People say that I have a big heart. One guy even calls me the man with the big heart. Up until now I've always wondered if they're right. Sure, I Love people a lot, but is my heart really big. This year, I have seen confirmation though that my heart is indeed large. This entire quarter my heart has been restless, uneasy. Something has felt wrong but I have been unable to pin it down, down. Tonight while on my way back from an unsuccessful prayer trip to the beach (the tide was too high to actually go down), and I encountered two homeless guys. I Love homeless people, understand, and I have been meeting and hanging with a lot of them so far this year. Usually I talk with them for a bit, maybe give them a few dollars, what I have in my wallet, and carry on with a few words of prayer for them. Tonight's encounter was pretty different. I talked with Q-Tip and his friend for a bit, but I had no money to give them. At one point Q-Tip looked me in the eyes and spoke to me directly about how he knows he is going to die from alcohol poisoning but just does not care. The conversation ended shortly thereafter with them moving to a spot more convenient to panhandle. As I walked away my eyes teared up; I cried out to God asking Him why there are so many people unhappy, in pain, and hurting. My heart absolutely breaks for Q-Tip, it breaks for all the homeless, but it is not just them. Whenever I walk by two people fighting my heart sinks a little bit. All of the pain around me literally seeps into my heart. I have a deep, compassionate heart and all of the pain in this world affects me so deeply. I know that I was built with this heart, these desires to see laughter, joy, peace as opposed to hurt feelings, unhappy thoughts for a reason, but right now all I can feel is all of the unhappiness in this world and how it can go on.
I do not really know where I'm going with this, except to say that now I have seen the negatives of a huge heart. Rather, I've felt it. What's more, I've felt so much guilt over my inability to help this world. I have such a deep compassion and empathy and my desire to help people and make them feel better, but seeing them still hurting, all of it is too much for me to bear. This world is empty, and I can literally feel the sorrow.
This blog is not meant to end happy, there are no treats of the week. The only appropriate is to ask you to pray. I don't really care who your God is, Jesus, Shiva, Zeus, yourself, just pray for all of the sadness and unobtainable pain in this world. If you don't care about it, then do it for me, to ease the pain that was born in this world and parked itself in my heart.
I have noticed that in life, people usually say Christians are the ones who avoid all the hardship by relying on faith to give them an igorant bliss. I say there is no further statement from the truth. The pain of this world is incurable and the struggles are ones that will exist through eternity if we are left to our own devices. An impossible problem needs a solution in the infinite. There's only one thing that can overcome something like this, and you know where I am gonig with that. We need to trust that it will be done in His time and pray that we are the instruments used for righteous acts, that our hearts may find joy in being those instruments. My medium-sized heart breaks for your big heart my brother.
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