about and act towards people. Touch can definitely hurt and be destructive in a relationship, no doubt, especially if handled incorrectly, but the absence of touch can be equally if not more so destructive. A simple thing like a hug, a back rub, a simple pat can be such an indicator of Love, as my Homeless friend Steve wordlessly taught me today. Hugs can make or break a friendship depending on the frequency, I've seen it go both ways, and in Santa Monica, especially on SMSP it seems like the importance of something so simple is not understood very well. Human touch is so fundamental to feeling Loved and sometimes I ask God why I do not feel more Loved. And He gently points me to Steve and the other homeless people that I see on Sundays and hoe astronomically unLoved they most undoubtedly feel.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

God Thinks You're Wonderful

I read a book earlier this week called God thinks you're wonderful, by Max Lucado. It was given to me by a friend, and it was not a complicated book, rather it was a simple book, easy enough for a small child, complete with pictures and simple words. The book itself and the layout was super simple, but the message was profound: God thinks that I (and you) am wonderful. It's something that I already know, in fact God reconfirms it constantly within me, but to read such words and to see it put so plainly yet subtly elegant made it stick with me. I think I never fully understood until now exactly how deeply God feels about me; I still do not. The fact is that God made me and Psalms says that he knit me together inside my mother's womb. He could live anywhere in the universe and yet he chooses my heart. These things stick with me, and I hope they continue to do so because the message is strangely simple yet undeniably profound: God thinks we're wonderful. We've messed up and hurt Him time and again, and yet we are His handiwork, His creation, His beloved children. How absurdly comforting and self-confidence invoking.
Something else: I got a job, at Banana Republic of all places. It seems like every time that I am freaked out about something or have literally no control over something, like job-searching or finals or support raising, God provides and provides and provides. One day I will be longing for closeness and He will be close, but He will also bring by people to be close with. He knows me so well that He knows what I need at all times. I have never really taken a step back to think about how the Creator thinks of me and acts towards me when He is not at all obligated to, but now that I have there is only one sentence that reverberates in my mind: God thinks I'm Wonderful. Also, Santa Monica Summer Project is super fun and growth-spurring and I am having a blast here.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

A Selfish, Lying, Jealous, Murderous, Adulterous, Gluttonous, Thief

It has been a week and half in Santa Monica, and the biggest thing that I have learned is that I am a selfish, lying, jealous, murderous, adulterous, gluttonous, thief. God has shown me so many sins that have been lurking in my life that I did not know existed. I have seen the patches of beautiful flowers that Sin, corruption, and my own treacherous nature have turned into bubbling swamps. The craziest thing about it is that it does not matter. It has no relevance anymore. I may see my sin sometimes, sometimes I see it more than I see what is truly inside of me, Jesus. That is all that matters, the Jesus that is inside of me, transforming the swamps back into gardens. I have been forgiven, even though so often I forget it, and my sins are erased, gone, eliminated, nailed to a cross, crucified, forgotten. All that remains is righteousness. It seems so obvious, so fundamental to everything that I live and believe in, and yet I forget it. It's like Santa Claus forgetting how to drive his sleigh, I utterly forget that my sins have been obliterated by a perfect man being pierced for me. That is the biggest lesson that I have learned: FORGIVENESS. I need to understand it more, I need to feel it more, I need to realize the completeness of the forgiveness and the grace that has been freely given me, wrapped in the blood of an completely innocent man.
Thankfully that is just the beginning, of this journey that I have embarked on. The first, necessarily fundamental first step of my journey, completely understanding that I am totally and unconditionally forgiven of everything. No matter what I have done, all the mistakes made and yet to be made, I am free from the chains that bind me to that. I am constantly bogged down by that sense that I screwed up, constantly confusing conviction with guilt, confusing the righteousness that is inside me, trading it for lentils. Friggin lentils.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody

Frustration and Peeps

I used to think that IV was unique. Then I came to Santa Monica and saw all the different groups virtually vying for control. You have the street performers, trying to make a habit by displaying impressive if sometimes unusual talents, the foreigners, flying in from all over the world to the city of LA, the homeless people, just trying to find a place to lay their heads, the rich, unhappy with all of the aforementioned groups, and then there's us, trying to minister to them all. There are just so so many unique people that contextualizing both ministry and business becomes extremely important. What's more, there are so many different world views and conflicting opinions, it makes for an atmosphere of excitement and diversity, whether it be a man who makes money by putting on a puppet show with a little skeleton puppet, a man from Ireland on his way out, or my next door neighbor.
The frustration comes in that I have once again injured my ankle, but once again seen the kindness of people in reacting to it. They only want to help me, keep me off of it, make sure it heals quickly and expediently. The frustration itself it then two-fold: feeling like I am not able to properly reciprocate that Love back to them, and being temporarily hobbled. I have felt so much Love for these people, and feeling like I am not able to properly or completely give that Love back to them is, admittedly, frustrating. As well, having to stay off of my ankle and simply rest it instead of being able to continue my job search or even go downstairs much is exceptionally frustrating, especially in such a wonderful place as Santa Monica.
The only solace I have in all of this is God: His perfect Love for me is casting all of the fear out of my heart and sanctifying me and I know that He would not have brought me here, to this place, without having a plan for me, and if that plan involves a sore ankle, I am all for it.
Good Luck and Good Eats everyone.
~Cody

Wednesday post-Death of a Son

They killed my son; they hung him on a cross. It happened three days ago, on Friday. They released a killer so they could kill an innocent man. My tears fell through the holes in his feet as the blood from the steaks dripped onto my face. I did not know why they did it, why they let Him die. He did no harm, He healed, He taught, He Loved, and He died. I was there, next to Mary, John, and my dying Son. I remember when He got sick when He was little and I would wipe his nose with my cloak. Now I just wipe his blood with my hair. His body they broke, but His spirit was His to do what He wanted with; He surrendered it freely. I heard Him say, "Father," He said, "To you I commend my spirit." Those were the last precious few words my Son ever said. After all of the teachings, all of the broken lives healed, all of the demon possessed and the sick standing around Him, all that He did in His remarkable life that started when God put Him in my belly, all of it culminated in that one last, lingering sentence. And then Darkness filled the land for the rest of the night.
It feels like it is still here though, the darkness. Just from His passing, a gloom has come over me. It feels like I was crucified with Him, like all of my pain and despair was nailed into the cross with my Son. I feel free, even though it hurts so much. I am now going to visit His grave with Mary, my dear friend who has comforted me so much this intense weekend of mourning. So many have come to my house, telling me it will be better, comforting me in my sharp, striking pain. But none of it helps, none of it eases the pain of His death. I feel so bad; I knew He had to die, for my sins, and I feel selfish for wanting Him back with me, wanting to cook him soup again, and cradle Him when He stubs His toes. Rather than watch as His toes are pierced.
I reach the grave to see the stone rolled away. Mary and I rush in; if they took Him...
He is not here, this is awful. Suddenly, a figure in white appears, sitting on the stone. "Why do you look for the living among the dead? Did you not hear? He is risen!" This changes everything. My sins have been killed, but my Son is alive again. I must run and tell everyone. I must find someone and tell someone, you must tell someone.

The Long Side of the Blanket

I apologize that I have not posted in so long, I have been knee-deep in job applications. Anyways, a side effect of being tall is that in bed I always have to make sure that the blanket is the right way. The short side is across my body, and the long side is down my body. Often I will take a few minutes at night to have to adjust to find the long side of the blanket to be more comfortable. I guess they just have not had the wherewithal to make large, square blankets.
That's what I have been trying to do my first half-week here in Santa Monica, trying to find the metaphorical long side of the blanket. Trying to take something that only kind of fits, and adjust it so that it fits well. I have met so many new people and experienced things for the first time, many things. There's one word that has become indicative of the type of adjusting I have been doing: glee. Glee has softened to the point that it is nothing more than a campy tv show in our society, but it evokes so much more: pure utter joy, exuberance. I have experienced so much joy in being here, even though there is a high degree of uncertainty and much more still to be left done, there is only one emotion that I can possibly say: Glee. I am just so giddy being in Santa Monica, being able to interact with the locals and those that I have met. It has been a crazy half-week so far, filled with lots of new faces, and interesting people. I look forward to the rest of the 7.5 weeks that I have left, and hope that the Glee continues.
Santa Monica Peep of the week: Wayyy to many to count. More to come on that next post.
Good Luck and Good Eats
~Cody