Reconstruction

There are several things that I have wanted to write on over the past couple of weeks, but focus and time have unfortunately not permitted it. I'm trying to fix both of those. I titled this post, 'Reconstruction' because I feel like there is a reconstruction project happening in my life right now. Understand two things about all of the which I am about to say: it is all related to my last post on apathy, so I suggest reading that one first in order for this one to make more sense. And two, this has been a difficult but incredibly blessed summer for me, and there is still a month to go yet, so understand that this is all in light of this.
I feel like my faith has been deconstructed this summer. I honestly feel like I realized all of the erroneous things about my faith this past month of July and just how pathetic my faith was. Understand the sense that I am using pathetic in; I mean pathetic as in, not what it should be, to such a laughable degree. I realized far more about my faith this summer than I ever expected to. I was away from my home, away from the familiar, away from so much that I have come to rely on, but maybe that reliance had bred comfort. My faith was heavily deconstructed last month, and I am so very thankful that it was. It was needed. I could go into how exactly it was and all of what I realized about my own faith and my own character this summer in this post, but that would take up a lot of room, and I plan that for a post later this month. This deconstruction was hard, but the reason that it was hard has been changing. By that, I mean that while it was happening it was difficult in that time. In retrospect it is difficult for how it is calling into question things about my life and bringing me face to face with conviction and really challenging me. This deconstruction has begged the question, "Are you really willing to change, or are you going to be ok with the way that things have been, even though you know that that is not how things are supposed to be?"
Now is reconstruction month. This month, at least so far, I am re-learning to say to God the words 'I love you,' and try to mean them. And I am having to answer the aforementioned question that has been banging around in my head throughout much of July. Ultimately, I do not want to be ok with the way that things are now, and there are parts of me that I do not want to exist, but the reality is that they are still part of me, they still have some level of control, still coercing me on some level into efficacious action. Maybe this post has become too literary and metaphysical to really make sense, but my point is that right now I feel like I am at a point of decision, and this decision is a pruning. I am being pruned. Cutting off branches, offshoots within me that are taking vital nutrients away from the shoot that I want to grow. I praise God for this season, because it will make the parts that remain that much brighter and fuller.
Ultimately, although life is hard right now, I am so thankful for it, clinging to the truth that I am more blessed than I ever imagined or hoped to deserve. I can see my own sin and errors so clearly right now, but that also means that I can see God's grace so much more brightly.

And I love it.